2011 - Year in Mokkais

Yo boys. I am write blog. Mokka blog.

As I write this, India is mukking in Aus. 11 paeru. Moochu thenara thenara adikkaranunga. Mokka start to 2012. Mokka ending also predicted by Mayans. Gods are probably talking about it.

Shiva: Dei Vishnu
Vishnu: Yes mama
Shiva: I am only destroyer no?
Vishnu: Yes mama
Shiva: Then why you need Kalki avatharam? Sit simply.
Vishnu: 10 is very round number da. They took movie also with that name. So I will wonly take off da.
Shiva: Ok po, when you are taking da?
Vishnu: This year only, I think.
Shiva: What?? This year-a? Have you taken birth and all?
Vishnu: Yes da
Shiva: Adapaavi. Who?
Vishnu: Sachin da. People also know. They call me God.
Shiva: Semma. Destroy off today then. Very tiring, this job.
Vishnu: Pls machi. Innum orey oru century adichuttu...
Shiva: Aiyo, bleddy fellow, what is it with you and round numbers? I give you till end of year ok? If not I will destroy off.
Vishnu: Nanbaen da!

Ok mama. Now tune change-u. Small size mokkais about last year-u. Mostly english-u.

Ready. 1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. !

Gautham Menon released Nadunisi Naaigal without any BGM. Also without any story, screenplay and direction.

Captain caused confusion after a newspaper quoted him as saying, "Raja sould be arrusted for causing loss to the eggs checker". He supposedly meant exchequer.

Raja was arrested and sent to Tihar. Took offence when the jailor tried to console him saying, "(h)otha hai".

Animal Planet acquired 50% stake in Kural TV. TR released the Afro music that has since been scientifically proven to turn on a female hippopotamus.

India won the cricket world cup after 28 years. Indians were overjoyed that there will be no more Hindi interviews of Kris Srikkanth describing the catch which Kapil pakda for Richards out karne ka.

Sachin was spotted outside TASMAC with RC & water packet after he overheard Sreesanth speaking to his mom, "Enda amme, totally rendu world cup medal kitti"

Kalmadi was asked to organize the Common Wealth Games, and was arrested for taking it in the literal sense.

Before killing Osama, the NAVY SEALS asked him, 'Do you have a last wish you mother f*****?' He replied, 'Yes, kill me before RA.One is released'.

Jaya became CM. Praised Anna naamam & MGR naamam. Iyengars confused.

Inflation was a major issue. Especially for Thala Ajith.

When asked if he does any homework to practice his expressions, Cheran revealed that he does not go two bathroom during the entire shooting schedule.

Kalimozhi sent to Tihar. A visibly happy Raja called the jailor and told him, "(h)otha hai".

Jaya wrote 18923 letters to PM in 3 months. Not sure if they contained 'Will you have fraanship with me?' messages.

Amar Singh tried out phone sex. There was a leak and the world came to know. Pun unintended.

Farmers in UP protested that they could not live on Rs.32/day if Rahul Gandhi ate their dinner every night.

Vaughan suspected that Laxman used vaseline on his bat. Could be true or false depending on what bat he was talking about.

Troubled by Suriya's constant thoppai exposure, people suggested that BCCI send him on overseas tours to provide a flat track.

Tamil cinema got a vidi velli - Power Star Dr.Srinivsasan. He looks like shaving panna TR, that is, some one who justu missed two million years of evolootion.

There was an all India meeting to discuss why Prashanth was still acting in movies.

Gayle to WICB, "Guys, I am finally in awesome form, lets become great team!" WICB to Gayle, "Fack, you are dropped!"

Jaya announced that 250 public toilets opened by DMK will be converted to Urine Test Labs for the poor.

RA.One released. Manmohan speechless.

Sagarika Ghose conducted a interview with BabyB minutes before it was born. Later clarified that uterus cam and all was a technical glitch.

Burkha Dutt stuffed a mic in BabyB's mouth and asked how it felt. Later apologised for being naive.

Arnab Goswami questioned BabyB over the telephone and also answered on its behalf. BabyB cried and hung up.

Undiscolosed sources revealed that BabyB is currently taller than Suriya by a few inches.

Indian Kabbadi world champion team goes back home by rickshaw. Govt confessed that they were unaware of the event and thought it was Ghilli climax scene shooting for a Hindi remake.

10 Indians applied for Pakistan citizenship after they were harassed by the "Every Indian must read this" messages on Facebook.

Google search for "Vidya Balan hot" used to return images of her with an iron box. Naseeruddin Shah replaced the iron box.

Vidya Balan went to skin doctor for some treatment. Doctor told, 'It's ok ma, no need to show, yesterday only I saw in night show'.

Every one who has completed saralivarisai came up with a Kolaveri video.

Sharad Pawar slapped hard. Doctors confirm that it is a medical miracle that his face is still distorted.

TR danced topless in African forest. The term 'flash mob' was coined.

Godrej agreed to sponsor a saavi koththu for STR's kaakavalippu problem after seeing his love anthem.

Poonam Pandey offered to strip if Sachin scored his 100th ton. Sachin said, 'Podi Pandey', and later admitted to making a typo while speaking.

Kapil Sibal wanted Facebook to hire people to manually read through every single update posted. Somebody needs to tell him that all IT employees do this only.

PM visited Chennai to accept Jaya's fraanship request and collect any letters that have not been posted yet.

Captain was arrested for waving a black flag when PM visited Chennai. He was released after he clarified that he was actually drying his komanam.

After finding out that Power Star Dr.Srinivsan is in Chennai, Thane puyal thaane diverted itself to Cudallore.

Jodhida Megamani Lion K.Paarangal told Sachin that Sani is vakram-ly looking at him after peyarchi. So he has suggested that Sachin ethify nei vilakku in nearest Sani temple, and write 'Sachin 99+1' with kari on the wall.

Anna Hazare went without food for several days for a Lokpal Bill. Hence became the #2 Googled person in India, behind only Katrina Kaif, who released Chikni Chameli.

Poonam Pandey announced that she will strip for the New Year bash. Kapil Sibal confirms that she has nothing significant to censor.

AND

Happy New Year! =)

PS: Don't make resolution and all this year. Ulagam azhiya poguthu. Open the bottle!

Echa Pasanga Naanga

I thought I would never blog again! But, New Year adhuvuma, rendu paera echai thuppi mangalagarama oru post poda vaendiya kattaayam! :)

So here goes . . .!

Steve and Mark-nu rendu close friends. Paakarthukku rendum total opposites, aana character-wise rendum same worstu behaviour wonly. Oru naal . . .

January 1, 1968
Steve: Dei Mark, innikku New Year da.
Mark: Aiyyo! Nallavela gnabaga paduthina. Namma annachi innum daily sheet calendar kodukkala!
Steve: Yaaru Sarathkumar-a?
Mark: Chi.. namma maligai kadai annachi da.
Steve: Idhukku ellam kavala padatha Mark. Enga veetla avar pona varusham kodutha calendar use pannama appadiye vechirukkom. Adhai vaena naan unakku tharaen da.
Mark: Ennai enna muttal-nu nenachiya?
Steve: Yaen da?
Mark: Pona varusha calendar-a indha varusham eppadi da use panna mudiyum muttal. 1968 leap year-la?

*Ippadithaan chinna vayasulaenthey rendu perum romba brilliant. Oru naal they were deciding on their careers*

Continue Thupping . .

Mark: Steve, 8th standard-la 9th time-a fail aagarom. Varuthama irukka?
Steve: Illa da tension-a irukku.
Mark: Yaen?
Steve: 10th anniversary celebarate pannama poiduvomo-nu.
Mark: Chi! Vera edhavathu field-la achieve pannuvomey?
Steve: Padippu varala. Paattu varala. Drawing varala. Sports suththama varala. Ivalo yaen, pichai kooda edukka try pannitom, mudila. Idhukku maela enna da panna mudiyum?
Mark: Mudiyum. ICC panel-la umpire-a povom.
Steve: Seri ok. Porathu dhaan porom. Fourth Umpire-a povoma?
Mark: Why?
Steve: Fourth Umpire-na namma kooda andha Mandira ponnu okkarum machi. TV-la kaatuvan.

*ICC selects Steve and Mark for the job*

Steve: Cha!
Mark: Enna?
Steve: Fourth Umpire-a poda sonna, enna da field-la nikka solraanga. Orey veyyil-a irukku.
Mark: Don't worry da. Kelvi pattirukkaen ellarayum first field-la dhaan poduvaangalam. Fourth Umpire-ngarthu very senior position. As you grow unakku Mandira pakkathula seat undu.
Steve: Ennavo po. Machi naalaikku match. Indha, unakkaga naan soda bottle vaangittu vandhirukkaen. Idha udachu, kannu munnadi vechu paatha kannu paleer-nu theriyum.
Mark: Thanks da. Naan unakkaaga sunnambu vaangittu vandhirukkaen. Idha moonjila poosinda un complexion affect aagama irukkum. Appuram Sivaji Rajni maadhiri vellai-a aagiduva.

