Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Bleddy Budget

*Echoos me for trying to make some intellectual comments and all. I also the MBA-nu kaatikka enakku vera vazhi therila!*

The Union Budget. A document which has not been understood even by the elite few who deciphered Inzamam's English. A session which has as much viewership as news for the deaf and dumb on DD. An event which recieves so much coverage that it pushes news of national importance like Abdul Kalam tripping and actress Namitha's advise to youngsters about Indian culture to the lower section of the front page of newspapers. A license for the Government to showcase stupidity and, ironically, enlarge their vote banks.

The budget makes no sense to the common man. This blog is replete with nonsense. So, what better place to read about something as complex and useless as the budget? :-)

Continue reading crap . . .

Being a socially conscious blogger (oru small effect dhaan, kindly echoos!) with an objective of educating my readers, I managed to sneak into the conference room of UPA (Useless Parties Alliance) to capture the meeting between a bunch of ministers discussing the budget before it was presented. They were Mr. Madmohan, Mr. Chee Bambaram, Mr. Moron, Mr. Sottai Singh and Mr. Lollu.

Madmohan : I welcome the honorable members . . .
Sottai : Oh, can I stay then?
Lollu : Sottai ji, that is just formality. If only honorable members were to stay, only the watchman would be permitted inside Parliament.
Madmohan : Silence! Please take your seat.
Sottai : 50% seats reserved for rear class. Please follow rule.
Madmohan : *kottifies on Sottai ji mandai* Chee Bambaram ji, please throw some light on this years budget plans.
Moron : Neenga avara velakku pudikka solreengala?
Chee Bambaram : Moron ji, siththa adha saathindu irukkaela?

Madmohan : Ok ji, what is the major objective of this year's budget?
Chee Bambaram : To increase the growth rate of the country.
Lollu : Oh, you've made condoms expensive?
Chee Bambaram : Economic growth! I have looked into the future and proposed long term measures.
Madmohan : When will the measures show effect?
Chee Bambaram : As early as 3007 A.D.
Moron : Late Justice! That is against Dravidian principles!
Sottai : Me also object. Rahul Dravid front class!
Lollu : But his wife first class!

Chee Bambaram : The government will spend a lot on Health and Infrastructure improvement this year.
Lollu : Yes, first invest some for Rabri and improve her structure.
Sottai : Ha Ha. With bad structure Lollu ji have 239 baby, if Devi ji good figure Bihar population all call Lollu as papa.
Madmohan : What's the expenditure?
Lollu : Pure hardwork. No shortcuts. Vali dhaan vetriyin ragasiyamey.
Madmohan : Not you Lollu ji!
Chee Bambaram : First it will reach the minister, then the state officer, district officer, panchayat leader, country tortoise Sarath Kumar, secretary, car driver, office boy and the watchman. The remaining amount will be available to the general public to buy either a crocin or a brick depending on whether they want to invest it or health or infrastructure.
Moron : We should have more funds for the mid-day meal scheme. Tamil Nadu-la naanga muttai podarom for Mid Day meal.
Lollu : Muttai podarthukku neenga enna kozhi-a?
Madmohan : Stop the nonsense please.
Sottai : Oh, meeting over ji?

Chee Bambaram : I've also increased the investment immensely in Agriculture and Education.
Moron : Why?
Chee Bambaram : Because farmers and illilterates do not know about the Right to Information Act as yet.
Sottai : Act? You mean drama? Then we give all forward ticket to rear class ji, good idea no?
Chee Bambaram : *pointing at Sottai ji* See the proof.
Lollu : So, all investment for Agriculture and Education ministry?! Please, I want that portfolio ji. I want to serve the country!
Moron : Appo Vasantha Bhavan-la server-a join pannu! Madmohan ji, there is nobody educated like me in the whole of India, I should only get that portfolio ji.
Madmohan : Ya nobody else failed four times in fourth standard.
Sottai : Ji, idea. I permit rear class alone to fail eight times in fourth standard. We pass law?
Madmohan : You first pass SSLC. Chee Bambaram ji, but if nothing progresses will we not lose vote?
Moron : That we can promise home theater system to all farmers before election so that they watch Vayalum Vaazhvum and increase productivity.
Madmohan : What if they watch midnight masala and increase their reproductivity?! Where do you get such salivated ideas?
Moron : Err...what..?
Chee Bambaram : Indha echai idea ungalukku mattum eppadi thonuthu-nu kekkararu.
Madmohan : We should probably encourage corporate spending in rural areas to ensure faster growth. Public Private Partnership (PPP) and all.
Chee Bambaram : The communist parties will oppose it.
Madmohan : Why?
Chee Bambaram : Because they are communist parties.
Madmohan : How do we please them?
Chee Bambaram : 1) Keeping quiet. 2) Call for a nationwide strike.

Madmohan : Good then, lets continue with these and then if farmers can't wait until 3007 A.D. and commit suicide, we will punish them.
Chee Bambaram : Yes. We will collect one rupee from their forehead as death tax and impose a surcharge on cotton stuffing in the nose.
Sottai : Ji, idea. We put law that all rear class body lie face down, so rear will come up.
Moron : Ya, then we can promise Sudermani jetty to all the rears below poverty line!
Lollu : Jetty below waist line-la?

