Women's Day : The Complete Story

Today, millions of women across the globe are celebrating their social, political, cultural and economic achiemevents which have aided in their transformation from mere objects of pleasure to really powerful objects of pleasure. So, as always, I am commiting myself to analysing the scenario and spreading awareness about how woman have been smart enough to acquire a day for themselves and are really happy celebrating it, while the still smarter men are extremely pleased to silently watch the group of girls in such celebrations.

Let me warn you before hand that the analysis shatters the myth that women had been suppressed for many years. It's based on the fact that women suffered at the hands of men for decades and inflicted suffering for centuries. So it's basically like Da Vinci Code : totally exciting and completely false.

It all started off long long ago, so long ago that nobody could say how long ago.

Creation of Universe
God was busy creating the universe and he had only 7 days for that task. However God, being God, handled it all like a child's play. "Let there be light", he said and there was light. "Let there be animals", he said and there was the Vijaya TR family. After God received complaints of ear bleeding from their fellow animals, he thought that Vijaya TR must be made to sleep to prevent ecological imbalance. So he said, "Let there be darkness", and consequently there was Dr. Prakash and Sivakasi Jayalakshmi. Finally, the tough part. Humans. After putting a lot of thought, God created man first. He thought to himself : Umm, I can definitely do much better! He tried again and this time created woman. Now he thought : Damn my overconfidence, I swear on God, yeah that's me, that I'd never try again! Thus came two of the most important species on planet earth.

1589 BC
Man and woman did not know the very purpose of their existence in this cruel world, for there were no porno movies then. They were pretty stupid. Woman had however discovered a new weapon - her speech, one that continued to torture man for centuries to come. The fact that the speech consisted mainly of "Grrr", "Tutt tutt" and "Baa Baa Boo" did not make matters by any means soothing. Man could speak too, but he was usally left speechless, understandably so, since they had not discovered as yet that leaves could be used for clothing.

483 BC
The torture was on the rise with the woman's lexicon increasing a rapid pace and man had to find out some way to cope up. "Baa Grrr", he used to curse the guy who, of all things to do in the world, discovered clothes. If that was not enough, he haid to pay 10 pebbles for a plankton leaf skirt and coconut leaf tops for her, while there was just one type of clothing for himself- cactus briefs, which he figured he'd rather stay without.

12 AD
It was in this year that the female domination faded away a little. Man had effectively devised a method to make his female partner finally shut up. Gopale Kissne, a native of France, discovered the solution while administering mouth-to-mouth on a hawt chic and got really excited that the chic choked to death. This was later named after Kissne and came to be known French Kiss. This was, however, not a definitive solution since for figures like Soha Ali Khan, the tip of the nose was 1.4 km from the face and this made the approach difficult. Nonetheless, a revolutionary breakthrough had been made.

638 AD
In accordance with Darwin's theory of evolution, which was non-existant then, women learnt to adapt after 500 odd years of suppression. It took them such a huge span of time to realise that they could cry and use it effectively against the menfolk. So they started crying day in and day out, without glycerine, without provocation, without Ekta Kapoor and Karan Johar. All men hate tears, except Karan Johar ofcourse, and by the same non-existant Darwin's theory they knew that it would take around 500 years for them to adapt. Why the hell did the non-existant theory have to be so slow? That was still a mystery obviously because the theory was still non-existant.

1256 AD
The solution did come, but it was an expensive one. The male gender decisively concluded that to stop the tears women had to be distracted. They had to be involved in something that enchanted them. Something stupid, coz that's what girls fall for. So, men decided to send them off shopping. The possibilities were never ending since every woman was capable of identifying the difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black. Men were not allowed to accompany them, since women felt it was sacrilegious that men were incapable of spotting discernible variations between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black, which the men gladly accepted. Woman were thus under control, yet again.

1859 AD
Darwin proposed his theory of natural selection exactly ten years before the birth of Mahatma Gandhi. Not that this adds any significance to our analysis, just that I know these details.

