2011 - Year in Mokkais

Yo boys. I am write blog. Mokka blog.

As I write this, India is mukking in Aus. 11 paeru. Moochu thenara thenara adikkaranunga. Mokka start to 2012. Mokka ending also predicted by Mayans. Gods are probably talking about it.

Shiva: Dei Vishnu
Vishnu: Yes mama
Shiva: I am only destroyer no?
Vishnu: Yes mama
Shiva: Then why you need Kalki avatharam? Sit simply.
Vishnu: 10 is very round number da. They took movie also with that name. So I will wonly take off da.
Shiva: Ok po, when you are taking da?
Vishnu: This year only, I think.
Shiva: What?? This year-a? Have you taken birth and all?
Vishnu: Yes da
Shiva: Adapaavi. Who?
Vishnu: Sachin da. People also know. They call me God.
Shiva: Semma. Destroy off today then. Very tiring, this job.
Vishnu: Pls machi. Innum orey oru century adichuttu...
Shiva: Aiyo, bleddy fellow, what is it with you and round numbers? I give you till end of year ok? If not I will destroy off.
Vishnu: Nanbaen da!

Ok mama. Now tune change-u. Small size mokkais about last year-u. Mostly english-u.

Ready. 1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. !

Gautham Menon released Nadunisi Naaigal without any BGM. Also without any story, screenplay and direction.

Captain caused confusion after a newspaper quoted him as saying, "Raja sould be arrusted for causing loss to the eggs checker". He supposedly meant exchequer.

Raja was arrested and sent to Tihar. Took offence when the jailor tried to console him saying, "(h)otha hai".

Animal Planet acquired 50% stake in Kural TV. TR released the Afro music that has since been scientifically proven to turn on a female hippopotamus.

India won the cricket world cup after 28 years. Indians were overjoyed that there will be no more Hindi interviews of Kris Srikkanth describing the catch which Kapil pakda for Richards out karne ka.

Sachin was spotted outside TASMAC with RC & water packet after he overheard Sreesanth speaking to his mom, "Enda amme, totally rendu world cup medal kitti"

Kalmadi was asked to organize the Common Wealth Games, and was arrested for taking it in the literal sense.

Before killing Osama, the NAVY SEALS asked him, 'Do you have a last wish you mother f*****?' He replied, 'Yes, kill me before RA.One is released'.

Jaya became CM. Praised Anna naamam & MGR naamam. Iyengars confused.

Inflation was a major issue. Especially for Thala Ajith.

When asked if he does any homework to practice his expressions, Cheran revealed that he does not go two bathroom during the entire shooting schedule.

Kalimozhi sent to Tihar. A visibly happy Raja called the jailor and told him, "(h)otha hai".

Jaya wrote 18923 letters to PM in 3 months. Not sure if they contained 'Will you have fraanship with me?' messages.

Amar Singh tried out phone sex. There was a leak and the world came to know. Pun unintended.

Farmers in UP protested that they could not live on Rs.32/day if Rahul Gandhi ate their dinner every night.

Vaughan suspected that Laxman used vaseline on his bat. Could be true or false depending on what bat he was talking about.

Troubled by Suriya's constant thoppai exposure, people suggested that BCCI send him on overseas tours to provide a flat track.

Tamil cinema got a vidi velli - Power Star Dr.Srinivsasan. He looks like shaving panna TR, that is, some one who justu missed two million years of evolootion.

There was an all India meeting to discuss why Prashanth was still acting in movies.

Gayle to WICB, "Guys, I am finally in awesome form, lets become great team!" WICB to Gayle, "Fack, you are dropped!"

Jaya announced that 250 public toilets opened by DMK will be converted to Urine Test Labs for the poor.

RA.One released. Manmohan speechless.

Sagarika Ghose conducted a interview with BabyB minutes before it was born. Later clarified that uterus cam and all was a technical glitch.

Burkha Dutt stuffed a mic in BabyB's mouth and asked how it felt. Later apologised for being naive.

Arnab Goswami questioned BabyB over the telephone and also answered on its behalf. BabyB cried and hung up.

Undiscolosed sources revealed that BabyB is currently taller than Suriya by a few inches.

Indian Kabbadi world champion team goes back home by rickshaw. Govt confessed that they were unaware of the event and thought it was Ghilli climax scene shooting for a Hindi remake.

10 Indians applied for Pakistan citizenship after they were harassed by the "Every Indian must read this" messages on Facebook.

Google search for "Vidya Balan hot" used to return images of her with an iron box. Naseeruddin Shah replaced the iron box.

Vidya Balan went to skin doctor for some treatment. Doctor told, 'It's ok ma, no need to show, yesterday only I saw in night show'.

Every one who has completed saralivarisai came up with a Kolaveri video.

Sharad Pawar slapped hard. Doctors confirm that it is a medical miracle that his face is still distorted.

TR danced topless in African forest. The term 'flash mob' was coined.

Godrej agreed to sponsor a saavi koththu for STR's kaakavalippu problem after seeing his love anthem.

Poonam Pandey offered to strip if Sachin scored his 100th ton. Sachin said, 'Podi Pandey', and later admitted to making a typo while speaking.

Kapil Sibal wanted Facebook to hire people to manually read through every single update posted. Somebody needs to tell him that all IT employees do this only.

PM visited Chennai to accept Jaya's fraanship request and collect any letters that have not been posted yet.

Captain was arrested for waving a black flag when PM visited Chennai. He was released after he clarified that he was actually drying his komanam.

After finding out that Power Star Dr.Srinivsan is in Chennai, Thane puyal thaane diverted itself to Cudallore.

Jodhida Megamani Lion K.Paarangal told Sachin that Sani is vakram-ly looking at him after peyarchi. So he has suggested that Sachin ethify nei vilakku in nearest Sani temple, and write 'Sachin 99+1' with kari on the wall.

Anna Hazare went without food for several days for a Lokpal Bill. Hence became the #2 Googled person in India, behind only Katrina Kaif, who released Chikni Chameli.

Poonam Pandey announced that she will strip for the New Year bash. Kapil Sibal confirms that she has nothing significant to censor.

AND

Happy New Year! =)

PS: Don't make resolution and all this year. Ulagam azhiya poguthu. Open the bottle!

Pichakaara Interest Litigation

After seeing two pichakaara PILs mentioned in the last two days, I guess its apt to refer to them as Pichakaara Interest Litigation intead. One, the Mumbai Metropolitan chief talked of a PIL to prevent Tata's 1 lakh car from entering Mumbai fearing constipation, nausea, pregnancy and besides other things, traffic congestion. Two, a Congressman has filed a PIL against the film Sivaji for showing a photograph of the villain with Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh claiming that it defames national leaders. The only thing which has come out of this is the important piece of information that Congress regards them as national leaders. I just hope the government has not introduced tax benefits for filing PILs!

At this rate, what can we expect to see in future?

Read On . . .

The cow with yellow teeth in the Happydent Whitening advertisement has filed a PIL in the Madras High Court seeking the ban of the movie Sivaji. It claims that the director took a dig at it by portraying the bad guy with ootha pallu and insulted the entire Go Matha clan. It demands that Shankar use graphics to whiten the ootha pallus, failing which the movie must be banned. As compensation for the damage caused, it demands one year supply of kadalai punnakku and five years supply of horn paint for maattu pongal.

All donkeys in and around Chennai city have filed a PIL against Mansoor Ali Khan for using the copyrighted phrase "Ennai Paar Yogam Varum" as the title for his upcoming movie. They claim that Mansoor is trying to gain undue popularity with this move and made it clear to the world that he will not be accepted as one among their species until confirmed reports are obtained through DNA analysis. The shooting of the next Ramanarayan film has come to a halt because of this unprecedented act by the donkeys (the ones with four legs). The director is believed to be persuading Mansoor to keep a more apt title, "Ennai Paar Vandhi Varum", for his movie. Mansoor was not available for comment because nobody bothered to check his availability.

The bears in Vandalur zoo have filed a PIL against Vijaya TR stating public humiliation. They claim that ever since the release of Veerasamy, the visitors have all started singing "Varaan paaru varaan paaru Veerasamy" in front of the bear's cage which it claims is the second most humiliating thing which has happened to it. The first, ofcourse, being that it doesn't wear an undergarment. The bears demand a public clarification from Vijaya TR that he is one stage behind them in the evolution process and a disclaimer in all his films that "All characters are fictitious and any resemblences to bears are purely because I quit shaving in 9th standard."