*Match Begins*

Mark: Machi nee kodutha kannadi semma sharp da.
Steve: Ellam nalla theriyutha?
Mark: Yes da. Ippo dhaan anga rendu vellai pura joing-nu paranthu poachu. Naan paathutteney!
Steve: Ada paavi. Appo ball-a paakaliya nee?
Mark: Adha pathi dhaan pesittu irukkaen!

Steve: Mark, yaenda en kai-laye innum ball irukku? Match innum aaramikkalaya?
Mark: Ada paavi. Ippo lunch break da. Un kai-la irukkartha poosanikka.
Steve: Oho. Enakku match aaramichuthu-nu yaen yaarume sollala?
Mark: Dei Sachin-a out vaera koduthaye da!
Steve: Appadiya? Yaaro nadoola howzzaaa-nu kathinaangale adhukku dhaana? Naan yaaro merattaraanga nenachu konnuduvaen-nu kai kaamchaen. Adhu dhaan out-a? Yaenda sollave illa!

Steve: Dei Mark, nee kodutha sunaambu seri illa nenaikkaraen. Eriyuthu.
Mark: Yaenda naaye kannu-la ellam poda adhu enna mai-a? Nallavela, osi-la kadachuthu-nu vaera engayum thadavama vittaye.
Steve: Ippo eppadi da manage panna?
Mark: Loosu. Kai-aala dhaaney out kaatta pora. Appuram edhukku veena kanna tharandhu vechirukka. Nalla moodikko.

Steve: Dei appeal panraanga da. Saththam kaekkuthu.
Mark: Machi Ponting edho catch-a pudichaan nenaikkaraen. Sure-a therilaye. Enna panna?
Steve: Avanaye kooptu kelu da.
Mark: Dei Ponting, catch pudichiya?
Ponting: Yes sir, one pitch one hand.
Mark: Plum out. Dei Ganguly, loosu payale, one pitch catch-la poi out aaraye vekkama illa?

Mark: Kumble, yaen ippadi kaththara?
Kumble: LB appeal.
Mark: Leg Byes-ku yaen appeal pannara nee? Kaetta koduthuttu poraen.
Kumble: Aiyyo, Leg Before Wicket. LBW.
Mark: Sellathu sellathu. Yaenda mandaya kaal-a stump munnadi vekkama pinnadiya vepaanga. Not out.

*Press Conference*
Journalist: Many decisions in this match were controversial. What went wrong?
Steve: Ofcourse, the decisions wonly!
Journalist: Why did you not refer Ponting's catch to the third umpire.
Mark: Idhu Ganguly, Ponting and naan sammandha patta vishayam. Idha oru moonavathu manushan kitta kaekka solreengala? Cha!
Journalist: Appo why is there a third umpire?
Steve: Idhu neenga avara kaekka vaendiya kelvi!
Journalist: Jaffer was bowled. But it was a no ball. Why did you give him out?
Mark: Adhu eppadi irukkara ball-a illa-nu solla mudiyum. Naan poi solla maataen! Umaachi kanna kuthidum!
Journalist: Why did you give Sachin out caught when he did not even play the ball?
Steve: Paarunga, naan menakettu andha physio payyan kitta kaettaen. Avan dhaan Sachin-ku mudhugu pudichu vidartha sonaan. So Caught Behind out. Rules are rules.
Journalist: Why did you not give Ponting and Symonds out even when they nicked the ball??
Mark: Idhukku ellam eppadi out kodukka mudiyum. Ellarum dhaan ball-a nakkaraanga!
Journalist: Nakked the ball illa nicked the ball!
Steve: Appo ball-a nikka vecha thappa?!
Journalist: Aala vidunga! Kumble, how do you feel about the umpiring? Any strategies for the upcoming matches?
Kumble: Yes. Inimae umpire kai thooka try panna non-striker-a vittu kichu kichu mootta solla porom. Vera vazhiye illa!
Journalist: Any comments on Symonds being called monkey?
Kumble: There is nothing racist about it. We called Ricky monkey too, he never bothered. Symonds-ku uruthuthu.
Journalist: Appadiya?
Symonds: Light-a!
Journalist: Ponting, shouldn't you have played the game with sportsmanship? Is this right?
Ponting: It is a matter of integrity and no compromise must be made.
Journalist: Yaarukku?
Ponting: Yaarukko!
Journalist: Last question. Umpires, neenga nallavara kettavara?
Steve & Mark: Aaah. Aaaaaaah. Therilaye pa! Therilaye!
Kumble: Appo mudhal-la kannadi-a vaangi podunga da echa pasangala!

Wish you all a very very happy new year!!! A lot of you have stayed with this blog despite all my laziness. Thanks a ton!! :)

A quick update. MBA mudiya poguthu. I begin work right from next month! Inimae enna yaarum velai vetti illatha payyan-nu solla mudiyaathu :D

Ushaar Mein Hai

Yes. Be careful when you are chatting with a girl and want to ask her "Paathiya?"

'P' and 'O' are next to each other on the keyboard.

Ushaar. Wokie? :)

Bleddy Budget

*Echoos me for trying to make some intellectual comments and all. I also the MBA-nu kaatikka enakku vera vazhi therila!*

The Union Budget. A document which has not been understood even by the elite few who deciphered Inzamam's English. A session which has as much viewership as news for the deaf and dumb on DD. An event which recieves so much coverage that it pushes news of national importance like Abdul Kalam tripping and actress Namitha's advise to youngsters about Indian culture to the lower section of the front page of newspapers. A license for the Government to showcase stupidity and, ironically, enlarge their vote banks.

The budget makes no sense to the common man. This blog is replete with nonsense. So, what better place to read about something as complex and useless as the budget? :-)

Continue reading crap . . .

Being a socially conscious blogger (oru small effect dhaan, kindly echoos!) with an objective of educating my readers, I managed to sneak into the conference room of UPA (Useless Parties Alliance) to capture the meeting between a bunch of ministers discussing the budget before it was presented. They were Mr. Madmohan, Mr. Chee Bambaram, Mr. Moron, Mr. Sottai Singh and Mr. Lollu.

Madmohan : I welcome the honorable members . . .
Sottai : Oh, can I stay then?
Lollu : Sottai ji, that is just formality. If only honorable members were to stay, only the watchman would be permitted inside Parliament.
Madmohan : Silence! Please take your seat.
Sottai : 50% seats reserved for rear class. Please follow rule.
Madmohan : *kottifies on Sottai ji mandai* Chee Bambaram ji, please throw some light on this years budget plans.
Moron : Neenga avara velakku pudikka solreengala?
Chee Bambaram : Moron ji, siththa adha saathindu irukkaela?

Madmohan : Ok ji, what is the major objective of this year's budget?
Chee Bambaram : To increase the growth rate of the country.
Lollu : Oh, you've made condoms expensive?
Chee Bambaram : Economic growth! I have looked into the future and proposed long term measures.
Madmohan : When will the measures show effect?
Chee Bambaram : As early as 3007 A.D.
Moron : Late Justice! That is against Dravidian principles!
Sottai : Me also object. Rahul Dravid front class!
Lollu : But his wife first class!

Chee Bambaram : The government will spend a lot on Health and Infrastructure improvement this year.
Lollu : Yes, first invest some for Rabri and improve her structure.
Sottai : Ha Ha. With bad structure Lollu ji have 239 baby, if Devi ji good figure Bihar population all call Lollu as papa.
Madmohan : What's the expenditure?
Lollu : Pure hardwork. No shortcuts. Vali dhaan vetriyin ragasiyamey.
Madmohan : Not you Lollu ji!
Chee Bambaram : First it will reach the minister, then the state officer, district officer, panchayat leader, country tortoise Sarath Kumar, secretary, car driver, office boy and the watchman. The remaining amount will be available to the general public to buy either a crocin or a brick depending on whether they want to invest it or health or infrastructure.
Moron : We should have more funds for the mid-day meal scheme. Tamil Nadu-la naanga muttai podarom for Mid Day meal.
Lollu : Muttai podarthukku neenga enna kozhi-a?
Madmohan : Stop the nonsense please.
Sottai : Oh, meeting over ji?

Chee Bambaram : I've also increased the investment immensely in Agriculture and Education.
Moron : Why?
Chee Bambaram : Because farmers and illilterates do not know about the Right to Information Act as yet.
Sottai : Act? You mean drama? Then we give all forward ticket to rear class ji, good idea no?
Chee Bambaram : *pointing at Sottai ji* See the proof.
Lollu : So, all investment for Agriculture and Education ministry?! Please, I want that portfolio ji. I want to serve the country!
Moron : Appo Vasantha Bhavan-la server-a join pannu! Madmohan ji, there is nobody educated like me in the whole of India, I should only get that portfolio ji.
Madmohan : Ya nobody else failed four times in fourth standard.
Sottai : Ji, idea. I permit rear class alone to fail eight times in fourth standard. We pass law?
Madmohan : You first pass SSLC. Chee Bambaram ji, but if nothing progresses will we not lose vote?
Moron : That we can promise home theater system to all farmers before election so that they watch Vayalum Vaazhvum and increase productivity.
Madmohan : What if they watch midnight masala and increase their reproductivity?! Where do you get such salivated ideas?
Moron : Err...what..?
Chee Bambaram : Indha echai idea ungalukku mattum eppadi thonuthu-nu kekkararu.
Madmohan : We should probably encourage corporate spending in rural areas to ensure faster growth. Public Private Partnership (PPP) and all.
Chee Bambaram : The communist parties will oppose it.
Madmohan : Why?
Chee Bambaram : Because they are communist parties.
Madmohan : How do we please them?
Chee Bambaram : 1) Keeping quiet. 2) Call for a nationwide strike.