1909 AD
Women finally started realising that shopping had distracted them so much that they did not even know the really obvious fact Mahatma Gandhi was forty years old, Nehru was twenty and most importantly that there was no difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black. So they decided to protest, make their presence felt and get back to shopping first thing the next day morning. A National Conference for Women was held to spread awareness and this was attended by 3 women from 5 countries (two of them had dual citizenship), who decided that it din matter if Mahatma Gandhi was forty and went on to discuss why one of them was wearing a Blackish Black earring for a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black dress (some people held their beliefs that these were two distinct colours and that those who believed otherwise were men). The conference made waves all over the world and all women finally decided that it din matter to them if Mahatma Gandhi was forty.

1917 AD
Women in Russia demanded bread, peace, cheese and a diamond ring from the Czar on the last Sunday of February. The Czar decided to hold a meeting with women and settle the issue.

Czar : So, what is it that you people want?
Woman : (After was a quiet discussion with all her mates) Nothing.
Czar : Nothing?
Woman : (After another quiet discussion) Yeah, nothing.
Czar : Then whay are you out here protesting?
Woman : The shops are all closed on Sunday. We heard you were free, so we thought we'd just drop in.
Czar : Do you demand bread, peace, cheese and a diamond ring?
Woman : (After yet another quite discussion) Yes.
Czar : Ok, peace. Granted.
Woman : You are giving us only peace. What about the bread, cheese and diamond ring?
Czar : I mentioned peace as in lets have peace between us.
Woman : We are not going down so cheap. We want the bread, cheese and diamond ring too.
Czar : Ok ok. So you get the bread, cheese and diamond ring. Happy?
Woman : Now, what about the peace, you bastard!

The Czar abdicated. This historic day later came to be celebrated as woman's day; the last Sunday of February.

1925 AD
There cropped up a problem with having the celebration on the last Sunday of February. A teaser ad which did the rounds on lotsa television channels, "Sunday-na rendu" became so popular that the men started to read between the lines. They took it as a Government request to the public and implemented it with full vigour. By the time the Government explained that it was not a sex drive, the TVs had been switched off. So, Sunday was ruled out. The date for the event was decided with an overwhelming majority by the same 3 women from the same 5 countries, two of whom had dual citizenship. It would be March 8th, they said and so it is.

1975 AD
God is believed to have made a secret attempt in this year, breaking his vow that he'd never ever try to create another species. Ravi Krishna was born. "Old age, I need rest...whoever forced me to do this", he said under his breath and disappeared.

2005 AD
With the verdict of the 3 women from 5 countries still under effect, women have made great progress in all spheres, rendering men jobless at times. As a desperate measure to turn the tables, Shahrukh "Queen" Khan stepped into the bathtub with rose petals reassuring the world that men and women are equal.

Women now have an equal footing in the developed sections of the society and are revered all over the world. However, shopping still distracts them so much that they still do not know that if Mahatma Gandhi had been alive today he'd be 137 years old!

Happy Women's Day!!

Disclaimer : The above analysis is false to the best of the profound knowledge of a person who knows Mahatma Gandhi was born in 1869 and most importantly that there is indeed no difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black.

Update : On a serious note, the least I could do . . . Please Go here

I want more

Baby, white chick, have you any dress,
Yes honey, yes honey, three wardrobes full,
One for the fashion, one for my taste,
And one for the tradition that is long down the drain.

"I want more" is generally the attitude which women have when it concerns anything related to beauty. The moderate size wardrobes do no justice to the dresses, beauty products, jewels and other accessories which a girl owns. Nothing short of an abyss would actually do justice.

A girl starts filling up her wardrobe right from her childhood. (Some "modern" girls use these dresses even after they grow up) That is understandable however, a baby always wants more. It is cute then. After seven donkey years, if you still have the same practice, it is obviously more irritating than cute. One of the main reasons a guy tells his lover, "Nee kattina pudavai-oda en kooda vaa" (come with the saree u are wearing) is to avoid having a 500 sq.ft wardrobe in his 800 sq.ft. apartment. So, that is said more with fear than with magnanimity.

The way guys and girls buy dresses can be summed with ease up in one sentence. Guys buy dresses for occasions and girls create occasions to buy dresses. Even a stone age leafy costume on World Environment Day would do because its a new addition to their collection nonetheless.