Congressmen have filed a PIL seeking that actress Roja should change her name. They demand that because of the popular (once upon a time) actress, the phrase "Nehru Roja Vechirukkaru (nenjula)" is painting a very bad picture of a national leader. Since it is not possible now to change the habit of a person who died decades back, the Congressmen demand that Roja change her name within 24 hours.

If the politicians are so idle to think of such things, it is high time they develop a good hobby or join some summer coaching camps. Adha vittutu ippadi kaamedy keemadi pannarthu ellam thevaiya?

Disclaimer : If a work of fiction resembles facts, there is something seriously wrong with the facts :D

Bleddy Budget

*Echoos me for trying to make some intellectual comments and all. I also the MBA-nu kaatikka enakku vera vazhi therila!*

The Union Budget. A document which has not been understood even by the elite few who deciphered Inzamam's English. A session which has as much viewership as news for the deaf and dumb on DD. An event which recieves so much coverage that it pushes news of national importance like Abdul Kalam tripping and actress Namitha's advise to youngsters about Indian culture to the lower section of the front page of newspapers. A license for the Government to showcase stupidity and, ironically, enlarge their vote banks.

The budget makes no sense to the common man. This blog is replete with nonsense. So, what better place to read about something as complex and useless as the budget? :-)

Continue reading crap . . .

Being a socially conscious blogger (oru small effect dhaan, kindly echoos!) with an objective of educating my readers, I managed to sneak into the conference room of UPA (Useless Parties Alliance) to capture the meeting between a bunch of ministers discussing the budget before it was presented. They were Mr. Madmohan, Mr. Chee Bambaram, Mr. Moron, Mr. Sottai Singh and Mr. Lollu.

Madmohan : I welcome the honorable members . . .
Sottai : Oh, can I stay then?
Lollu : Sottai ji, that is just formality. If only honorable members were to stay, only the watchman would be permitted inside Parliament.
Madmohan : Silence! Please take your seat.
Sottai : 50% seats reserved for rear class. Please follow rule.
Madmohan : *kottifies on Sottai ji mandai* Chee Bambaram ji, please throw some light on this years budget plans.
Moron : Neenga avara velakku pudikka solreengala?
Chee Bambaram : Moron ji, siththa adha saathindu irukkaela?

Madmohan : Ok ji, what is the major objective of this year's budget?
Chee Bambaram : To increase the growth rate of the country.
Lollu : Oh, you've made condoms expensive?
Chee Bambaram : Economic growth! I have looked into the future and proposed long term measures.
Madmohan : When will the measures show effect?
Chee Bambaram : As early as 3007 A.D.
Moron : Late Justice! That is against Dravidian principles!
Sottai : Me also object. Rahul Dravid front class!
Lollu : But his wife first class!

Chee Bambaram : The government will spend a lot on Health and Infrastructure improvement this year.
Lollu : Yes, first invest some for Rabri and improve her structure.
Sottai : Ha Ha. With bad structure Lollu ji have 239 baby, if Devi ji good figure Bihar population all call Lollu as papa.
Madmohan : What's the expenditure?
Lollu : Pure hardwork. No shortcuts. Vali dhaan vetriyin ragasiyamey.
Madmohan : Not you Lollu ji!
Chee Bambaram : First it will reach the minister, then the state officer, district officer, panchayat leader, country tortoise Sarath Kumar, secretary, car driver, office boy and the watchman. The remaining amount will be available to the general public to buy either a crocin or a brick depending on whether they want to invest it or health or infrastructure.
Moron : We should have more funds for the mid-day meal scheme. Tamil Nadu-la naanga muttai podarom for Mid Day meal.
Lollu : Muttai podarthukku neenga enna kozhi-a?
Madmohan : Stop the nonsense please.
Sottai : Oh, meeting over ji?

Chee Bambaram : I've also increased the investment immensely in Agriculture and Education.
Moron : Why?
Chee Bambaram : Because farmers and illilterates do not know about the Right to Information Act as yet.
Sottai : Act? You mean drama? Then we give all forward ticket to rear class ji, good idea no?
Chee Bambaram : *pointing at Sottai ji* See the proof.
Lollu : So, all investment for Agriculture and Education ministry?! Please, I want that portfolio ji. I want to serve the country!
Moron : Appo Vasantha Bhavan-la server-a join pannu! Madmohan ji, there is nobody educated like me in the whole of India, I should only get that portfolio ji.
Madmohan : Ya nobody else failed four times in fourth standard.
Sottai : Ji, idea. I permit rear class alone to fail eight times in fourth standard. We pass law?
Madmohan : You first pass SSLC. Chee Bambaram ji, but if nothing progresses will we not lose vote?
Moron : That we can promise home theater system to all farmers before election so that they watch Vayalum Vaazhvum and increase productivity.
Madmohan : What if they watch midnight masala and increase their reproductivity?! Where do you get such salivated ideas?
Moron : Err...what..?
Chee Bambaram : Indha echai idea ungalukku mattum eppadi thonuthu-nu kekkararu.
Madmohan : We should probably encourage corporate spending in rural areas to ensure faster growth. Public Private Partnership (PPP) and all.
Chee Bambaram : The communist parties will oppose it.
Madmohan : Why?
Chee Bambaram : Because they are communist parties.
Madmohan : How do we please them?
Chee Bambaram : 1) Keeping quiet. 2) Call for a nationwide strike.

Madmohan : Good then, lets continue with these and then if farmers can't wait until 3007 A.D. and commit suicide, we will punish them.
Chee Bambaram : Yes. We will collect one rupee from their forehead as death tax and impose a surcharge on cotton stuffing in the nose.
Sottai : Ji, idea. We put law that all rear class body lie face down, so rear will come up.
Moron : Ya, then we can promise Sudermani jetty to all the rears below poverty line!
Lollu : Jetty below waist line-la?

Madmohan : Let us know what the corporate will be paying.
Sottai : You mean just for jetty?
Chee Bambaram : *kottufies on Sottai ji mandai* IT companies will also pay MAT.
Madmohan : We are already getting around 85% from the corporates. Let's concentrate on the defaulters, no?
Lollu : No no, mummy paavam. I am honorary member, ji.
Chee Bambaram : Oh, I've ammended Section 80(G) of the I-T Act and made ministers exempt from taxes already. This will ensure that there are no defaulters.
Sottai : 80G? Is it Parle G super saver pack?
Madmohan : Ok, ok. No changes. I heard you were considering DDT too?
Sottai : No no ji. That my area. DDT is Daman District Tribal. They get 7% seat.
Madmohan : Bleddy, I am talking about Dividend Distribution Tax!
Chee Bambaram : 15% tax will be levied on dividends declared by the companies for the shareholders.
Moron : But didn't you say that DDT is like double taxation because a company pays taxes on its profits and declares dividend only with the remaining amount?
Chee Bambaram : Adhu pona maasam. Naan sollarthu indha maasam!
Madmohan : Super.
Chee Bambaram : Soon I'll include DGT and BJADT also.
Madmohan : Which is?
Chee Bambaram : Dividend Govinda Tax and Bleddy, Just Another Dividend Tax.
Madmohan : Which means?
Chee Bambaram : That the companies will have to send all dividends directly to the government.
Moron : Ji with all the extra money can we give one Padmashree for my second daughter studying in third standard?
Chee Bambaram : What is she doing?
Moron : She has great interest in ball porukkifying in tennis matches ji.
Sottai : Oh what a feat. Ji I recommended her for Bharat Ratna under BRKRR scheme.
Madmoham : ?!
Sottai : Bharat Ratna Kilo Rendu Roobai scheme ji.

Lollu : What about the tax slabs?
Chee Bambaram : I've increased the non-taxable amount by as much as 10,000!!! So each person gets a tax benefit of like 1000 rupees in a year, which is like 3 rupees per day!
Moron : Oh, idhukku paeru benefit-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ippo Royapettah Benefit Fund-nu illa? Adhaala yaarukku enna benefit? (except Kamal) Same logic dhaan.
Moron : Logic-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ya, tax is for them and benefit is for us. Nobody will understand anyways.
Madmohan : How are you so sure?
Chee Bambaram : Even if people end up understanding the tax laws by mistake, I will make sure they won't understand the tax form.