Madmohan : Good then, lets continue with these and then if farmers can't wait until 3007 A.D. and commit suicide, we will punish them.
Chee Bambaram : Yes. We will collect one rupee from their forehead as death tax and impose a surcharge on cotton stuffing in the nose.
Sottai : Ji, idea. We put law that all rear class body lie face down, so rear will come up.
Moron : Ya, then we can promise Sudermani jetty to all the rears below poverty line!
Lollu : Jetty below waist line-la?

Madmohan : Let us know what the corporate will be paying.
Sottai : You mean just for jetty?
Chee Bambaram : *kottufies on Sottai ji mandai* IT companies will also pay MAT.
Madmohan : We are already getting around 85% from the corporates. Let's concentrate on the defaulters, no?
Lollu : No no, mummy paavam. I am honorary member, ji.
Chee Bambaram : Oh, I've ammended Section 80(G) of the I-T Act and made ministers exempt from taxes already. This will ensure that there are no defaulters.
Sottai : 80G? Is it Parle G super saver pack?
Madmohan : Ok, ok. No changes. I heard you were considering DDT too?
Sottai : No no ji. That my area. DDT is Daman District Tribal. They get 7% seat.
Madmohan : Bleddy, I am talking about Dividend Distribution Tax!
Chee Bambaram : 15% tax will be levied on dividends declared by the companies for the shareholders.
Moron : But didn't you say that DDT is like double taxation because a company pays taxes on its profits and declares dividend only with the remaining amount?
Chee Bambaram : Adhu pona maasam. Naan sollarthu indha maasam!
Madmohan : Super.
Chee Bambaram : Soon I'll include DGT and BJADT also.
Madmohan : Which is?
Chee Bambaram : Dividend Govinda Tax and Bleddy, Just Another Dividend Tax.
Madmohan : Which means?
Chee Bambaram : That the companies will have to send all dividends directly to the government.
Moron : Ji with all the extra money can we give one Padmashree for my second daughter studying in third standard?
Chee Bambaram : What is she doing?
Moron : She has great interest in ball porukkifying in tennis matches ji.
Sottai : Oh what a feat. Ji I recommended her for Bharat Ratna under BRKRR scheme.
Madmoham : ?!
Sottai : Bharat Ratna Kilo Rendu Roobai scheme ji.

Lollu : What about the tax slabs?
Chee Bambaram : I've increased the non-taxable amount by as much as 10,000!!! So each person gets a tax benefit of like 1000 rupees in a year, which is like 3 rupees per day!
Moron : Oh, idhukku paeru benefit-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ippo Royapettah Benefit Fund-nu illa? Adhaala yaarukku enna benefit? (except Kamal) Same logic dhaan.
Moron : Logic-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ya, tax is for them and benefit is for us. Nobody will understand anyways.
Madmohan : How are you so sure?
Chee Bambaram : Even if people end up understanding the tax laws by mistake, I will make sure they won't understand the tax form.

Lollu : But there is this 1% education cess increase which would perhaps cost more than 3 rupees per day?
Sottai : Yayy! We include Bayangara Backward Class as rear category with that money.
Madmohan : Always quota! Were you born in ration shop?! Fine ditch it. Chee Bambaram ji, the corporates are contributing to the growth of the country and we are not giving them any incentives to grow further?
Chee Bambaram : If we give incentives to them, we cannot meet other important commitments like exempting duty on imported Ferrari's and Bentley's of prominent personalities. Bleddy, I am aiming for inclusive growth. Naalu perukku nallathu seyyanumna edhuvumae thappu illa.
Moron : Yaar andha naalu paer?
Chee Bambaram : Nee, naan, Madmohan ji and Lollu ji.
Lollu : Then Sottai ji?
Chee Bambaram : He has already grown enough. If he grows more he will cause inflation. So I have left him out.

Madmohan : Ah, most imporant. What have you done to control inflation?
Chee Bambaram : VLCC membership will be free for all now.
Madmohan : Ayyo not that. The economic inflation?
Chee Bambaram : I am making dog food cheaper. This ensures basic necessity of good food for married men.
Madmohan : Then how will we call this Aam Aadmi Budget?
Chee Bambaram : The same way we call ourselves a progressive alliance!
Madmohan : Alright. Don't you feel the inflation is more due to supply side constraints?
Chee Bambaram : What is the shortage for supply once Lollu ji sets up the Independent Child Factory in Bihar?
Lollu : Err. I said there'll be a coach factory there, not a child factory.
Chee Bambaram : I mean your house.
Madmohan : No, I mean Agriculture is growing at such a slow pace that it is not able to supply goods to the market and this scarcity is causing the price rise. Is it not?
Sottai : Idea ji. We give Horlicks to farmers. It grow taller, higher and stronger. Yepang, opang, japang!

Lollu : Any other reductions?
Chee Bambaram : I've cut duties.
Moron : Cool. I will now have lesser work.
Chee Bambaram : Not your duties, Moron ji. The duty on items I mean.
Moron : Which means?
Chee Bambaram : Many useful items like umbrella parts, door handles, shower caps, bluish black colour leather seat covers, bathroom slippers, cricket bat rubber grips and masuru from Sottai ji mandai will be extremely cheap.
Moron : Oh yaanai mudi maadhiri paanai mudi-a?
Chee Bambaram : Ya, laik that wonly.

. . . and thanks to the live telecast on DD, we all know how the farce ended! :-)

Unfortunately, the first budget I tried to make sense of was utter nonsense :-(

Disclaimer : I completely disown this post. It has been reproduced verbatim from piece of paper lying on the streets of Andheri. All legal disputes may thus be directed to the municipal corporation of Mumbai, if such an entity exists! :-)

Thanks to Sruthi for the budget data and being of help for the first time ever! :-)

And importantly, Happy Birthday Sandhya! :-)

'Genderal' Science

*Warning: This post contains few gross matter references. Reader discretion is advised. Children are requested not to seek parental guidance and damage their image as well as mine in the process*

Science stands for truth. Nothing is accepted without proof. Thus, speaking scientifically, political science is the best oxymoron known to mankind. A proof establishes new facts using already established facts. Like, Vijaya TR being the dad of Chimpu is an established fact [Source: Animal Planet]. Using this to establish the genetic similarities between a gorilla and chimpanzee is establishing new facts, which are increasingly more complex than the established facts. In short, this process is the sole cause of science text books being as voluminous as Vijaya TR himself. The resulting complexity makes science students wish that Newton had sat under a coconut tree instead.

Read on...

Proof was first stressed in the age of the kings in India. I am making this statement with a reasonable certainity since irrespective of whether we practice something or not, we always have ancient records which undoubtedly indicate that we were the pioneers. King Ashoka was the first to point out that war was indeed a bad thing, which he proved by making thousands of people shed blood. Pallavas proved that sea water is capable of eroding rocks by building temples along sea shores. There was thus a craze to prove anything and everything. One such proof was the gender proof. The members of a kingdom used to prove their gender to the king by going to his 'andhappuram'. The gender was determined by whether the person bent front or back for the king. This was the first ever case of gender test known to mankind.

The first gender test carried out on a global scale was in the 1960s during the Olympics, after reports reached the officials that Karan Johar was born. His/her birth made the officials realize that a middle path could be taken too. He/she opened up a new school of thought. So they started insisting on gender test to ensure fair participation in the games, especially in the women's category.

Initially, as part of gender test, the athletes were required to parade nude in front of a panel of gynecologists. This suddenly threw open a new job opportunity for millions of youngsters who realized that work could be fun. The boom of male gynecologists which started then is yet to subside, since SEX was etched in the minds of guys even before there was big bang [If you are a guy and thought this was something like gangbang, you are a potential gynecologist!]. The practice was discontinued after the news of the birth of a baby named Prakash in TamilNadu, which impregnated the delivery nurse, reached the Olympic officials.

Clinical tests which determined the chromosomes of the athlete soon came into the picture. However, the procedure was termed to be as accurate as the weather predictions of Chennai Meteorological department. When Karan Johar was certified to be male, women's welfare organization came to the rescue and filed a petition to withhold the results of such spurious tests. Trivia: Karan Johar took part in the 2000 Sydney Olympics Marathon and won the gold medal at the 2004 Athens Olympics Marathon, when he finally completed the event after numerous shittings on the way which shifted his priority from completing the event to getting the shit cleaned up soon, just like he does with his movies.