"Hey new dress is it? What's special?"
Boy (beaming) : Its my birthday you see.

"Hey new dress is it? What's special?"
Girl (how could you ask me such a question?) : Ofcourse..this is second Saturday you know. Got one for tommorow too, heard its the second Sunday.

Though every girl has a mini Naidu Hall at her place, they constantly spot new designs. Ok, nobody would complain if they stopped with the spotting designs thingy. It goes without saying that shopping is due that weekend.

HEADLINES : Common Entrance Tests cancelled for the current academic year.

Mom : That newsreader wears new sarees everyday and all of them are fantastic. Wonder where she gets them.
Aunt : Yeah, last week during the Tsunami news braodcast, she wore a yellow saree with pink border. It had a zari like the one you got for your anniversary in 1905.
Sister : Amma, look at that chain she is wearing, I want one like that.

Dad (to himself) : Bank poi paisa edukkanum. Indha maasam bonus ippadi indha Shobana Ravi-aala naasama poguthu.

Commonplace happenings eh? Its always a mini mega-serial at home even when Tsunmai strikes or WTC collapses.

Variety is the spice of life, agreed. But you girls are already spicy enough, dress doesn't matter :-)

Similarly, the make-up thingies are usually overdone. Powders, creams, lotions, lipsticks, lipglosses and a dozen other items yet to be named are an integral part of a girls' purse. Makes you wonder if make-up or make-over is the right word for the process.

Certain things for which girls go to beauty parlour really make me laugh.

Me : For what are you going there?
Girl : Bleaching and threading.
Me : Bleaching I know, they did that for toilets before all this Harpic and Domex came in...but threading?
Girl : Thats for removing these hairs. Shaping your eyebrows and stuff. They tie a knot with a thread and pull it out.
Me : Tamil-la sonna m***** pu*********?

Even the hottest of babes go to the parlour to become hotter. That's something that puzzles me.

Why do girls always have this "Yeh Dil Maange More" attitude? Is it that they never stay content with what they have? Or is it hormonal the way men and sex are inseperable? Why? Kyun? Yaen? Yaendi? Yaenulu?

The only time a girl's "I want more" attitude is fruitful is in....guys know what I mean ;-)

Disclaimer : I've described in detail about the situation and I am not complaining. Won't be complaining till I get married atleast :-) So it is just curiosity...which is probably gonna kill this cat? :-)

Note : Feel free to bash the author. Controversies and fights are encouraged :-)

Cheers :-)

Dupatta Dupatta

"Dupatta dupatta, un kannathula appatta", Sathyraj sings in Maha Nadigan. I get the same feeling too. According to me, dupattas serve some purpose and they are not for fashion. If you are going to disagree with this, directly read the disclaimer, abuse me in the Comments' box and get out!

First let us analyse the different ways of wearing a dupatta...

A formal, pleeted, V-shaped manner i.e the way guys hate. This is the best way to force guys to maintain good eye-contact. Wearing dupattas like a garland also brings about similar results.

As a slight variation of the above method, girls also wear it without pleets. This is the Mandira Bedi technique of covering oneself up. She had a deep...i mean impact on the viewers. Technique to be follwed if you know zilch about what you are talking. The listener turns deaf.

Wearing it around the neck, one of the most common methods which girls prefer. Guys like to see gals this way too :-) A variation of this would be to wear it the way watchmen of Ooty Estate Bungalows (as shown by Kollywood) do so. Just the monkey cap is missing.

I have a doubt here. Usually girls from this part of the world believe that having long hair is really irritating in the stupid hot climate coz it would cause them to sweat a lot behind the neck. Given this, does wearing dupatta around the neck generate, by some sort of aerodynamics, a gentle breeze to combat the humidity?

Some girls tie it around their waist at times, like when they want to play. The "Vanthaenda Paalkaaran" style. No comments about this one.

And ofcourse, a dupatta may be used to cover the face too. May sound stupid but this is highly useful stuff. Used by girls especially when they are on their boyfriend's bike to conceal their identity since there is a high risk of being spotted by some family member, or still worser, the guy who took her out yesterday. The other place this method is widely prevelant is in yezhavu houses.