Lollu : But there is this 1% education cess increase which would perhaps cost more than 3 rupees per day?
Sottai : Yayy! We include Bayangara Backward Class as rear category with that money.
Madmohan : Always quota! Were you born in ration shop?! Fine ditch it. Chee Bambaram ji, the corporates are contributing to the growth of the country and we are not giving them any incentives to grow further?
Chee Bambaram : If we give incentives to them, we cannot meet other important commitments like exempting duty on imported Ferrari's and Bentley's of prominent personalities. Bleddy, I am aiming for inclusive growth. Naalu perukku nallathu seyyanumna edhuvumae thappu illa.
Moron : Yaar andha naalu paer?
Chee Bambaram : Nee, naan, Madmohan ji and Lollu ji.
Lollu : Then Sottai ji?
Chee Bambaram : He has already grown enough. If he grows more he will cause inflation. So I have left him out.

Madmohan : Ah, most imporant. What have you done to control inflation?
Chee Bambaram : VLCC membership will be free for all now.
Madmohan : Ayyo not that. The economic inflation?
Chee Bambaram : I am making dog food cheaper. This ensures basic necessity of good food for married men.
Madmohan : Then how will we call this Aam Aadmi Budget?
Chee Bambaram : The same way we call ourselves a progressive alliance!
Madmohan : Alright. Don't you feel the inflation is more due to supply side constraints?
Chee Bambaram : What is the shortage for supply once Lollu ji sets up the Independent Child Factory in Bihar?
Lollu : Err. I said there'll be a coach factory there, not a child factory.
Chee Bambaram : I mean your house.
Madmohan : No, I mean Agriculture is growing at such a slow pace that it is not able to supply goods to the market and this scarcity is causing the price rise. Is it not?
Sottai : Idea ji. We give Horlicks to farmers. It grow taller, higher and stronger. Yepang, opang, japang!

Lollu : Any other reductions?
Chee Bambaram : I've cut duties.
Moron : Cool. I will now have lesser work.
Chee Bambaram : Not your duties, Moron ji. The duty on items I mean.
Moron : Which means?
Chee Bambaram : Many useful items like umbrella parts, door handles, shower caps, bluish black colour leather seat covers, bathroom slippers, cricket bat rubber grips and masuru from Sottai ji mandai will be extremely cheap.
Moron : Oh yaanai mudi maadhiri paanai mudi-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ya, laik that wonly.

. . . and thanks to the live telecast on DD, we all know how the farce ended! :-)

Unfortunately, the first budget I tried to make sense of was utter nonsense :-(

Disclaimer : I completely disown this post. It has been reproduced verbatim from piece of paper lying on the streets of Andheri. All legal disputes may thus be directed to the municipal corporation of Mumbai, if such an entity exists! :-)

Thanks to Sruthi for the budget data and being of help for the first time ever! :-)

And importantly, Happy Birthday Sandhya! :-)

How to become President

India is claimed to be a land of equality. To validate this claim, the Government had already taken an innovative step towards making everybody in the country equally backward. Next, it is rumoured that steps are being taken to make even the post of President reachable to the common man.

Learn how to apply . . .

1) Application Form

The application form above has been issued by the Samajwadi Party for them to evaluate the candidate whom they would be backing. Take a print out of the form, fill it up and send it to them at yervadi@samajwadi.com.

If you haven't started wondering how would you e-mail a print out, the chances of your application being considered are very bright. Congrats.

2) TASMAC Challenge

Buy a quarter from your nearest TASMAC outlet and collect the letters below the bottle cap. If you succeed in forming the word 'President', you get to participate in the Guduvancheri Spelling Bee contest. If you form the word 'Amhithabbh Bachchchann', you will get the support of the Government to run for President.

Terms and Conditions Apply. This is fine print and is not supposed to be visible. If you are able to read this, call 100 and say 'Mamu, therithu ba' and you will be prostituted or prosecuted as the company deems fit.

3) SMS Contest

Send an SMS to 35007 saying "Pliss, I also the President" and you will be automatically considered. Charges Rs. 10 per message. The money collected will be donated to Shilpa Shetty Welfare Association for building a temple for her in London. Media will be given 10% of the funds to encourage them to cover the event in depth.

Disclaimer : Facts in the above post are as credible as promises in an election manifestoes. Anything which seems insulting is purely a result of possessing knowledge which is against the ideologies of this blog!

Cheers :)

Me into Politics

The number of political parties in India is simply phenomenal. New parties crop up every year which, even in a country where citizens do their night duty perfectly irrespective of whether they pay heed to other duties, easily outnumber the number of birthday parties. Karthik recently joined the list of actor turned comedians like Pandiarajan, Bagyaraj etc, when he announced his affiliation to All India Forward Block, which planned to contest in a mammoth 2 out of 232 seats all over Tamil Nadu. The party later withdrew from both the seats since the party members unanimously decided that the deposit money could be used to buy tea instead. Inspired by Karthik, I have decided to float my own party which will contest in the next elections.

The first task was to decide the name of the party. Since the party has its base in Tamil Nadu, I decided that it must incorporate Dravidian principle for it to even stand a chance. Dravida Munnetra Kazhakam, Anna Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam, Marumalarchi Dravida Munnetra Kazhakam and Desiya Murpoku Dravida Kazhakam were already taken. Even Karadi Kutti TR has a Latchiya Dravida Munnetra Kazhakam, the only possible latchiyam of whose members is to find out what lies inside TR's beard. So, with almost all the Dravidian names taken, I am going with the only name spared. My katchi will be called Rahul Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam (RDMK)....

Being farsighted, I decided to release a ten point maifesto right away. They have been formulated with the sole aim of getting the poor people support. The rest can go to hell.

1) Free computer with matter CDs to all students who fail to make it past second standard. Provision of matter CDs makes this scheme a part of the "Suya Udhavi Kuzhu" thittam since they wouldn have anything better to do. So we keep you occupied.

2) Free cycle for all people who are below poverty line with one year International on-site warranty on the cycle chain. International warranty will be useful if your cycle faces technical problems on your way to Afghanistan (which we assume you wouldn be stupid enough to do). Note : Warranty void if your name is Cheran.

3) Free plasma colour TV for villagers, after they manage to a) build a house b)get electricty for it c)sustain electricty connection by paying the bill for one year. If not, doesn't really matter, I'll be campaigning for the next election by then, when I'll promise free house for all citizens.

4) Free 10 acres land for the poor landless farmer, for which you need to convince us that you really are poor and landless. (Fineprint, don't read : The cost of convincing us would be decided based on land prices at that time. And yeah lotsa conditions apply)

5) Free LG Microwave Oven and Jaadhika Badrinath's "Samachu podu di kasmaalam" recipe book for all poor housewives who manage to pronounce Microwave Oven without any mistake. If you have problems doing that, you get one month supply of LG Perungayam instead. Same brand, fair enough?

6) Free 10Kg Ponni Rice to all families below poverty line, provided Ms. Ponni agrees to part with her rice. If not, we are sorry, our government is committed to providing quality goods and hence we cannot give you low quality ration rice.

7) Free mobile phones for the poor under the "One Kuppam" scheme. Since people in the area speak at aaproximately 120 decibels, it involves the use of cutting edge technology to dampen these voice signals by pouring water from the top, to make sure the entire kuppam does not overhear you.

8) Free ceiling fan to all those who live in huts. Our team is already trying to figure out how this could be done. Once that is done, every family gets a free ceiling fan provided they have facilities to fix a switch board on the wall.

9) Free washing machine will be given to all poor families that have the habit of washing their clothes. This scheme will be implemented after approval from the Prime Minister, Finance Minister, Home Minister and the Chief Ministers of all states, just to make sure that the scheme is not implemented in 5 years. We take complete responsibility in blaming one of the above mentioned persons for the delay in implementation.

10) Add to the greenery of the state with the "Pothar valarpom, pin matter seivom" scheme.

I promise that I shall be committed and work towards the fulfilment of the above objectives. Seeya in five years time! :-)

Arjun Singh : Exclusive Interview

Suggestion : If you are seriously looking to know what Arjun Singh said, I suggest you watch the Mr. Bean show. The consequences are similar.

One of the greatest reforms introduced in independent India was announced this month, by our beloved minister Arjun Singh. It is the best thing to happen to India since the MoU signed between the Indian Government and MNC Kaekraan Maekraan for the "non-yellowy" maintenance of public toilets. 22.5% of the seats were reserved during the formation of the Indian republic, because it represented the percentage of people who belonged to the backward sections of the society. Now, applying the same logic, or the lack of it, Arjun Singh calculates the percentage to be 49.5% and confirms it saying that the highly reliable figure has been calculated using Casio calculators. In this Pravunplugged exclusive, Arjun Singh shares his pearls of wisdom, gokulam and champak with us.