The IAAF was the first to stop this practice, not because it felt that it was humiliating, but because the athletes had to submit a urine test under close medical supervision; which means someone will stare over there when you pee into a glass, if only you manage to gather some pee under external pressure and let it go with sufficient internal pressure to satisfy the needs of the person who is probably holding the glass for you. The IOC stopped this practice after male gynecologists protested against the unnecessary use of technology which was unreliable and urged to get back to the old practice which was natural and ofcourse, a lot of fun.

The Olympics Council of Asia alone continues the practice because they think this is the coolest new thing which is in. Their records are so inaccurate that they still do not know that the process itself is inaccurate! They argue that without testing it is not possible to differentiate amongst the Chinese male and female who all have a flat nose and mostly flat everything else. Why not take gender tests as an eligibility criteria instead of making one famous and humiliating them? No, no, never, they there just for jetty....if everyhting happens according to logic, I would have to shut down this blog :)

Santhi Soundararajan was recently stripped of her silver medal in Doha Asian Games because she failed a gender test. The tests used latest technology of vethalai-la mai thadavarthu, which were far more accurate than the methods Arjun 'Sottai' Singh used to determine the percentage of backward caste people in the country. Santhi has so far been declared male twice and female once based on similar tests and the decision was based on a best of three basis. Since accuracy of the test is a concern, a best of five approach is being recommended by the Olympic Council for future games.

NDTV flashed the news as "India's Shame" because, in an attempt to deliver the news first to their viewers, it parsed the information so quickly that it interpreted "Santhi stripped of silver medal in Asian Games" as "Santhi stripped in Asian Games". With this authentic news it collected by advanced Chinese Whisper techniques, this is how they worked out their headlines: Strip = Nude = Puppy shame = India's shame. The quick work is all set to earn the channel the award for the best news channel in India for the year 2006.

The Government of India was unavailable for comment on the issue since they had much pressing issues like the performance of Indian cricket team in South Africa, deciding on the next hot chic after Sania to award the Padmashree etc to discuss in the assembly. Besides, India was already in a healthy situation with a total tally of 201 medals (in all Asian games put together, obviously) that one silver medal was going to make any difference at all. By telepathy, a far more reliable technique than gender tests, it was found that Dr. Mani Shankar Aiyer, our Sports Minister, was reflecting on his goals - to groom new talent, filter them based on looks and finally have a huggable product.

We the people of India, solemnly swear to nurture talent irrespective of caste [general category excluded], creed, religion, state and economic background [eligible if annual income > 3 lakhs] as long as you are a hot chic. If not, please apply for sports quota in IITs.

Disclaimer: Unless you are the person being accused, all these are facts. If you are being accused, you must know that the previous statement is false :)

Note: This marks my second anniversary in blogosphere. Chennai vandhu I have met bloggers on three occasions and this is my first blog :D

Lotsa topics to write on. But interest dhaan illa. To rejuvenate some interest in blogging I am gonna analyse my Google Adsense Revenues and optimize them, till I can find a better strategy :)

Hope you guys had a merry xmas!! Happy New Year adutha blog-la wisharaen! Tata :)

Finally, the man is back

Its time to rejoice for millions of Captain fans around the world and even those from the planet Kandravia Galactica, where scientists say they have found traces of the DNA that match Captain's. The man is back with his latest flick, Sudhesi, in which he obviously plays a cop.

The advertisements were flashed in all leading news papers in the country like Dinakaran and Thamizh Murasu announcing that Sudhesi, the most awaited film of the year (amongst wild boars) would hit the screens tommorow. The film must have been out much earlier, but people said that the theater owners were not willing to buy a Captain flick. What crap! Sources close to pravunplugged recently confirmed that the news was entirely false. They say that the actual reason was that the theaters did not have the proper infrastructure to screen his films, the screen was way too small and the projectors were not sturdy enough to run a Captain film, they collapsed in 3 micro seconds.

Sudhesi is rumoured to be a remake of Swadesh, with slight changes to suit Captain's image. Shahrukh played the role of a NASA scientist who returns back to his motherland after being fascinated by it. When the movie was proposed to be made with Captain in the lead, NASA threatened to soo (sue) the producer for denigrating its image. So Captain decided to play an Indian cop (the kalyana band-master dress which he is wearing in the poster is him in mufti) who returns to his hometown, Vandalur, which he finds to be infested by terrorists and vows o get rid of them. It is the first bi-lingual Captain film. The film is simultaneously being release in Telugu under the name 'Paradesi'. When asked how Captain managed to speak Telugu, the director says, "Tamil mattum ozhunga pesidaraara? Adhey maadhiri dhaan Telugu-um pesinaar".

Mother nature spat her rage all over the globe last year since she was in a really depressed mood and there was unfortunately no Captain flick to cheer her up. Terrorists started showing their ugly head in many parts too. All that will not happen this year, for our Captain is back! Yayy!! One person, however, who is in grave danger is the heroine of Sudhesi. After learning about Pratyuksha and Soundarya, the actress has asked for police protection.

It's been my long time aim to watch a Captain flick first day. Seriosuly, does anybody have tickets??? Please help me!! I badly need them

Update : I have uploaded another pic of Captain from today's papers. The page may thus load a lot slower owing to the 1.3GB size of a Captain pic. Sorry for the distarpance

The Bird Flu Bible

The detection of bird flu in India has caused great panic in many parts of the country, especially among those organisms which are apparently not birds, viz. humans. However, the birds, being the second most dim-witted creatures after George W Bush, bite the dust even before they realise that they need to panic. Thus, as an owner of a socially conscious blog, I have decided to write in detail about bird flu, so that fellow humans stop panicking and the birds realise that it's high time they start panicking.

Avian Influenza, which is better known as 'Bird Flu' among humans and simply as a 'Darned F*cking Cold' among the birds, is caused by a H5N1 Influenza virus. These sets of influenza viruses are incidentally part of an elite group of viruses that have names as dumb as those for U.S. visas. They are generally contained in the intestines of wild migratory birds, which use them as a lethal weapon when a domestic bird refuses to comply to the wild bird's demands of a one night stand. The wild birds live up to their name and go wild over the fact that they had travelled half the bloody globe just to be shown the middle claw by these desi birds. Hence, they pass on the H5N1 virus to the domestic birds which catch a really bad cold and sneeze so hard that the neighbouring domestic bird threatens it to either leave the farm or watch Aadi and Sivakasi back to back. As I said, being the second most dim-witted species on earth, they choose the latter and inevitably die.

The first case of bird flu was reported in China a year ago. It slowly spread to other species in China including snakes, squids, sea-horses, octopuses, crabs, monkeys, caterpillars, centipedes, millipedes, cockroaches etc etc, as a result of which one quarter of the Chineese population died of starvation. The Chineese birds were understandably the dumbest in their species since most of them were bound by the Imperial Decree, which explains why it all started there. (Trivia : The only non-Chineese to be bound by the Imperial Decree is George W Bush) From China, the disease spread to Thailand, Malaysia, Russia and other neighbouring nations except India where the migratory birds dare not set their claws since they heard Salman Khan was on a killing spree (one half of the casualties were shot dead by Salman himself and the other half died of disgust, watching the man topless for the 1754th time in two years). As soon as he was thrown into jail, the deer population threw a party with chants of 'Get a life, and a shirt, Salman!'. Tons of birds and animals, including Deve Gowda, attended the feast. It was during this time that a drunk wild bird approached to a desi chick for some fun, for which the desi bird said, "Saale, mein mar hee tho jaaon, par thumhare saath matter nahi karoonga" (Meaning : I'd rather watch a Karan Johar film instead of sleeping with you). Thus began the outbreak of bird flu in India.

Bird flu spreads at a rapid rate from one bird to another and is thus as fatal as watching a close-up shot of S.J. Suryah at midnight. The fatality rate for the former is however a meagre 90% in comparison to 100% for the latter. The virus spreads through the mucus and droppings of the infected bird and it is thus highly advised that these domestic birds form a Panchayat headed by a Naatamai and cage-a vittu othukki vechufy the infected birds or risk death. If the infected bird fails to comply, the Dubai technique of throwing stones is recommended. This process is widely known as 'cull-ing'. The humans, however, don't need to worry as long as they are not inquisitive enough to analyse bird droppings and mucus, or Japaneese enough to bite raw chicken.

The symptoms of bird flu are fever, cold and a severe running nose. If you become really really weak and end up saying, "What the bloody hell is wrong with me?!", it's time to see a doctor at the earliest. The doctor might advise you to take ECG, EEG, urine test, stool test, X-Ray of your right leg and a scan of your brain and analyse it greatly, by which time you might be dead. If you die, then the doctor confirms that you had an acute case of bird flu, or else it was just a bloody cold for which you had spent 25K like a nutter.