Madmohan : Let us know what the corporate will be paying.
Sottai : You mean just for jetty?
Chee Bambaram : *kottufies on Sottai ji mandai* IT companies will also pay MAT.
Madmohan : We are already getting around 85% from the corporates. Let's concentrate on the defaulters, no?
Lollu : No no, mummy paavam. I am honorary member, ji.
Chee Bambaram : Oh, I've ammended Section 80(G) of the I-T Act and made ministers exempt from taxes already. This will ensure that there are no defaulters.
Sottai : 80G? Is it Parle G super saver pack?
Madmohan : Ok, ok. No changes. I heard you were considering DDT too?
Sottai : No no ji. That my area. DDT is Daman District Tribal. They get 7% seat.
Madmohan : Bleddy, I am talking about Dividend Distribution Tax!
Chee Bambaram : 15% tax will be levied on dividends declared by the companies for the shareholders.
Moron : But didn't you say that DDT is like double taxation because a company pays taxes on its profits and declares dividend only with the remaining amount?
Chee Bambaram : Adhu pona maasam. Naan sollarthu indha maasam!
Madmohan : Super.
Chee Bambaram : Soon I'll include DGT and BJADT also.
Madmohan : Which is?
Chee Bambaram : Dividend Govinda Tax and Bleddy, Just Another Dividend Tax.
Madmohan : Which means?
Chee Bambaram : That the companies will have to send all dividends directly to the government.
Moron : Ji with all the extra money can we give one Padmashree for my second daughter studying in third standard?
Chee Bambaram : What is she doing?
Moron : She has great interest in ball porukkifying in tennis matches ji.
Sottai : Oh what a feat. Ji I recommended her for Bharat Ratna under BRKRR scheme.
Madmoham : ?!
Sottai : Bharat Ratna Kilo Rendu Roobai scheme ji.

Lollu : What about the tax slabs?
Chee Bambaram : I've increased the non-taxable amount by as much as 10,000!!! So each person gets a tax benefit of like 1000 rupees in a year, which is like 3 rupees per day!
Moron : Oh, idhukku paeru benefit-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ippo Royapettah Benefit Fund-nu illa? Adhaala yaarukku enna benefit? (except Kamal) Same logic dhaan.
Moron : Logic-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ya, tax is for them and benefit is for us. Nobody will understand anyways.
Madmohan : How are you so sure?
Chee Bambaram : Even if people end up understanding the tax laws by mistake, I will make sure they won't understand the tax form.

Lollu : But there is this 1% education cess increase which would perhaps cost more than 3 rupees per day?
Sottai : Yayy! We include Bayangara Backward Class as rear category with that money.
Madmohan : Always quota! Were you born in ration shop?! Fine ditch it. Chee Bambaram ji, the corporates are contributing to the growth of the country and we are not giving them any incentives to grow further?
Chee Bambaram : If we give incentives to them, we cannot meet other important commitments like exempting duty on imported Ferrari's and Bentley's of prominent personalities. Bleddy, I am aiming for inclusive growth. Naalu perukku nallathu seyyanumna edhuvumae thappu illa.
Moron : Yaar andha naalu paer?
Chee Bambaram : Nee, naan, Madmohan ji and Lollu ji.
Lollu : Then Sottai ji?
Chee Bambaram : He has already grown enough. If he grows more he will cause inflation. So I have left him out.

Madmohan : Ah, most imporant. What have you done to control inflation?
Chee Bambaram : VLCC membership will be free for all now.
Madmohan : Ayyo not that. The economic inflation?
Chee Bambaram : I am making dog food cheaper. This ensures basic necessity of good food for married men.
Madmohan : Then how will we call this Aam Aadmi Budget?
Chee Bambaram : The same way we call ourselves a progressive alliance!
Madmohan : Alright. Don't you feel the inflation is more due to supply side constraints?
Chee Bambaram : What is the shortage for supply once Lollu ji sets up the Independent Child Factory in Bihar?
Lollu : Err. I said there'll be a coach factory there, not a child factory.
Chee Bambaram : I mean your house.
Madmohan : No, I mean Agriculture is growing at such a slow pace that it is not able to supply goods to the market and this scarcity is causing the price rise. Is it not?
Sottai : Idea ji. We give Horlicks to farmers. It grow taller, higher and stronger. Yepang, opang, japang!

Lollu : Any other reductions?
Chee Bambaram : I've cut duties.
Moron : Cool. I will now have lesser work.
Chee Bambaram : Not your duties, Moron ji. The duty on items I mean.
Moron : Which means?
Chee Bambaram : Many useful items like umbrella parts, door handles, shower caps, bluish black colour leather seat covers, bathroom slippers, cricket bat rubber grips and masuru from Sottai ji mandai will be extremely cheap.
Moron : Oh yaanai mudi maadhiri paanai mudi-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ya, laik that wonly.

. . . and thanks to the live telecast on DD, we all know how the farce ended! :-)

Unfortunately, the first budget I tried to make sense of was utter nonsense :-(

Disclaimer : I completely disown this post. It has been reproduced verbatim from piece of paper lying on the streets of Andheri. All legal disputes may thus be directed to the municipal corporation of Mumbai, if such an entity exists! :-)

Thanks to Sruthi for the budget data and being of help for the first time ever! :-)

And importantly, Happy Birthday Sandhya! :-)

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