Read Interview . . .


Note : The name Arjun Singh has been abbreviated and represented as AS in the following interview. Please do not conclude that I am mocking at the minister by reading AS as a single word. I have no necessity to do so since we all know how AS himself manages to add an extra S behind his abbreviation.

Interviewer : Hello sir, how do you do?
Arjun Singh : Hello. Do not ask personal questions. You should have paid better attention to your biology class in 9th standard to know how you do.

I : I meant how are u, sir.
AS : Oh like that-eh? Me, I am very old, fat, bald and fair. You?

I : I am fine sir.
AS : So, what are we here for?

I : (Hmmm..Un mandai-la kuttarthukku!) An interview sir, can we start?
AS : Yes, ofcourse.

I : What is your opinion about reservations?
AS : They are very good. They give you confidence that you have seat for sure.

I : ??!?!?
AS : Yes, we should more reservations and reduce the number of RACs and Waiting Lists.

I : Sir, I am talking about reservations in educational institutions, not railway reservations.
AS : Ha Ha! What a fool I am!

I : Sahi jawaab.
AS : Eh??

I : Pardon me, so what's you opinion sir?
AS : They very important for country like India.

I : Why so?
AS : Areey. I pity the ignorance of youngster like you. Because India obviously fall under the category of country like India, if not fully, atleast partially.

I : I mean why is it important for countries like India?
AS : Because population different. One section front, other section rear. Front section going fronter and rear section going rearer.

I : You have studied your 9th standard biology perfectly, sir!
AS : Ha Ha! I always bright student.

I : Ofcourse you are very bright sir, especially when the sun is shining and the reflector on your head is well oiled!
AS : That's why I thought 49.5% reservation can be brought about. So that rear can also come front and both will be front.

I : Do you plan to increase the percentage further, sir?
AS : Yes. Presently there are SC/ST/OBC category. In future I bring in AFOBC and YIABC category and there will be 100% reservation.

I : AFOBC and YIABC??
AS : A Few Other Backward Classes and Yayy I Also Backward Class category.

I : With 100% reservation, what about General Category?
AS : This is master plan boy, you no understand. With this scheme, there no general category. Everybody in backward category somehow and we can have equality. So the front also go to rear and from there equal competition between both the rears to go to front.

I : But what about the country's economy?? Will that not be affected without progress?
AS : That Chidambaram ji handle. If he can unable to, then I temporarily include RAC and Waiting List in educational institoosan, so that if reserved seat not taken by rear, the front can take the rear seat.

I : Waiting list is ok, how RAC??
AS : RAC students given seat and education, but no degree.

I : Great! Do you think reservation will affect the quality of students in premier institutions?
AS : No No. Everybody will be as brilliant as me.

I : So that's precisely what I am talking about.
AS : You no realize that this a long term solution for inequality. You wait and see, time will tell.

I : (It's already saying you are stupid!) Don't you think its better to have a equal basis for selection and instead provide those deprived with a proper study environment etc?
AS : No. That not possible since environmentalists oppose change in environment. Menaka Gandhi risky lady. Sonia fire me.

I : (Damn!) Ok, so are you going to extend the reservation concept in other spheres?
AS : Yes, yes. Very much. There will be cricket reservation, football/hockey reservation etc.

I : Ah!! What's the cricket?
AS : 50% of the players in team must belong to SC/ST/OBC

I : A team has 11 players, so how 50%??
AS : Oh, that i din think. Anyway I give spontaneous solution. 5 people from FC, 5 from BCs and one person is child of intercastly married parents.

I : Brilliant! Anything else in cricket?
AS : During powerplay, only 1 FC allowed to stay inside circle, rest all BCs. That way all BCs move front.

I : !! What about football?
AS : It very racist game, needs many changes.

I : Racist game??
AS : Yes. Attacking position called Forward. From now on we have Center OBC, Right Center SC and Left Center ST. There no backward position. Everybody stand near goal for equality.

I : Aiyyo! Anywhere else?
AS : Yes, public toilet also reserved.

I : ???
AS : 50% of toilet for SC/ST/OBC only. All FC while going toilet stand only on one leg. The other position for keeping leg reserved for rear class.

I : I think it is time to end the interview.
AS : No, wait. Escalator reservation policy you no hear?

I : Ok, go on.
AS : Front people not allowed on escalator. Only rear. So rear will go front faster than the front. All my idea.

I : Ofcourse! What is your answer to your crictics who say all this is vote bank politics?
AS : Definitely not. False charges.

I : How say? ... shit .. I mean how do you say that?
AS : In India there is Indian Bank, State Bank, Canara Bank, Reserve Bank, but no bank called vote bank. If they want to prove charges, ask them to show pass book.

I : That's it. Thanks a ton for your time Mr. Arj....
AS : Thanks is reserved word for rear. Front no say that, ok?

I : ...un Singh. Good night!

Huh. Such government policies make it seem a lot better if the parliament is adjourned sine die! Mandaikku maela masurum illa, mandaikulla moolaiyum illa. Orey kushtamappa!

Disclaimer : All names and designations are as usual fictional. Any resemblences to a real life character is purely because of the matching stupidity levels

****

This post is dedicated to this lady, for threatening me to post soon or have my fan status withdrawn on Orkut

Awards, pudhusu kanna pudhusu!

With elections around the corner, MUMMY is taking full fledged action to please the people, section by section, strategically. Last month, the list of Kalaimamani awardees were announced, which featured everybody including Kalai's uncle, who was given a numerologically modified "Kalai Mama Nee" award. As the next step, relaible sources of pravunplugged confirm that MUMMY would be naming awards after prominent people for their contribution to the country. This exclusive report elaborates on the details.

Henceforth, the best actor would be given the 'Statue of Bulty' award to celebrate the historic nuclear deal which provided all the nuclear fuel that India needed to accomplish tasks which are no more harmful than aani pudungifying. [Pravunplugged comments : Honestly, we don't require nuclear fuel as long we have Aalo Parathas, but it is upto the government to realise.]

The best actress each year would get the 'Urgent Bathroom, Hence I Resign Gandhi' award since it is widely appreciated to name stuff after members of the Gandhi family. [Pravunplugged comments : Matter movie actresses viz. Bollywood heroines and people who hold similar offices of profit must be exempt from the category]

'Arey Haan Ji' award would be given to the best Music Director, who would be selected on the basis of their originality. This highly controversial stipulation rules out the Anu Malik and Deva families for their next seven generations. [Pravunplugged comments : Harris Jeyaraj must be given special consideration for his inclination towards the language of the Australian aboriginal's, who incidentally speak no known language and are infact non-existent in the first place]

Next on line is the 'Karumai Nira Kannan' award which honours the person with the most romantic expression in films which may include the rolling of the tongue and a romantic bite of one's own karugi pona lips, a naughty pinch on the hips, bambaram spinning etc. [Pravunplugged comments : Black Cat secoority must be provided to the affected heroine since the after effects can be deadly]

The best newcomer receives the 'Kokkara Kozhi Raasathi' award, which is a special category applicable to both the male and female gender. The award is to honour Top Star Prashanth, who has acted in 17 films in the last one year alone, fortunately none of which have been released. [Pravunplugged comments : Prashanth must stop acti..err...doing films]

The next award, the 'Sokkai Podaatha Swapna Sundari' award, is to encourage youngsters, who may have may not have talent but possess a lotsa other things which are vital in nature, to come up and show the world what they have got. [Pravunplugged comments: I volunteer myself to be the umpire at the next WTA tour, without salary and other perks]

To instill team spirit into the youngsters, MUMMY is also giving away a special 'Namma Ooru Paanjaali' award, which highlights the values of working together inspite of age barriers, ego clashes, salary issues and two extremely ugly faces. [Pravunplugged comments : Indha kodumai-ku Namitha nadicha matter padamey thevala]

The 'Kolangal Loosu Abi' award is for those people who possess a strong belief that a pinju pona Pondy Bazar handbag always holds enough money to help those in need, in short, it is for the mentally challenged. [Pravunplugged comments : A strong contender for this award is Saritha, who boldy and stupidly, agreed to wear TShirts in June R]

The last, but the most prestigious award is to kindle the scientific brains to come up with answers for baffling questions like - 'TR moonjila mudi molachu irukka, illa TR mudi-ku nadoola moonji molachu irukka' and 'How Simbhu missed the evolutionary process'. It will be known as the 'Karadu Kutti Veerasamy' award. [Pravunplugged comments : No comments!]