The Government is taking all necessary steps to contain the outbreak. As a first step, Salman has been released on bail. The deer population immediately announced a 'Fast until Death' protest in a remote forest area which was so remote that the Government din get to hear it. So they decided that it was better to return to their habitat and start grazing instead of trying to reach the ears of the Government past Manmohanji's turban-ed ears. Next, the authorities are culling the poultry in a 10km radius from the outbreak with special attention to those who attended the "Get a life, and a shirt, Salman!" party. The Parliament has banned chicken, turkey, duck and Laloo from the entering the Parliament. The Border Security Force has recommended huge cut-outs of Laloo to be placed along the Indian border in an attempt to scare away the even the wildest of birds. The RSS is pressurizing the Government to cancel all permissions given to latenight parties saying that it was the anti-cultural activities that caused the disease. They also hailed the chicken which said, "Saale, mein mar hee tho jaaon, par thumhare saath matter nahi karoonga" since it displayed a great deal of respect for our cultural values.

Down here in Tamil Nadu, all hospitals are on a high alert. The Chief Minister has also ordered that actor Ajith Kumar be quarantined because of his suspicious looks. There was little confusion over whether S.J.Suryah was affected, but that was clear after the actor showed his childhood photos and proved that he'd looked the same right from childhood.

So spread word guys. Please don't pan. . . *achoooo* *sniff*. . .ic.

Was with this really hawt chic named Asin yesterday. I doubt if hawt chics can cause bird flu as well. Why else would I be sneezing? :-)

Disclaimer : All names used are fictitious. Any resemblences to anybody living or dead are fictitious as well

Myth : Marana Mokkai

I strongly recommend the latest Jackie Chan flick Myth to all you guys. I do not wish to be the only person who spent sixty bucks on a movie whose script was written on toilet paper. So, before you read the review, swear on god that you'd watch it and spread word so that 'we' don't feel left out!

Read Review . . .

Jackie Chan films, with their blend of action and comedy, are usually a good timepass. This, coupled with the thought of Mallika Sharawat in clothing that would easily pass as a shoe lace, was compelling enough for a group of guys to watch the movie. But the moment we saw Jackie Chan on screen, dressed in a warrior costume that even Ramarajan would think twice before touching, we knew Mallika and her shoe lace were going to be the saving grace of the film.

Jackie Chan plays the role of an archeologist who has weird dreams of rescuing a Chineese princess. I am not sure what his name in the film was, but after having watched loads of his movies I can make a sensible guess that it was Jack or Lee or Ch_n, where _ represents a vowel. For the sake of my typing comfort I'll assume it was Lee. As I was saying, Lee rescues the princess with his heroic efforts in his dreamworld. There is a great scene in which Lee ties a falling carriage to his waist with a rope and tries to pull it back to save the princess. The princess could have just stepped down from the carriage, but she doesn not, since she is bound by the Imperial Decree. By the Imperial Decree, a Chineese princess must not get out of her carriage. By the Imperial Decree, she must not touch a General. By the Imperial Decree, she is dumb.

Lee is extremely disturbed by these dreams. Understandably so, coz they get to live in a dark cave and nothing fruitful has happened yet. So, he puts in extra hours of sleep and tries his best, but no use as yet. Probably the perfectly dumb Chineese princess doesn't know 'how to', he thinks, and tries sleeping again. No use. The princess was indeed perfect.

Now Lee is approached by his friend who was doing some research in levitation and he wanted some help on it. But Lee wouldn't budge. He just wants to sleep and keep trying. The friend manages to lure Lee into it with sentimental stuff that's characteristic of Tamil cinema. He lies face down on a golf course with the golf ball on his rear and says to Lee, "I will trust you with my life, please come". Lee is terribly touched by this statement and takes his shot. The screen blacks out. "Lee, am glad I did not lie face up", says the friend. So Lee and his friend go to India for their research where they see this temple in which a Sadhu floats in the air. The friend does something stupid in the temple (no, he's not a Chineese princess), digs out some weird stone and the Sadhu gets a free trip to heaven. The friend escapes in a helicopter while Lee jumps into the water.

Mallika and her elephant, Lakshmi, rescue Lee from the water. "Look Lakshmi, a body", screamed Mallika. I did not care to look at Lee's body (I am not a Chineese princess). So I don't know how exactly he was rescued, but he was. "Good boy Lakshmi", said Mallika patting the elephant. I knew deep inside how stupid the director was to refer to Lakshmi as a boy. But with Mallika in a wet saree, I wouldn complain even if Lakshmi ate Butter Naan and Paneer Butter Masala.

Lee's dream was not succesful as yet. He wakes up to find Mallika dancing in some skimpy white clothing and decides the dumb Chineese princess can wait. Mallika takes Lee to a sottai mandayan whose words are just not as plain as his head. Lee and Mallika suddenly spot two policemen and utilise the opportunity to run away from the sottai mandayan. There is a small fight sequence in which Mallika breaks the myth (padam paeru mention panniyaachu, ellam kai thattunga!) that she wears undergarments. The censor board official probably sneezed at the right moment and missed what I saw, but am glad he sneezed. Lee then takes this circular boat that is used in paasathukkuriya Bharatiraja films and travels all the way to China.

The dreams continue but the sequence then shifts to a battlefield in which the soldiers wore costumes that were used in Paalayathu Amman veppalai dance. I don't know what the battle was for, but they ought to have realised that they were probably using stuff which Mallika was supposed to wear. Lee dies at the end of the battle. An anticlimax.

Lee decides to find the princess and goes searching along with his friend. They reach a cave finally. Lee loathed being there, for he remembered his dream in which a dumb princess had outsmarted him. A bit further, they see a masouleum and a huge army of dead soldiers lined up in rows, levitated by the meteorite stone. A dead army? I realised now that there was no point blaming the princess. It was genetic.

Lee wants to take the princess back home. She had afterall told him that she'd wait for him all her life. But she refuses to come. So, Lee decides to make his move right away and starts stripping. This was expected. Just as Vijaya T.R compulsarily has a sister in all his movies, Jackie Chan includes two standard scenes in his movies - One, his underwear has a smiley or a teddy bear placed at a strategic position. Two, darshan of his rear. Thumbprint is common, but bumprint is used only by Jackie Chan. Chineese people have infact seen it so many times that they are capable of identifying Jackie Chan just by looking at it. So, as I was saying, Lee strips. His friend nondifies a meteorite yet again and everything that was up, now begins to fall! Lee curses him and is forced to run for his life. The cave collapses and the audience applaud in joy that the film is finally over.

Jackie Chan, who is known for his bravery, proves it yet again by investing millions of dollars in this film. He has fought really well in the film, but the audience fought a greater fight trying to remain seated.

Ippadi oru mattamaana padatha idhu varaikkum yaarum eduthathu illai, inimaelum yaaralum edukka mudiyaathu! Indha maadhiri mokkai padatha vechundu enga thalaivar Captain-oda Perarasu release panna theater illaya?? Thookungada indha padatha!

PS : Maramando Part II next post-la puttings :)

Sivakasi 'n' Maja - Review

Diwali signifies the triumph of good over bad. However, this year was an exception, for the world witnessed the release of four films, each of which was as good as Kris Srikkanth's Hindi.

Sivakasi : A film that must definitely be watched first day, first show, so that you can warn all your buddies at the earliest.

Majaa : One that had a director bold enough to make a movie without any story and fail.

Bambara Kannaley : With Srikanth in the lead, I was sure that the nearest theatre I had to visit would be 50 km away from my place. So skipped it, but ofcourse, the movie is bad.

Chidambarathil One Appasaamy : That was released worldwide on Jaya TV for dhrishti purposes.

Read Review . . .

Let us focus on the two main movies alone - Sivakasi and Maja. Both moviemakers made sure that once the movie started, all passages were sealed and screams of 'LET ME OUT' were not heard outside.

Hero
Sivakasai, as the trailor claims, has Ilayathalapathy Vijay in the most versatile role of 2005. Considering the greased banian and unbuttoned shirt that Vijay has been wearing since 2002, he walks away with the most 'versatile' actor award for the fourth consecutive year. He has played a variety of roles including five appearences as a mechanic cum rowdy, two as a car cleaner cum rowdy, seven as a workshop/welding shop owner cum rowdy and ten appearences as just a rowdy. The role did suit Vijay's mass image a lot.

When Vikram does an offbeat film, jintak colour dhothi (dubai dress) and a rolled handkerchief form an integral part of his costume. This film is no exception. Vikram does his role well but every other dialogue of his is punctuated by 'Majaa da' (Numerology stuff eh?) for some unknown reason.

Heroine
Asin is a babe and it's only possible for a dumbo to make her look less pretty. Perarasu does the job well. She has chosen both her roles with utmost care, keeping up her word ("I first see the script, my part in it and then the director while choosing my roles"). Her roles proved to be the 'teRning point' in the movie. Sooperabbu. They were as important as elephant sh*t.

Story and Screenplay stuff
Sivakasi is an outright masala film. There is a Pallakku Pandi who simply comes all the way from jail, shows his rear to Vijay and gets kicked. Next scene Vijay tells Asin that she is roaming around with just her undergarments in front of a hundred people. Asin is totally elated that he found out and also let the world know about it and falls in love with him. Vijay tells her now that he'll love her only if she sleeps with him. Asin is elated again and informs her brothers that they can find her at Vijay's house, just in case. Vijay feels very bad. He goes and beats up Asin's dad when Asin is missing. Now dad is elated with this quality of Vijay and urges Asin to marry him. Her brother's come and talk to Vijay and he hits them. Vijay is elated. So throughout the movie, everybody is elated, except the audience. Nobody, including Perarasu, knows how Sivakasi is going to behave in a scene. It's something like a split personality. Versatile role...yeah, makes sense now.