Ok, coming to the point..where a girl wears her dupatta is absolutely left to her discretion, there can be no second opinions about this one. What one wears is entirely their wish. But when one decides to wear it the way guys like(!), then learn to live with certain inevitable things and stop whining!

A common question asked, "Chi neenga ellam akka thangachi-oda pirakkaliya?" (This is one of the few sentences girls speak properly in Tamil). Ok, we have sisters, but in what way would they be special if we treat everybody as our sisters??! The word 'machi' would lose its wonderful significance! Who can we marry then?? We are not saints! Naanga enna mutrum thurantha munivar-a? Even Vishwamithrar was disturbed during his tapas! Me afterall chota bacha :-)

Friends and relatives are always special. But road-la porava, road-la porava dhaan, site dhaan adippaen! As Bala Gangadhar Tilak said, this is my birth right :-) I don't think this is anywhere near perversion.

Now people just answer these questions for me....

What is the purpose of a dupatta? Is it just for fashion? :-)

Disclaimer : This is by no means a generalisation. Just talking what I observed in a few girls. I am not talking about all the other Mahalakshmi's, Paradevadhai's and Annapoorani's! All girls who still wish to behead me, I am really sorry, wear it around your neck, I will not complain, promise :-)

Figure On Wheels

The journey back home from college is long and boring, especially if it's a half a day because public transport is the only way out. To my relief, it was a lot interesting today inspite of having just one other person to talk to. Our topic of discussion during the course of this punishing 40km journey was "How women drive on the roads?". I assure you that it's one perennial source of entertainment. If you have seen women drive on roads you may understand what I am talking about. Thus, with all due respect to womenfolk, I am going ahead with this post. Please forgive me :)

Senseless. This is just one apt word to describe the way women drive. It is just a question of how this senselessness is achieved.

The mention of rash driving conjures up images of men in super fast bikes (minus the silencer). Why women get this "angely" image is what baffles me. The way some of them drive leaves you in awe - poraanga da Valentino Rossi paeththi. [Requested not drill into details like if Rossi really has paeththi. Certain assumptions have been made considering that he is the only MotoGP racer I know of.] Speed is fine as long as you have the control - proper reflexes are of utmost importance. This is invariably lacking for reasons unknown.

This is coupled by their "All's mine" attitude. The entire stretch of tar is completely at their disposal.

• Press accelarator and you move forward.
• The harder you press, the faster you move.
• Usage of brakes wears out the tyres.
• Use brakes only when you wish to come to complete halt [read when you wish to park]
• This is a competitive world and you should let absolutely nothing stop you. Squash your obstacles.

This is a checklist and they make sure they adhere to it. In short, it's their appan veettu roadu.

The other category consists of snail lovers and tortoise admirers. Those who perhaps, one upon a time, drove for jaanvaasams, progressing at a rate slower than their favorite mega serials. They prefer to go along the pavement or on it. They still are a great deal of nuisance; to pedestrians. It may look like I am exaggerating when I say that some even keep their feet near the ground so that they have the confidence that they can balance themselves, but I AM NOT. Witnessed this yesterday and I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Nadavandi thallara ninappu innum pogaliyo ennavo.

It is no less funny to watch them drive a four wheeler - sitting erect like never before so that they can catch a glimpse past the steering wheel. Aerodynamics doesn't suit them. Sweating profusely and full of concentration. This, am referring to the middle aged women. The young blood adhere to the checklist without fail.

As if this were not enough, you get to witness more [no double meaning intended]. The "accessories" which they sport while driving a vehicle. Some wear a dust filter mask or whatever. Protection from pollutants, fine enough. Some others mask their face with their dupattas in such a fashion that they look like Afghans. And there are others, Aravind Swamy's cousin sisters, who wear a long white glove to avoid their skin from getting tanned. Kaathotam-a irukkanum-nu sleeveless onnu poattu, karuththuda koodathu-nu maela oru glove.

Am not saying that men are perfect at driving. But, witnessing all this, it is just natural for me to gather that men have a better road sense.

Have you seen the face of a person when he gets out of the car after teaching a lady how to drive? Well, if you have, then you would agree with me :)