Disclaimer : If you really did believe all this crap, well, Happy Birthday!

Looking back at 2005

2005 remains a truly forgettable year plainly because of the number of disasters that caused great damage to life and property. Minus that, and you are left with a huge bunch of funny events.

Nature
2005 saw the wrath of mother nature. After tripping over and causing a tsunami with her dance in the sets of Ghajini, Nayanthara was fortunately bedridden. However, South Asia experienced numerous aftershocks in the beginning of the year. The Central Beero of Investigation probed into the issue and brought the situation under control by ordering the Telugu dance masters to refine their dance steps immediately. Another major quake rocked Bakistan after Gabtun sky dived into the gamps of the deeviravaadhis and fell on his butt. The death toll was close to 30K, but Captain escaped unhurt.

Meanwhile, several hurricanes battered the US of A and the people were clueless about how to face them in future. Condoleeza Wheat suggested the screening of Shakthiman everyday at prime time to scare away the hurricanes. The idea clicked. After watching one episode, the people of Florida moved out faster than the hurricane and Wilma refused to go past Mexico. Wheat said, "We are considering changing our national emblem from Bald Eagle to Bold Shaktiman."

Floods in Chennai are usually as common as hot babes in the IITs. However, incessant rains this year flooded Chennai, Bangalore and Mumbai. Aerial surveys were conducted by all party leaders who had not been on a helicopter earlier. Mr. Mike Mohan Singh exclaimed, "The ride was breathtaking. I wonder why Essel World and Kishkintha don't have such rides. The fan, however, was outside the chopper. I will discuss with Ponia ji to change the design. Either the fan must be inside or I must be outside!"

Politics
The American President George Bush waged a war on Iraq because he suffered from severe constipation. The British Prime Minister Tony Blair supported the move since his dog suffered similar symptoms. After 1.5 million deaths, Saddam was taken to court, where he was found guilty of possessing biological weapons when he let out a loud fart. Bush's constipation has cleared up now, but the judge and the jury have got their nose blocked.

The dumbness of many Indian ministers was exposed when they were caught on cam taking money for asking questions in the Parliament. One of them agreed to ask the Honourable Speaker what he did during his summer vacations, while the other one, addressed to the Prime Minister wanted to know why Margazhi Kutcherys were held in RR Sabha, Narada Gana Sabha etc but not in Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha.

Natwar Singh and his son were caught in the food-for-oil scam. The BJP leaders demanded that Natwar resign. Natwar failed to oblige. Manmohan Singh was under fire from them as well. He turned a deaf ear to them. They then demanded that Congress President Sonia Gandhi resign. She didn't care either. Thus, with no other choice, Advani resigned.

Sports
India's most brilliant Captain Saurav Ganguly, who had an average between Pi and 2Pi in his last twenty innings, was surprisingly dropped from the squad. The Prince of Kolkatta was so talented that he could bat at any position for full two minutes (action replay time inclusive). Greg Chappel sent a confidential e-mail regarding this to Mr. Raj Singh Dungarpur, which was published in the newspaper before it reached his mailbox.

Sharat Pawar, who knows as much about cricket as Mandira Bedi, now heads the BCCI. India thus became the only country in the world where a politician is in charge of cricket, an actor in charge of administration and a buffoon in charge of the Railway Ministry.

Sania Mirza took the whole of India by storm after she jumped around the court in skimpy clothing. She has a cute face with glamorous eyes, tiny pink lips, terrific thighs, sexy hips and a great figure. And if I remember right, she plays Tennis.

Movies
Rajnikant made a comeback as Dr. Saravanan; Dr. Bradley's first disciple. (Enna koduma Vasu idhu?) Vasu spent around 20 crores to buy Eyetex for Jothika's eyes and 10 crores to buy Tantex to cover up Prabhu and Ramkumar. Ramkumar also made a special guest appearance in the film, which incidentally was the most scary scene in the film.

Shankar managed a comeback too, with Anniyan. The film was initially given an A certificate since there were too many close-ups of Sodha..err..Sadha. However, Shankar corrected it with graphics. Those close-ups were later printed on pumpkins during Ayudha Pooja and were a huge success.

Ghajini, another superhit movie, was Surya's biggest hit of his career. Though Surya's dance steps in the film reminded the audience of the Bagyaraj of yesteryear, gals somehow appreciated it and found him oh-so cute. The film was a big opportunity for Nayanthara to showcase her talents. After seeing this film director Ramanarayanan has signed her for his next film where she plays the lead role of Ganesa. Sodha co-stars as Ramu. [For the uninitiated, Ganesa and Ramu are traditional names of elephant and monkey in Tamil films]

Verdict on Cheran's Thavamai Thavamirundhu is not yet out. The first show of the film, which started at Dec 9th at 11:00 AM, is still going on. Theater owners want the film trimmed since they believe they will be unable to accommodate the Pongal releases. According to the latest information, Cheran stopped his cycle at Coimbatore for a tea break on his way to Kargil. Realistic cinema at its best.

Music
Pop King, Michael Jackson, was accused of sharing his bed with kids and molesting them. However, he was cleared by the jury, who said, "No kid in his right mind could afford looking at Mr. Jackson at such close range and then survive to tell about it". It may be noted that Jackson had undergone 4x10¹¹ plastic surgeries to change his face into something like that of Ravi Krishna.

Britney Spears became the proud mom of a baby boy. Britney was uncertain about the child's surname as she could not pin point a single person. She was clueless as to who got lucky and who didn't. The matter was resolved with a lucky draw, the results of which were published in Tamizh Murasu. Ticket number 3,27,085 was declared the winner. Summa nachchunu irukku!

Yuvan Shankar Raja had a great 2005 with really nice albums to his credit. However, it is greatly advised that he visits the bathroom and eases himself before he sings. A couple of bananas a day might help if he suffers from the same problem as George Bush and Tony Blair's dog.

Srikanth Deva and Sabesh Murali received Matrix and Warriors of Heaven and Earth sound tracks respectively as a birthday gift from Deva. Greatly inspired by these masterpieces, they have used it in every other film of theirs, as a tribute.

Misc
Matter Saamiyar Chaturvedi was released after he proved in court that the man in the video was not him. He argued that he did not have a machcham in the iduppu and urged the judges to watch the clip again. The fear of watching a matter video starring Chaturvedi, who was like a hairy version Captain's younger brother, made the judges skip the video and pass the judgement.

Bill Gates, during his visit to Chennai, met the DMK chief Mr. Karunanidhi to discuss the development of IT sector in Chennai. After one and half hour of thorough discussion, they decided that Bill Gates did not know Tamil and Karunanidhi did not know English and that it was best to say "bye", for that's the only common word they knew.

The name of a popular gameshow on Jaya TV, Jackpot, was aptly changed to Jacket. Kushboo's massive collection of torn blouses have been displayed at the Madras Museum for the 'pinnala vara sangathigal'. Since words like inflation, economy, market, export etc made no sense to political parties, they decided to shift their focus towards Kushboo's jacket, which is of utmost importance for a developing country like India.

The biggest disappointment of 2005 was that there were no Captain films!! 2006 is in for a double treat with Perarasu and Sudhesi both looking good!!

Have a blast this year folks, as there can be no better reason to celebrate!! Hope u guys had a great new year! :-)

Disclaimer : All facts stated in the above post are fictitious :)

**

P.S. : With this post, me ends my self-imposed exile

Captain Calls

Pic Courtesy : NamadhuVijaykanth

Captain Vijaykanth is reaching out to the masses in style. He has launched his official political website, namadhuvijayakanth.com The launch of the webpage shows Captain's complete sync with the current generation. Manasu alavula enga Captain-ku innum vayasaagala!!

Captain has gone for blood red, jet black and jaundice yellow combination for the colour of his party flag which I believe are his three favourite colours after seeing such huge overcoats in Narasimha. Red symblises the raw power of Captain's eyes, black hinting at our black gold Captain himself and yellow symbolises kindheartedness which Captains displays even to terrorists by advising them before they eventually die. The homepage has a hyperlink which proves to be an innovative addition to webpages. You realise after a couple of seconds that it does the function of the refresh button. So even if u don't have a refresh button in your browser u can keep seeing the same site again and again. Its the first browser independent site I believe.