Majaa. A commission has been set up by the Film Institute of India to find the story in this film. More on it after the results are out.

Director
Both directors have been really bold. Shafi has been bold enough to take a movie without any story and Perarasu has been bold enough to show his face on screen.

Comedy
Perarasu deserves a pat on the back for not choosing a seperate comedy track for his movie. There is enough scope for the audience to laugh at any scene. The director has mastered the art of evoking laughter even in the really serious scenes, something that has till date only been achieved by Captain Vijaykant. Honestly, I've always believed that Vijay had a knack for comedy and he does well as expected.

Majaa is meant to be a full-length comedy film and it did will to a certain extent. Vadivelu and Pasupathy steal the show. It is definitely good timepass to watch them on screen. This is one of the positives of Majaa.

Songs
No song worth mentioning in both films. I felt "Iyarettu Naattu Kattai" from Majaa was kinda catchy, but nothing exceptional. Asin was the only reason I stayed in my seat.

I observe Vijay has recently been wearing dresses that were once used by our beloved Ramarajan (the king is making a come back. He is playing a cop in 'Dharman'. For the first time in Indian cinema, a cop wears a pink shirt and green pant. Releases next year I guess), accompanied by a Marilyn Monroe wig. Being an excellent dancer himself, I don't understand the efforts to make him appear funky. It doesn't suit him. I'll be glad to watch him in songs like "Thaamthakka Theemthakka" that does complete justice to his potential.

Perarasu is a great inspiration to lyricists. Many now have the feeling of, "ivaney ezhutharaaney, namma ezhuthina enna?"

Comments
The positive aspect of Sivakasi is the racy second half that tends to give an impression that the film was ok. The second half did not bore people to death. It was rather lively as compared to the first half and had lots of action. I fully understand that the movie was made with Vijay's fans in mind. But I am sure they are sane people too who can tolerate stuff only till a limit. This was stretching things a bit too far. And I hope Vijay doesn't become stale this early in his career. He still has a long way to go.

Majaa is definitely a good timepass. Better than Sivakasi, I feel coz I did not feel the movie drag me to death. Instead, it had enough ingredients to make you laugh and forget that there is no actual story in the movie. If you think back, however, it'll make you feel it was no better than Sivakasi, but bad in its own ways.

Verdict
Without using a technical yardstick for measurement . . .

Sivakasi : Pathetic first half. Ok second half. Kills your time.

Majaa : Ok timepass.

With incessant rains and floods preventing people from going to the theater to undergo torture, a month after Diwali we can celebrate the triumph of good over bad.

An SMS which my friend recieved . . .
Baby mosquito : Mom I am going to the theater.
Mother mosquito : Take care dear. People will clap hands, its risky.
Baby mosquito : Don't worry mummy, am just going for Sivakasi.

Kaun Banega Lakshmipathi

Blogosphere's 'hottest' ever game show!!

Hosted by Algitab Periyavan.

What is Kaun Banega Lakshmipati?
It's this big game show produced by Buddharth Basu with big prizes!

What do the winners get?
The winner gets to marry Lakshmi and thereby he becomes Lakshmi'pathi'. He/she may also choose any other equivalent prize like a free trip to hell, sitting next to SRK* in the bathtub etc etc.

Lakshmi? That Tamil Cine actress??
No no, not her. She got married only last month.

Adhu pona mosam. Am talking about this month...!
That's not possible. She exceeded the bound for number of legal marriages allowed. The IPC Section 969 does not permit more than 1,28,765 marriages in a calendar year.

So how do we enter the contest?
Every show will have ten participants who play the Biggest Tongue First challenge. The person with the longest tongue will move to the hot seat. To be fair to both genders, 99 cm will be subtracted from a woman's tongue length since they exceed the average tongue length of men by approximately that amount.

Hot seat? What's that?
That's where you'll sit and play the game in front of Algitab Periyavan. This one.

Oh! How long should we sit on it?
Till you win the game. That'd be five questions to answer correctly.

What do I win at each stage?
Initially the hot seat will be seat to 10,000 celsius. As you answer correctly the temperature will reduce to 5000, 2500, 1000, 500 and finally 0. That's when you'll complete the game and become a Lakshmipathi.

What if I answer wrong?
You will be made to run in the sun or in Chennai like Mudhalvan Arjun.

That's worse!! Do I get any help inbetween?
You have four lifelines to help you. 50:50, audience poll, phone a paradesi and flip.

What is 50:50?
The number of options to choose from will be halved and the temperature of the hotseat will be doubled by using this life line.

Oh!! What is audience poll?
You can ask the audience for help. But take care to ask questions which are only as tough as "What is Rishi Kapoor's surname?". Anything other than that is beyond the scope of the audience.

And what's Phone a Paradesi?
You can use this to call up your equally dumb friend and take his help. You have thirty seconds to read out your question. After that the line will get cut.

What about flip?
By using this lifeline you can change your question and at the same time flip your hotseat to sit more comfortably with the burner facing down.

What if I win and Lakshmi refuses to marry me after I win?
You will win one year free supply of Burnol to take care of your affected areas.

What if I don't make it to the hot seat?
Then you won't need Burnol.

No, I mean what do I get if I don't make it to the hot seat?
A cool butt.

I mean isn't there a Har Seat Hot Seat contest?
Oh that . . . you can play along with the participant using your computer. If you get the most questions right, you will get a chance to stand up and wave to the crowd.

And after that?
You have to sit down.

Isn't there any money involved?
Yeah, you can get as much as 2 crore rupees.

Hey that's cool. How?
Robbing a bank perhaps. You get 1 year imprisonment free with this scheme. Or google ad amukki this beggar boy-a panakkaram aakkalam. Please do the needful

So who all can play KBL?
Anybody who has watched Algitab Periyavan movies, refused to go to school during his/her childhood and has atleast nineteen such experiences to share during the show.

Disclaimer : Applying Burnol is the sole responsibility of the contestant and any such requests shall not be entertained.

Note : Guys, do you think this is good enough to be a series? If so, who do you want to see as the participant? If not, you may still say a few bad words in the comment box :-)

*SRK = Shahrukh Khan and NOT Sudhish

King or Queen?

Lux has completed 75 years in the industry and it seems to be celebrating it in style by roping in Shahrukh Khan for their latest ad. At first glance, I was excited hoping to see a babe in the bathtub filled with rose petals a la American Beauty. But it was Shahrukh saying, "I am going to reveal my beauty secret - LUX", with one those 'provoking' looks. I had every reason to believe Mani Shankar Aiyar would schedule an appointment with him next week.

In an era obsessed with equality of women, every woman achiever is proudly hailed for venturing into fields dominated by men. Here we have an exception on our hands. One man ventures into unexplored grounds viz. a bath tub filled with rose petals that had long been associated with babes like Hema Malini, Sridevi, Juhi Chawla and Ravi Krishna. King Khan stands out. Thank heavens he did not choose to do it literally and was complacent to remain seated in his bath tub. Shahrukh's long hair, which I believed was for some film, started making more sense now. Just that they had to advance the ad shooting by a couple of months.

Beauty has invariably been associated with the female gender. It is nice to see a babe sitting in the bath tub with froth covering the essential areas alone and a smooth soap sliding on her smoother skin. The entire thing has a nice feel to it. It is thus complete injustice to have Shahrukh in such an ad just because he has this smoothy skin, totally waxed chest, long hair and willingness to jump into a rosy bath tub. If at all there is a sequel planned, I just hope they don't make Shahrukh, dressed in his undergarments, dance in some waterfall. Or else he might, for all you know, be forced to lead the protest by Mumbai bar dancers against the government.

An ad targetting men generally needs to cover all the galeej aspects - dripping sweat, dirty clothes, bacteria underarm to name a few. Why this formula, nobody knows. Probably they try to portray men as active and hardworking and show the consequences of being so. All prodcuts meant for men are thus extremely strong, including the red Lifebuoy that was once believed to be used in the construction of Red Fort. Men stink, but are condemned to a worse fate with Lifebuoy and so they stink further while women use fragrant soaps. This unwritten rule was not followed by Medimix and Margo and they ran out faster than Sibiraj films. The Lux ad is thus seen as a breaker of barriers. But replacing this by rose petal filled bath tub? We prefer to stink!

If the trend continues, we might end up seeing a whole lot of innovative ads. Radhika might be roped in for Gillette Mach3 considering she has more facial hair than most men while Murali who speaks in a very low tone might endorse Whisper. Ravi Krishna will be benefited the most with offers from both sides.

The ad was thus clearly an attempt to lure in more men to use Lux. Probably the bathtub could not be done away with coz it held some sentimental value and Shahrukh was victimised. With such a repelling portrayal, they'll get just two new customers - Mani Shankar Aiyar and Shahrukh himself. It would have been a lot better if Shahrukh was applying soap to some babe in the frothy tub. That's targeting the audience!!

