Celebrity Cricket League : Whattey!

While the Indian team was busy visiting moothra sandhu's in Australia & moochu thenara thenara adi vaangifying, BCCI called for a meeting of all jobless celebs from across the country. TN was represented by a 3 member team of Sarathkumar, Srikanth & Vikranth who have been relatively free since the birth of Jesus Christ. AP was going to send that Country Club Reddy fellow since all he does is pose for photo with his thumbs up, but had to send Venkatesh since Reddy was in a photo shoot. Karnataka sent some 20 stars, but none of them have reached the airport yet; they are believed to be still on their way. Kerala was a bit busy striking against a strike that was unsuccessful the previous week. Salman was supposed to represent Mumbai but was not allowed into the venue since the security guard did not recognize him in t-shirt. And the result of this crucial meeting is what we know as the Celebrity Cricket League.

The CCL had the ingredients required of success. One, cricket. If 'Watching Cricket' is not listed as a hobby in one's resume, it could result in cancellation of Indian citizenship. Two, cine stars. Nobody reads about Mother Teresa, but everybody loves to know about mother of Trisha. And mouth waterfalls are opened when heroines with open hair jump around waving flags, biting nails. [ FYI, grandmothers would call this 'dharidhram' or 'peedai' and blame you squarely for not providing a conducive atmosphere for Lakshmi to enter the house ]

But I was not too fond of it. Though the cricket was ok considering it was not being played by professionals, it was a little drab. You know. Like watching that flute Ramani play the flute on mute. [ FYI, this is called a TRhyme. New word. ] But it was not until the last two matches or something that I paid attention to the commentary. It was just legendary. If all the vaakkiyams spoken by commentators Mohan Ram, Balaji & Badava Gopi were sethukkified in Thanjavur kalvettu, sori naai would have lifted one leg and gone chuchu on it. Like I said, leg-undery.

Like many others, I live tweeted a lot of it. But did not like that it was buried somewhere. So what follows is purely a collection of the commentary I heard, mostly by legendary commentator Mohan Ram. Slight twist. What if Goundamani was the co-commentator?

Read On . . .

"Indha stadium la oru beautiful atmosphere, appadiye Adelaide maadhiri"
Dei parachute mandaiya. *slap* Adelaide-a munna pinna map-la paathirukkiya nee? Nee vaangara anjukkum paththukkum unakku indha vilambaram thevaiya?

"LBW na enna nu inga neraya paerukku theriyaathu. LBW na leg before wicket"
Pinna naanga mattum enna edhavathu ketta vaarthai na sonnom? Periya Vivekanandaru. Ivarukku therinja karuththa makkalukku parappuraaru, naaye!

"enna kaetta avar risk edukkama cricketing strokes aadarthu safe"
Dei. Ippo unna yaaru kaetta? Kai la mic kodutha enna vena pesiduviya nee? Ippo cricketing stroke aadunga, safe-umba. Appuram aanurai poattu aadunga, safe-umba. Yaenda imsai pannareenga?

"beautiful atmosphere. the crowd is going hunky dory"
Dei dori kanna. Edho rendu word manappadam pannitu vandhu film kaatariya? Indha dakaalti ellam en kitta venaam. Ozhunga pesu da!

"that is a beautiful flick, illa cut. eppadi vena sollalam"
Echa kala naai nu sollalama? Therila na therila nu sollu. Flick kum cut kum enna da sammandham parangikka mandaiya!

"Vishal face la paatheenga na oru innocent boyish smile...oru impish smile"
Yaen, studio la puli bommai pakkathula nikka vechu photo edukka poriya? DSLR vechirukkaran, tripod vechirukkaravan ellam photographer-aam. Ada naatula indha photographer tholla thaanga mudila pa.

"theriyatha neyargalukku sollaraen. wide ball-na leg side la pona adhu wide ball"
Ei. Stop. Makkale nalla kettukonga. Ippadi dhaan oorukulla romba paya thiriyaraan. Ball nalla neettama irundha adhu wide ball-mban. Indha ayogya payala nambatheenga.

"Sudheep is playing a brave innings here" [ Sudheep is on 2* ]
*slap* Rendu run adichathu brave innings na, oorukulla avan avan 99 century adichuttu thiriyaraan, adhellam enna da solluva?

"now Mohan Ram joins us in the commentary box. Avar senthamizh la periya expert"
Senthamizh la pesa inga enna pattimandrama nadatharaanga? Illa indha naai tholkaapiyatha mozhi peyarka pogutha? Aiyyayyayyo. Tensan, tensan, tensanappa!

"that is an agricultural shot"
*slap* unna ippadi ellam pesa solli yaar da solli kodukkara?

"they are singing hose-annas for Rishi"
Yaar avaru? Unna annar-a? Nee mudhal-la naan sollartha correcta repeat pannu: 'Pushpam azhagaga poothirundhathu'. Enga sollu paapom.

"Vishal vandhu namma Dhoni maadhiri"
Appo Dhoni enna unga chithappa maadhiriya? Narayana, indha kosu tholla thaanga mudila da, marundhu adichu kollunga da!