The website features various sections about Captain. There is a "Captain Kural" section which might be Captain's enlightening census talk. I did not have the time to check it out since I had just 7 hrs spare time yest. A "News" section which contains updates about Captain's latest political moves is also a feature. Captain outhinks villains in his movies by following pigeons to terrorist hideouts. Lets wait and see if Captain maintains his brilliant strategic planning in politics too. Captain-in sevai, namakku thevai!! The "Photo Gallery" is a must check out! It contains huge pics of the 'political' Captain arranged in one long row. The pics may take some time if u want to save them on your comp coz they are huge, understandably so. Amazing resolution!

What caught my attention was a "Sales" section. I hope, I just hope that it auctions Captain's cine attires. His long and bright Narasimha overcoat, the exciting two layered Vanchinathan carnival glasses, bullets which Captain has caught between his teeth may all be auctioned to fetch some money to aid Captain's roll in politics.

So, what are you waiting for? Go right there. . . and ofcourse come back here share your thoughts! :-)

Vaazhga Thamizh. Valarga Captain!!

Note : Thanks to Mr. Narayanan for the link. And I've been editing this post constantly to praise Captain as much as possible. Puns are purely, totally and completely left to your perception! :-)

Many Hanker Mire

Indian Govt. trying its best to reduce oil prices!

Petroleum Minister or Minister of External Affairs? :-)

Consequence : Kokhila Ben is under immense pressure yet again as both Anil and Mukesh refuse to take over Reliance Petrochemicals!

Suggestion : Agreed all these are friendly gestures, but somebody's gotta tell this guy that he's got shiny skin and sparkling eyes...doesn't look all that good u see

P.S. : NOM to anybody, but idhellam remba over! :-)

Banned!!

Click to enlarge

Scientist's say that the Indian Government's ban on smoking in films has reduced the impact of global warming a great deal. The ice caps are no longer melting at the rate they used to. The average temperature of Chennai has decreased from 1000 deg celsius to 998 deg celsius. The world is thus becoming greener, thanks to such revolutionary laws put forward by the Government.

The Government should thus seriously consider banning CFC Refrigerators, Sudarshana Homams, Ganapathy Homams, Pump-la "Thanni Adikkarthu" etc etc on these lines.

Issued in public interest by Praveen.

Rejection Dejection - Part 2

No intro stuff for ths one, this is on the lines of this.

Interviewer : Did u expect your visa to be cancelled Mr. Sidhu?
Sidhu : The American policy is as unpredictable as Laloo's butt, they explode at any moment.
Interviewer : Any comments?
Sidhu : If only people had brains the size of JLo's butt this could have been avoided.
Interviewer : How are you feelin now?
Sidhu : As comfortable as having a porcupine below my bum.
Interviewer : How should India react to it?
Sidhu : India is bending down in front of a bull with a red cloth on its buttocks. Time to get up.
Interviewer : Why do you always stick with bums Mr. Sidhu?
Sidhu : It is important that one puts his bums to proper use. Or else you need to use perfumes like pesticides.

***

Interviewer : You know what happened Saurav?
Ganguly : Please don't disturb me now, I am going in to bat, come back later.
Interviewer : Ok, I shall go to the loo and get back, see you then.

*After 2 mins*
Interviewer : It is good to have you back. What took you so long?
Ganguly : These stupid bolwers, they keep bowling no-balls.
Interviewer : Do you know the U.S. cancelled your visa?
Ganguly : Oh no, I was planning to play baseball there.
Interviewer : That's why they cancelled it.
Ganguly : I will take up the matter with Jagmohan Dalmiya. He knows Powell very well.
Interviewer : That's Ricardo Powell Saurav.
Ganguly : Oh. What do I do then?

Saurav Ganguly kya karega? To find out, tune in same time tommorow to Kyunki Saurav Bhi Kabhi Player They.

***

Interviewer : They have cancelled your visa Laxman, any comments?
Laxman : Why? I am no terrorist. Why should they cancel my visa?
Interviewer : Your name doesn't fit on the paper. Vengipurappu Venakata Sai Lax is all they could manage. They tried processing it, but ur name overflowed onto the next guy - Mr. Anketavan had his name printed as Mananketavan for which he is planning to sue the U.S. Government. So they are pretty angry with you.

***

Interviewer : Sir unga visa cancel pannitaangalame?
Rajni : Yeah yeah yeah, Baasha, Maanik baasha.
Interviewer : Sir enna sir ungala insult pannirukaanga, neenga inga effect koduthutu irukeenga?
Rajni : Kanna thadangalukku varuntharthu Doordarshan-oda pazhakkam, aana thadai-a meerarthu dhaan indha Baasha-ku pidikkum.
Interviewer : Enna solla vareenga?
Rajni : Thadangal illatha vaazhakai illa, thadangal illama vaazhkaiye illa.
Interviewer : Idhukku andha dialogue-ey paravala, konjam purinjuthu.
Rajni : Ahahahaha. Unnai yaar madhikkara-nu paarkaathey, nee yaara madhikkara-nu paar.
Interviewer : Vekkankettu vaazhu-nu punch dialogue veraya?!
Rajni : Ahahahaha.
Interviewer : Indha sirippuku oru kuraichalum illa. Seri enna panna poreenga?
Rajni : Namma pakkam aandavan irukaan. Avan paathukkuvaan.
Interviewer : Aandavan enna sir ungala uppu mootai thookiya USA kootittu povaar? Visa vaenum sir.
Rajni : Vaendaam. Naan paattu Imayamalai Chennai-nu poitu vanthuttu irukkaen, enna anaavasiyama seendi paarkaatheenga. En power ungalukku theriyaathu
Interviewer : Neenga enna 100W bulb-a, naanga power ellam therinju vechukka. Naera matter-a sollunga.
Rajni : Naan unnaviratham irukka poraen. Visa kodukkanum appadinu solli, unna viratham irukka poraen. Amam.
Interviewer : Bush-ku edhavathu solla virumbareengala?
Rajni : Visa is the cause of all issues. One should know how to issue it, otherwise your wife will become miserable. En vazhi thani vazhi!
Interviewer : Thani vazhi-na eppadi America-ku Ashok Nagar vazhiya poveengala? Irundhaalum kurumbu sir ungalukku. All the best.

***

Interviewer : Sir unga karuthu?
Kamal : Ah well, Visa enbathin porul "official mark on a passport permitting the holder to visit a specific country" enbathaagum. Nam uzhaipukku kidaitha oothiyam endrum solla iyalum.
Interviewer : Sir??? *aaramichutaanya, kaettathukkum sollarthukkum sammandhamey illama aaramichutaanya*
Kamal : Enakku Master Card-irkum Visa card-irukum vithyasam solli thanthavar, en gurunathar, K.Balachander sir dhaan enbathai naan perumai-aaga solli kolgiraen. Naanum Rajni-um Pizza saaptathai avar innum marakkavillai endru naan nambugiraen.
Interviewer : *ivan oru thodar kathai, nammalum blade-a poduvom* Sir Italy naatil kidaikkum Pizza, ungalukku tharaliyaamey visa?
Kamal : Aaha, kavithai kavithai. Abirami abirami. Nadula indha maaney theney pon maaney ellam poattukonga.
Interviewer : *podaraen da podaraen, ammi kal-a thooki un thalai-la podaraen* Sir ungala kenji kaekkaraen, idha pathi neenga enna sir ninaikkareenga?
Kamal : Well, ennai kaettaal, K.Balachander ayya...
Interviewer : Sathyama kaekkala da saami! Aala vidunga!!
Kamal : Lanjam kaettanga, kodukka maataen sonnaen. Yaenya kodukkanum? Yaen kodukkanum?
Interviewer : Indha imsai-a avunga thaanga vaenama? Kaettatha kudunga sir.
Kamal : Aahh...aaaahh...aaaaaaahhh. Naan yaenya kodukkanum? Naan yaen kodukkanum? Monica Lewinsky kooda White House-laye matter pannitu innum U.S. citizen-a irukaan paaru Clinton, avana kodukka sollu naan kodukkaraen. Vaarathukku oru purushan-nu maathittu irukkaley Britney Spears, avala nirutha sollu naan nirutharaen. Samaadhanam samaadhanam-nu gundu poattutu irukkaney Bush kamnaati, avana kodukka sol, naan kodukkaraen. Naalu paerukku nallathu seyyanumna edhuvumae thappu illa.