King Khan must definitely get out of that tub as soon as possible. Hopefully that happens behind the scenes.

Seven is big!

Me was tagged by Vikki to do this tag. People usually go beserk to learn they've been tagged. I try to make the other person repent for having tagged me ! Over build up-la? Summa dhaan. Okie here starts the vetti tag . . .

7 Things You Plan to do before u die

• Get a B.E. from Anna Univ
• Work in a big company
• Correct the figure in the neighbouring cabin
• Marry her, divorce her and move to another neighbouring figure
• Resign job when all neighbouring cabins visited
• Become MP citing above qualifications
• Vaasthu padi change the name of India

7 Things You Can Do

• Kiss Aishwarya Rai
• Hug Sania Mirza
• Date Sharapova
• Turn off the TV when it's Venus Vs Serena
• Play "natural game" ;-)
• Sing like Karthik, the actor
• Act like Karthik, the singer

7 Things You Cant Do

• Speak bad about Captain
• Watch the (tennis) ball in women's tennis
• Wash my jeans pant
• Watch late night movies with the volume turned on
• Apologise to Nila for biting her too hard
• Keep count of Dada's failures
• Look at TR and smile

7 things that attract you to the opposite sex

• Long hair
• Short tongue
• Left Eyebrow
• Right Eyelash
• Juicy lips
• Transparent dress &
• Sex!

7 things u say most (suitably censored wherever applicable)

• Loosu
• Saniyan
• Naaye
• Hair
• Sexual Intercouse
• Person having sexual intercouse
• Other things that are completely censored except in SJ Surya movies

7 celebrity crushes

• Sania Mirza
• Maria Sharapova
• Anna Kournikova
• Asin
• En range-ku vaera yaarum illa, so idhoda pass

PS : I also like Mango crush and Strawberry crush

7 People I tag

• Laloo Yadav - paruthikottai.com
• Kris Srikkanth - naturalgamekelocharubhai.com
• Captain - namadhuvijayakanth.com
• Simbhu - jettyjaya.com
• Amitabh Bachan - matajimeinamitabachanbolrahahoon.com
• Sania Mirza - praveensvalentine.com
• Sharapova - praveensmine.com

Note : Any questions regarding the truth of the above answers shall not be entertained. They are true to the best of my limited knowledge

And yeah, next time tag koduckkarchae chinna number-a kodunga pa! Seven is big!!

Captain Calls

Pic Courtesy : NamadhuVijaykanth

Captain Vijaykanth is reaching out to the masses in style. He has launched his official political website, namadhuvijayakanth.com The launch of the webpage shows Captain's complete sync with the current generation. Manasu alavula enga Captain-ku innum vayasaagala!!

Captain has gone for blood red, jet black and jaundice yellow combination for the colour of his party flag which I believe are his three favourite colours after seeing such huge overcoats in Narasimha. Red symblises the raw power of Captain's eyes, black hinting at our black gold Captain himself and yellow symbolises kindheartedness which Captains displays even to terrorists by advising them before they eventually die. The homepage has a hyperlink which proves to be an innovative addition to webpages. You realise after a couple of seconds that it does the function of the refresh button. So even if u don't have a refresh button in your browser u can keep seeing the same site again and again. Its the first browser independent site I believe.

The website features various sections about Captain. There is a "Captain Kural" section which might be Captain's enlightening census talk. I did not have the time to check it out since I had just 7 hrs spare time yest. A "News" section which contains updates about Captain's latest political moves is also a feature. Captain outhinks villains in his movies by following pigeons to terrorist hideouts. Lets wait and see if Captain maintains his brilliant strategic planning in politics too. Captain-in sevai, namakku thevai!! The "Photo Gallery" is a must check out! It contains huge pics of the 'political' Captain arranged in one long row. The pics may take some time if u want to save them on your comp coz they are huge, understandably so. Amazing resolution!

What caught my attention was a "Sales" section. I hope, I just hope that it auctions Captain's cine attires. His long and bright Narasimha overcoat, the exciting two layered Vanchinathan carnival glasses, bullets which Captain has caught between his teeth may all be auctioned to fetch some money to aid Captain's roll in politics.

So, what are you waiting for? Go right there. . . and ofcourse come back here share your thoughts! :-)

Vaazhga Thamizh. Valarga Captain!!

Note : Thanks to Mr. Narayanan for the link. And I've been editing this post constantly to praise Captain as much as possible. Puns are purely, totally and completely left to your perception! :-)

'Just is' ASAP

Aug 25th, 1973
A man files a case in a court accusing a shampoo company's product being excessively harsh on the hair thereby causing greying.

October 11, 2004
The judge hears the case and takes the mans look at the man's mandai which now resembles something close to reflectors on ECR due to excessive vacant space. He charges the man of lying and wasting the court's time, imposes a Rs. 1000 fine and dismisses the case. Not to mention, the shampoo company closed down a decade ago.

This court-ku one Gandhi photo, one blindfolded, saanja tharaasu needhi devadhai and 10 chairsu.

The incident, though entirely cooked up, is not a lot different from what happened recently. More than a year has passed since the release of S.J. Surya's NEW. Those of you who haven't seen it, please do check it out. The film completely lives up to its name by illustrating how a horrible movie can be made using a 'new' approach. If you manage to sit through the film, then I bet you are in there to watch Kiran!

Recently, this film was banned and its certification cancelled stating that it was excessively vulgar. All this one complete year after the film was released. Idhukku maela padatha ban panna enna pannatti enna? Loosa avanga?? This speed of operation surprises me.

I wouldn't at all be surprised if I read the follwing news items tommorow . . .

Thyagaraja Bagavadhar film Sri Valli banned
A local court today banned the 302 B.C. Bhagavadhar film because he sings "Meyaatha Maan" without a shirt which is corrupting corrupted the mind of T.R.Rajakumari. The film shall henceforth not be played on any of the channels. KTV which has bought the rights for this film and many other such latest films might be badly hit by this decision.

Permission to launch INSAT 1A denied
The Supreme Court has issued a stay that denies permission to launch the INSAT 1A after evidence produced by Nambungal Narayanan clearly indicated that its spelling is numerologically incorrect. This spelling is believed to adversely affect the the positon of planets in the solar system. If the launch is made under this name there are high chances that Pluto does a high jump to pass earth. Also, it is believed that the position of the fuel tank is not according to Vasthu norms.

Tsunami Banned
The Tsunami which caused the loss of thousands of lives in Tamil Nadu has been banned all over India. The court pointed out that since this was its first visit to India, it has been forgiven under section IPC 12B, Vadapalani to Foreshore Estate. The court also stipulated a norm that incase of a friendly visit, their height should not exceed 1 ft. Captain Vijaykanth has been included in the BSF and he now shoulders the extra responsibility of diverting them to Pakistan dheeviravaadhigal in case of emergency.

Disclaimer : The above events are purely fictional.

P.S. : All the fictional events state the facts :-)

Why? Why?? Why???

Surprising how a little break from blogging is hindering my thought process. I want to write, but I end up blank not knowing what to write and how to write. Looks like I have to turn a new leaf. I've been desperately trying to do so by figuring out a new template, but I reach something as stale as a topless Salman (may sound feminine, but I like to put it this way..). Guess you guys have to strain your eyes a little longer :-)

Without wasting much time, let me delve straight into the topic. At 00:00 hrs Aug 15, 1947, the whole of India was awake to smell the air of freedom. But for those who were awake at 00:00 hrs Aug 15, 2005, the television had just a couple of Shakeela movies to offer. Though that was an exaggeration, the actual scenario was not any better. The "special" programmes on TV sparsely talked about the values of freedom.

The best of the lot was "Actress Namitha", aired on KTV. Namitha and freedom can be a part of the same sentence only if it speaks about her dresses. Pondy Bazar platform-la vaangina 6 bommai poatta kerchieves are all she uses to cover herself up. I never bothered watching the programme, but I am sure it would have featured a couple of her dance numbers with Sharath Kumar, talked about her childhood, elaborated about her illustrious film career including her latest film which was released in Jothi theater and talked about what she would have been if she had not come to the cinema field. Sneha, Jayam Ravi, Vikram, Sandhya, Arya, Srikanth, Sonia Agarwal etc were the others who shared such exciting details about their careers. Lets see a few samples...I interrupt all questions with my words of wisdom

Interviewer : How was your childhood?
Me : Childhood childish-a dhaan irukkum, enna yezhavu kelvi idhu?!
Actress : When I was young, enku I loved Quantum Physics. I was really uncertain about this Heisenberg's principle though.
Me : Heisenberg himself was uncertain!

Interviewer : Has acting always been your passion?
Me : Yaen illa-na sonna kalari vida poriya??
Actor : Absolutely. I used to get inspired by the likes of Marlon Brando. Watching his films on home DVD was my favourite pastime during childhood.
Me : Home DVD 30 years ago? Appo unakku home-ey illa, idhula DVD vaeraya?