***

Interviewer : Unga visa-vum cancel pannitanga sir.
Ajith : Ei, unakku theriyuma, indha Red-oda visa-va yaarum cancel panna mudiyaathu le.
Interviewer : Sir, adhaan pannitaanga sollaraen la?
Ajith : Adhu eppadi le pannuvanga?
Interviewer : Rejected-nu stamp kuthuvaanga sir.
Ajith : Adhu illa le, indha Red-oda power theriyaatha le avungalukku?
Interviewer : Ippo enna power power-nu over-a scene vittutu irukka nee? Enna rendu lorry manna alli poduviya nee?
Ajith : Bush kitta poi sollu le.
Interviewer : Enna nu?
Ajith : Thalai pola varuma-nu kaelu le.
Interviewer : Kaetta thalai-la katti anuppuvaar.
Ajith : Mazhai nikkarthukulla!
Interviewer : Adhukullayavathu kudai pudi, jaladhosham pudichukku poguthu. Unna ellam interview edukka sonaan paar boss, muthal-la avana vettanum!

***

Interviewer : Aiyya unga Visa reject pannitaanga.
Karunanidhi : Periyaar-um Anna-vum vaazhntha naatilae...ippadi oru izhivu.
Interviewer : Sir ungala pathi-a pesareenga?
Karunanidhi : America-vin indha seyal thamizhanukku nadanthirukkum oru periya avamaanam.
Ramadas : Idhai pathi pesa ivarukku endha urimai-um illai. Naan dhaan thamizhanukkaga poraadugiraen.
Karunanidhi : En moochu muzhuvathum nirambi irukkirathu thamizhin uyir ezhuthukkal.
Interviewer : Ippo naanga enna Aayitha Ezhuthu-na sonnom? Yaen sir tension aareenga. Adichukaatheenga.
Ramadas : Enga maela irukkara kovatha dhaan Bush ippadi kaamchuttar-nu ninaikkaraen.
Interviewer : Enna pannineenga neenga?
Ramadas : 40 Days 40 Nights padathukku Thamizh paeru veikkumaru kaettu kondom, poraadinom.
Interviewer : Naarpathu Pagal Naarpathu Iravu-na? Jyothi theater-layum Pilot theater-layum dhaan release panna mudiyum. Kovam vara dhaan seiyum.
Karunanidhi : SunTV andha padatha midnight masala-la podalaamnu plan panni vilaikku kaetta pozhuthu maruththu vittargal. Krathagargal. Arakkargal.
Interviewer : Vaanga AMMA.
AMMA : En visa-vum raththu seyya pattathu.
Interviewer : Yaen?
AMMA : Naan periya gown poattirukarthaala manitha vedi gundu-nu nenachutaanga.
Interviewer : Aaha idhu enna anyayama irukku? Appo manja thundu poatta Karunanidhi-ku jaundice-nu solluvaangala?
AMMA : Indha anyaayatha thadukka naan poraada pogiraen.
Karunanidhi : Appo naan adhai edhirpaen.
Interviewer : Sir unga visa-um reject pannirukaanga sir??
Karunanidhi : Naan indha vayasula eppadiyum anga ellam poga porathu illai. Adhukku naan Jayalalitha seyyum aneethigalai edhirkalaamey?
Interviewer : Idhula enna sir aneedhi?
Karunanidhi : Idhu ellam enakku theriyaathu. Jayalalitha seyyaraanga, aneethi-a dhaan irukkanum, illatiyum appadi dhaan pesuvaen.
AMMA : Enakku time aachu. Naan kilambanum. Annan naamam vaazha, MGR naamam vaazhga.
Karunanidhi : Paartheengala. Naamam-nu solraanga. Avunga jaathi vazhakkam.
AMMA : Naanga oru type of pattai podarom, adhaye bottle-la neenga podareenga, avalodhaan vidhysama. Vaazhga Thamizhagam.

Cheers :-)

Rejection Dejection

Report from the U.S. Government
After denial of visa to Narendra Modi, we have noticed that terrorism has been curbed to a great extent. Osama, who called up last night from Bunker No. 49, informed us that he is extremely pleased with U.S. action towards anti-Islamic nations. Observing the positive developments, in the best interest of world peace, we are hereby cancelling the visas of Manmohan Singh, Vajpayee, Laloo Prasad, Kris Srikkanth, Vijaykanth, T.Rajendar, and Subramania Swamy.

The reactions... (from todays news)

Interviewer : Manmohan-ji, what do you feel about this decision? What do you think is the reason behind this? What impact is it going to have on the country's repute? What is India going to do about it?
Manmohan : I welcome it. I feel Musharraf's mother has played a vital role in this, I would like to thank her. India's power has thus been made evident on the global front, thanks to Congress government. The Indian Government will make sure that Musharraf gets prime seats and pop-corns while watching the match and will take care to ensure that he is comfortable.

Interviewer : Ji, I was asking you about you the U.S. decision to cancel visas of many important Indians.
Manmohan : Baap re baap, is this true? How come Sonia ji never told me about this? I am sorry, I will be right back.

Manmohan (to Sonia) : Arey Sonia ji, you have given me the wrong piece of paper to memorise from, these people are here to ask me about some U.S. decision. They say visa cards are no longer valid in the U.S. Can I please apply for a Masters Card, please Sonia ji?

***

Interviewer : What are your thoughts on this Vajpayee ji?
Vajpayee : Is desh mein ganga *looks around for 7 seconds* behthi hai. Bharath desh mein *looks around for 12 seconds* kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi. *looks around for 6 seconds* The people *looks around for 2 3 seconds* of India *looks around for 29 seconds* are by no means *looks around for 4 seconds* lesser *looks around for 7 seconds*.......

Interviewer : Due to shortage of video tapes, were winding up here folks. We assume that Mr. Vajpayee is not taking this lightly. We will continue live telecast of this event tommorow at the same time. Mr. Vajpayee should have reached the conclusion part by then, hopefully. Thank you folks. Good night.

***

Interviewer : Does this disappoint you Laloo ji?
Laloo : Yes. I very disappoint. Doctor tell me I have mad cow dijeej.
Interviewer : Not that Laloo ji. Do you know the U.S. has denied your visa?
Laloo : How they can? I influence high in Buffalo region. Train and bus no run in bufallo tommorow.
Interviewer : How is that possible Laloo ji?
Laloo : I cowboy they cowboy. Cowboy to cowboy good relason. They protest for Laloo. I give fodder to Buffalo, buffalo faithful.

***

Interviewer : Are you worried about this Mr. Srikkanth?
Srikkanth : Arey, yeh kya. Life mey yeh subkuch bilkul hotha hai aur teek hai. Apnae influence use karke mey isko nothing kar dhoonga.
Interviewer : What would you do sir?
Srikkanth : Sirf natural game khelna. U.S. ke beech mey time spend karthi aur green card paathi.
Interviewer : Paathi?
Srikkanth : Hamarey gaaw mey "paathi" katti hee soar eat-they hai. Paathi kattinae se buthi aatha aur mere aatha kush hotha.

Interviewer : We will let you know what he meant pretty soon folks. We have sent it to Dan Brown to decode the message. If you know what he meant please SMS your answers to 7878. Thank you.

***

Interviewer : Your view Captain?
Vijaykanth : Dayavu seithu Damil-la kaelunga. Enakku aangilam pidikkathu. Aangilam namma podara pant maadhiri, aana thamizh namma podara underaayar maadhiri. Underaayar illama pant poda neenga enna Sooberman-a?
Interviewer : Neenga idhai pathi enna ninaikkareenga Captain?
Vijaykanth : India-la motham 157 U.S. embassy irukku. Adhula Damil Nadu-la mattum irukkara embassy-oda ennikkai 23. Idhula daily vara visa abblication 2378. Adhula rejet bannara abblications 1987. Indha 1987 abblications-um poda makkal selavu alikkara thogai 97,856. Aaga motham India-vukku oru naalaikku nastam 93,856 roobai. Adhaavadhu kitta thatta 2123 dollar. Idhunaala abblication rejet banna India yelai naadu aagum-nu U.S.-ku therinjuduchu. Adhaan abblication rejet pannaraanga. Dei George-u, indha ACF Ramana-va pathi unakku seriya dheriyaathu, we will meet, will meet, meet.

***

Interviewer : Sir, unga comments?
T.Rajendhar : Dei bushu, pannaraen da unna flush-u, enakku kodukka maattiya visa, idhukku unakkuenna tharanam fees-a, vida maataenda unna lesa!