Interviewer : Hey can u sing a few lines for us?
Me : Kelambitaangayya kelambitaanayya!
Actress : Yaetho oru pattu en kaathil kaekkum....
Me : En kaathil eeyatha kaachi oothina maadhiri irukku!

Interviewer : What would you like to tell our viewers on this day?
Me : Independence day adhuvuma Shakeela padam paarka solli advice-a pannuvaanga?
Actor : Wish u all a Happy Independence Day.

Half of the day is filled with such enlightening interviews with actors, actresses, directors, producers, loghtboys, trolleyman, camera lens cleaners etc etc from the cine industry sharing their experiences with us and finally wishing us all a Happy Independence Day. The remnant time is filled with some "india tholaikatchigalil mudhal muraiyaaga" movie which has absolutely no relevance to the occassion it is being aired.

At this rate, we would witness something similar to the following in the near future...

"Gandhi Jayanthi-ai munneettu....India tholai katchigalil mudhal muraiyaaga....Thulluvatho Ilamai"

If Gandhi had been alive, he would have shot himself after mouthing an expletive.

I am not advocating an entirely freedom struggle oriented special telecast on any channel with all the freedom fighters speaking with their Congress thoppi about independence. I myself will change the channel! Television is afterall for business and things are bound to be entertainment oriented. But I fail to see the reason that even a flag hoisting ceremony done by Vikram? Why can't the channels survive without cinema? Can't two hours be dedicated to something related to the event out of the 16 hour line up? How does it concern me whether Trisha brushes her teeth or not?!

I am not blaming all the channels though. Vijay and Raj TV usually have atleast something related to the event, which I find really healthy. It would just be nice if all the channels have something of this sort. I am not basically into TV viewing. It's hopeless in its own special ways. Atleast for those who watch it, I sincerely hope they get something right into their head.

Happy Independence Day! :-)

Next Independence Day-la atleast I wish they show a Captain movie. Message illatiyum sandhoshama sirippaen

Many Hanker Mire

Indian Govt. trying its best to reduce oil prices!

Petroleum Minister or Minister of External Affairs? :-)

Consequence : Kokhila Ben is under immense pressure yet again as both Anil and Mukesh refuse to take over Reliance Petrochemicals!

Suggestion : Agreed all these are friendly gestures, but somebody's gotta tell this guy that he's got shiny skin and sparkling eyes...doesn't look all that good u see

P.S. : NOM to anybody, but idhellam remba over! :-)

Mama calling, stop there!

Travelling in Chennai has become an ordeal recently. The pollutants in air, especially in places like T.Nagar, make sure that your nasal cavity can no longer be called one. The cacaphony of the city gouges your ear drums good enough to make them bleed as much as you sweat in the sweltering heat ( Ya ya, its a widespread case of "Why blood? Same blood"). The traffic moves at a pace slower than your favouritest mega serials. The bumpy roads assure you that you travel a great deal along the Z Axis too. The list of hurdles is never ending.

When you travel bearing all the pains of the same, on your way, at a distance, you spot something. You wonder if that's perhaps a pillar in a Mahabalipuram temple. But it can't be, you are in the city. As you move closer, you see a glimmering STOP sign. "Oh, that something or someone seems like Captain Vijaykanth", you may think. You are on the right track..that's his colleague. Chennai City Traffic Policeman (CCTP...abbreviation-ku ellam kuraichal illa) who are endearingly addressed mama.

We definitely need to salute their effort to control the traffic. But at times, looking at them, you may believe that they are indeed the cause for the blockade. Policemen are recruited after several physical tests as everybody knows. I seriously do not know if running out of tape to measure the waistline is an important criterion. If not so, how mamas baloon up even under the hot sun is probably attributed to expansion of gasses at higher temperatures. A red pom-pom is the only missing ingredient to earn a part time job in Gemini circus. It sure is a pity that this is the image which conjures up in our mind when we think of our CCTP men. Unfortunately, facts are here to stay.

Mamas are very strict on the last ten days of the month. That's when their duty beckons them. Kadamai unarchi azhaikkum...due to lack of funds. If you are stopped by one on your way, unless you are a blood relative of both Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha, the mama gains some money. Since that is an impossibility, the mama always gains. A typical incident involving a mama would be . . .

Mama : Stop!
Man : *poachu da* Enna sir?
Mama : Licence irukka?
Man : *irundha mattum vidava pora?* Illa sir.
Mama : Va va, oaram kattu.
Man : *eppadiyum idha dhaan solla pora*
Mama : 500 rupees fine saar.
Man : *manasula rules ramanujam-nu nenappa?* Sir??
Mama : Aamampa Sergeant romba strictu.
Man : *avar dhaaney, nee illaye* Sir avalo kaasu illa sir.

Now mama uses the scratching technique to communicate. Till date only head and palm scratchings have been reported, but dunno what is in store for the future.

Mama : *scratching head*
Man : *munna pinna shampoo poattu kulicha dhaaney* Enna sir?
Mama : Enna saar puriyaatha maadhiri kaekkareenga?
Man : *puriyuthu da puriyuthu...aandaandukaalama idhey code word dhaana?* Kaasu illaye sir.
Mama : Irukkartha koduthuttu po pa.
Man : *free-a koduthu echi dhum kooda adippiye* Sir 25 dhaan irukku.
Mama : Enna saar neenga, ivalo costly bike vechuttu 25 dhaan irukka unga kitta?
Man : *unakku kodukkarthukkaga blank cheque-a vechu irupaanga. Vaangara lanjathukku logic vaera* Petrol poattutaen sir.
Mama : Seri seri, irukkartha kodunga.
Man : *seruppu irukku, adhaala kodukkava?* Indhaanga sir.
Mama : Oru vagai-la idhuvum nallathu dhaanga.
Man : *unakku nallathu, enakku?!* Eppadi?
Mama : Sergeant-na 500 rupees poattirupparu saar, edho neenga namma aalu-nu naan vidaraen.
Man : *aamama, enakkum unakkum poorva jenma bandham paaru* Thanks sir, romba nallavaru neenga.

So this is precisely how mama manages to maintain the cash inflow during month ends too and support his family.

Beware of mamas. Its not all that difficult especially when you just cannot miss spotting them. Stay away from mamas as much as possible.

Happy driving in Chennai! Cheers :-)

Doubtu : Why has Captain not yet played a traffic police in any film?

Banned!!

Click to enlarge

Scientist's say that the Indian Government's ban on smoking in films has reduced the impact of global warming a great deal. The ice caps are no longer melting at the rate they used to. The average temperature of Chennai has decreased from 1000 deg celsius to 998 deg celsius. The world is thus becoming greener, thanks to such revolutionary laws put forward by the Government.

The Government should thus seriously consider banning CFC Refrigerators, Sudarshana Homams, Ganapathy Homams, Pump-la "Thanni Adikkarthu" etc etc on these lines.

Issued in public interest by Praveen.

Me Tagged!

Have been lazing around ever since I got back from my vacation. I've just been roaming about buying gifts for a couple of people and feel rather numb. That's the reason why I am not able to sit in front of my PC and type something!

Earlier, I used to hunt for topics. Now I have topics in hand, but no mood to write! Simply-a old people tell Kalla kanda doggie missing, doggie irundha kal missing-nu?!

Anyways, I was tagged by Surusuruppu Sigamani, Vaira mookkuththi Visithra to do this thingy and so, here goes.....!

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
KP (K.Praveen short form!)
CP (Chinna Payyan short form!)
Chellam (College-la out of form!)

Conclooson : Endha paradesi-um en sondha paer vechu enna koopdarthu laethu.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
Rattlesnake (on ICQ)
Pappara Pappara Paein (on MSN)
Prav (Summa oru bandha short form)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
Right leg-la rightmost toe-la irukkara nail.
Adhukku pakkathu toenail.
And ulnaakku.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
Velinaakku
Ma...err..hair
Nose

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
Nanjai
1 acre nilam in each of the 18 patti.
Pumpset

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
Captain's eyes
Captain's smile
Captain

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
Pillow (Katti pudikka)
Bed (Kavunthu adichu kuppara padukka)
Air-conditioner (A/C room-laye poranthu valanthavan you see)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
I dinno this question was coming up. Badly dressed. So idhu pass.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
Solla maataen! Idhu ellam therinjukittu yaarum enna impress panna try pannatheengapa, already gals thullai thaangala :-)

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order)
Naan nallavan.
Naan romba nallavan.
Naan kettavan.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
Long hair
8 hands
Kai-la gadhai

Note : Enga amma-ku vara pora marumagal Mahalakshmi maadhiri irukkanumaam.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
Go to toilet
Flush
Get back and complete this

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING
Court Davali
Kanakku Pullai
Gumaastha

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
Moonu
Naalu
Anju

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE
Kutti Chaathan
Mayandi
Munima

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
Play mixed doubles tennis with Anna Kournkiova, Sharapova, Sania Mirza etc.
That's it god, am all urs then!

THREE(make that more!!) PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW
Open invite to all velai vetti illatha makkal like Curses, Krithika, Vani, etc. Summa busy-nu scene podaama ezhuthunga pa :-)

Ippo me escapes. Tata :-)