***

Interviewer : Your reactions sir?
Subramania Swamy : Idho paarungo, enakku veecha kodukka maataen-nu sonnava enna nanna purinjukkathava. En pullaiyaandan America-vula irukaan. Thoappanaar-a paarkanum-nu aasai paataan. Adhaan naan anga pogaalamnu irundhaen. Amma Condoleeze Rice, unga paer-laye Rice-nu vechirukkael, Annapoorani-aana neengaley ippadi ellam seyyalama? Idhu ellam sitha kooda nanna illai.

***

Lets voice our views against the U.S. and stand up in potest as a nation like these people. Cheers :-)

Vanthutaanya Vanthutaanya!

Finally, there is hope for the people of Tamil Nadu. The man is coming to politics. After proving himself to people with his tremendous acting perfomances on the silver screen, our Captain is now set to prove it on the political front. If he becomes the CM, then Tamil Nadu will benifit a great deal.

Bullet proof car ellam thevai irukkathu. Captain podum orange colour coat pakkathula bullet kooda nerungaathu. Appadiye nerunginaalum Captain adha alek-a dodge panniduvaaru. Kashmir laenthu Kanyakumari varaikkum theevaravaathigal-a arrest panna Captain ku security-ey thevai illa. Kaveri prechanai-a theerka, Karnataka CM-a he will meet, will meet, meet. Damil patru jaasthi. So edukesan of Kadiresan and Kumaresan will improve. Damil Thaai Vaalthu will be replaced by Karuppu dhaan enakku pudicha colouru, doi-on doi-on. Computer technology will improve at such a rapid pace that students will be taught to type in Windows Media Player. Adhukku suitable R&D will be provided.

Looking at such news, my fears are increasing. Is the prediction of Siththar that Chennai will be submerged in 2010 true? :-(

Vaalga Damil. Valarga Damil Makkal.

What is this??

Narain Karthikeyan's tri-coloured helmet has been banned by the government. Reason : People should not bear the tri-colour in their clothing or equipment.

Now isn't this stupid! I don't see anything wrong if it is on his helmet! We have seen cricket stars tying the national flag around their necks like batman or superman and running about. Is that alone permitted???

Narain : "We're only doing the country proud. I can probably sell that helmet space to sponsors and make a lot of money, so it's their loss."

I guess I'll agree with him on this one.

India's own Lalu

I wish to start off this post by praying for the speedy recovery of our President - Abdul Kalam who is suffering from a minor fracture. At this moment, my only consolation is that our only other ray of hope : Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav is sitting pretty.

We have read numerous time in our history texts about how blessed a cointry India is. I am sure that our future generations would read about Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav in their texts; because that is the purpose of having history as a subject : learning from mistakes of the past!

Abdul Kalam's India 2020 is being widely talked about. No doubt it is a great vision. But Lalu's Bihar 2020 can by no means be overlooked. The eco-friendly Bihar would be the envy of the world by 2020.

Bihar 2020

• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav lives with his family (read herd) in caves, leading by example.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav discovers fire and uses it for tribal ceremonies.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav invents the wheel. He suggests a triangular shape to the wheel since it closely resembles a cow's horn.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav suggests that this change is also reflected in the National Flag - the chakra replaced by a horn.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav sits under a coconut tree and a coconute falls on his head. He promptly identifies that it looks a lot like his head. Thus tries to establish genetic relationship.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav runs naked, shouting "Yekka Yekka" when he discovers that fodder is less dense than water.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav proposes the laws of motion - every cow has its own horn which continues to grow until it is chopped off. Every horn has its pair which is equal in size to the original horn but bends in the opposite direction.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav proposes the Theory Of Relativity - Buffalo's milk contains 10% more fat than cow's milk.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav sees a bird flying. Ponders as to why his cows don't fly. Concludes that cows don't possess beaks and thus the aerodynamics.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav decides to worship the moon since it gives light at night.
• Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav promotes agriculture when he discovered that sprouts of something came out from his head and ears.

Who else had the idea to serve butter milk in earthern mutkas? The fact that the unwashed mutkas have a repelling odour and highly unhygienic is however insignificant. What matters is that this man had the noble thought to help the poor potter.

Who else had the courage to stand against Ram Vilas Paswan? Both "leaders" were magnanimous in accusing each other of criminal offences. The fact that the PM did not have the slightest idea to order an inquiry on the issue is however insignificant. What matters is the courage that this man showed in dealing with his rivals.

Who else had the idea to distribute money to the poor, to help them, before elections? That too right in front of the camera? The fact that the Election Commission gave him only a warning for outright bribery of the electorate is however insignificant. What matters is Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav's compassion, his heart to help the poor fellows buy some "mitai" to celebrate the occasion. A noble gesture.

Who else had the guts to sit when the National Anthem was being sung? Ofcourse, there was his better half who also did the same. But she also belongs to the herd..err..family of Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav. The fact that the Railway Minister and The Chief Minister of Bihar had their butts cushioned in a sofa while the others were standing as a mark of respect to the nation is however insignificant. What matters is that they were not obstructing the proceedings and thus did not commit any criminal offence.

It is indeed a sad plight that many of us Indians do not recognise the deeds of Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav. He may have a head like a coconut, agreed. He may look like a scare crow when he has his arms stretched like Jack Dawson, agreed. He may be short enought to call him a pulasulaaki, agreed. He may have a mop like hair style, agreed. He may have a very large family with similar features and to qualify for a Vikraman group photo, agreed. All that is insignificant. Appearances are deceptive. The people of Bihar are educated enough to realise this. It would not be fair on our part to not give due recognition to a man with such a bright vision. Bihar is already on the track to attain its goal. God Bless Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav. Jai Hind.

P.S. : I had absolutely no intentions to insult Abdul Kalam by talking about Shri Shri Shri Lalu Prasad Yadav in the same paragraph. Hope you understand.

Here we go again

Mumbai Express
Originally uploaded by Prav.

The politicians were probably waiting for somebody to pick on. It's poor Kamal Hassan yet again. A controversy over the title of his upcoming film - Mumbai Express. Thol Thirumalvalavan, the leader of Dalit Panthers of India, has warned the actor to change the name of his film. He has joined hands with Dr. Ramadas to protect Tamil. S.J.Suryah's BestFriend is also under the hammer.

What needs to be done first...

• Dalit Panthers of India should called Indhiyaavin Dalith Siruththaigal (IDS)
• Dr. Ramadas should be called Maruththuvar Ramadas.
• Thol Thirumalvalavan should wear a dhothi and a kadhar shirt.
• All Tamil channels should be given Tamil names - Suriya Tholaiktaachi, Suriya Seithigal etc etc.
• All marketing in TamilNadu must only be in Tamil - Thummal (Hutch), Paalpannai Paal (Dairy Milk), Kaapi Dhinam (Coffee Day), Soaru Ulagam (Food World), Paaru Di (CD), Olli (Sony) etc.
• All train names need to be changed - Attagaasa Thumbikkai Viraivu Rayil (GT Express), Nadu Nagaram (Inter City) etc etc.

Mumbai Viraivu Rayil or Mumbai Express, don't understand how it matters. What's in a name, they say. How wrong they were! The politicians have realised very well that picking on cinema actors and film titles is the best way to get free publicity.

Perhaps films should be named Aana, Aavanna, Eena, Eeanna...That way they will teach the public the basics of Tamizh Mozhi. Then, as time progresses, they can get to slightly complex titles like Amma, Appa, Thaatha, Paatti etc. After teaching the fundamental words, they can get to sentences like Amma Ingae Vaa, Eeyai Thoora Oattu, Dho Dho Naai Kutti etc. Finally they can make the people experts by giving titles from Thirukkural, Aathichuvadi etc. This seems to be the best scheme to propogate the beauty of Tamil in the simplest manner. The current generation will start learning the basics and after two generations Thamizh Thaai will be happy at the way things have progressed. In 2100 A.D., Thamizh thiraipadangal dialogues like, "Ayyo, amma ku phone pannaliye" will be replaced by, "Aiyyaho, en thaai udan tholaipesi-il uraiyaada maranthu potiyrey, naan en seivaen"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my opinion, you just need to educate yourself from the right source. Cinema is ofcourse influential, but more because of the visual effect. Vulgarity may be condemned as cultural degradation, but not movie titles (as long as it does not suggest anything cheap). English words have become more common among Tamil speaking people and I don't think the process is reversible. Picking on every single aspect of a popular movie makes it explicit that all this is just cheap publicity.

Nandri, Vanakkam :)