"actually paatheenga na, cricket la by-runner vechu odarthu romba kashtam"
Yaen nee odi paathiyaakum? Paradesi naaye. Romba pesina orey app-a appi puduven.

"adhu oru costly miss-a irukkum nu nenaikkaraen?"
Yaen andha miss-u cheap-a irundha vilaikku vaanga poriya?

"usually ball endha pakkam move aaguthu nu kandupudikka wicket keeper endha pakkam poraaru nu paakanum"
Dei. Andha naai daily somba thookittu vaaikaal pakkama pogum. Neeyum pona paakkalam.

"future-la indha event innum massive-a nadakkum. appadiye expand aagi hollywood heroes aaduvaanga nu naan ethir paakaraen"
Aama. America la Michael Jackson kooptaaha. Sappan la Jackie Chan kooptaha. Enna da color color-a reel vidara? Vettiya irukkara naalu naainga-la kooptu cricket aadittu, ennavo olymbic nadathara maadhiri build up kodukkaranya.

"oru clock-la eppadi ella mul-um correct velai seyyanumo, adhey maadhiri dhaan broadcasting. andha video room ku ponaen. wire-ellam appadiye katti vechirukkanga"
Aamam, avuthu vecha nee dhaan uruvittu poiduviye. Time paaka theriyaatha naai ellam gadigaaratha vechu analogy pesuthu da Narayana!

"umpires paatheenga na vellarikkai maadhiri cool-a irukkanga"
Yaen uppu molaga podi thadavi beach la vikka poriya? Nee kooda dhaan parangikkai maadhiri veengi poi irukka. Idhellam commentary-a da?

"indha tournament paatheenga na ICC rules padi dhaan aadarom"
Idhu ICC ku theriyuma? Appo ICC rules padi dhaan Namitha va andha pakkam sightscreen-a nikka vecheengalakkum?

"and he's a goner"
Periya British Governor General ivaru, puriyaatha English la mattum dhaan pesuvaaru. Komutti thalaya!

"I think this is a very important wicket"
Soringa officer. Nee I think pannadhu podhum. Poi annanukku oru tea sollu po naaye.

"Naan inga Saba Karim kitta kaettaen. Adhu out nu dhaan sonnaru"
Avan enna janadhibadhi-a? Kari kadai-la velai paatha naai-ku ellam cricket-a pathi enna da theriyum?

"according to ICC rules..."
Enna? Unna thookki poattu midhikkanuma?

"Run out kodukkareengalo illaiyo, kadaisi pandh-il run illai. Chennai Rhinos vendru vittargal" [ When it was 1 run to tie and a run out was being referred to the third umpire ]
Nee sonna indha vaakkiyatha Thanjavur kalvettu la sedhukki vechuttu adhu pakkathulaye okkandhukka. Unakku pinnadi vara sandhadhigal, adha paathu padichu thelivu adainjuppanga

"Chennai vendru vittargal. emotional scenes. Vishal stadium-ai suthi vandhu, kai koopi, kai yendhi..."
Pichai edukkaraar-a? Appadi edutha dhaan nee pichai poda poriya? Un pocket la irukkara naalna ku unna ulla vittadhe thappu. Odi poidu.

There stops my memory & there ends my effort to archive this pokkisham. If you know any more commentary means, pliss to share. If world is destroyed and blogger server is excavated by some future species, I want them to know about CCL & Mohan Ram. [ Note to Future: Hey future species, Mohan Ram could be your dad. Ask mom. ]

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr.Mohan Ram and his ghoshti for making CCL an entertaining event. I read some one saying that Bharat Ratna should only be awarded to people who do things beyond their paying jobs. I hereby extend my fullest support to recommend Mr.Mohan Ram for the award. If Ratna is not possible, atleast some Bharat Pithalai or something should be given. Idha pathi naan Home Minister kitta pesaraen!

CCL. Well, I don't care if they do this to all sports as long the commentary is by Mohan Ram. Like you know, Celebrity Chess League, "Andha kudhirai egiri guthithu L-shape-il sendrathu"

But I would like to summarize CCL using one of the most irritating viral thingies that has been polluting my FB feed. Simply. Because being the irritator feels good.




Okbye!

PS: Mohan Ram has a blog. mohanramanmuses @ blogspot. Check out. Killer header image :P

2011 - Year in Mokkais

Yo boys. I am write blog. Mokka blog.

As I write this, India is mukking in Aus. 11 paeru. Moochu thenara thenara adikkaranunga. Mokka start to 2012. Mokka ending also predicted by Mayans. Gods are probably talking about it.

Shiva: Dei Vishnu
Vishnu: Yes mama
Shiva: I am only destroyer no?
Vishnu: Yes mama
Shiva: Then why you need Kalki avatharam? Sit simply.
Vishnu: 10 is very round number da. They took movie also with that name. So I will wonly take off da.
Shiva: Ok po, when you are taking da?
Vishnu: This year only, I think.
Shiva: What?? This year-a? Have you taken birth and all?
Vishnu: Yes da
Shiva: Adapaavi. Who?
Vishnu: Sachin da. People also know. They call me God.
Shiva: Semma. Destroy off today then. Very tiring, this job.
Vishnu: Pls machi. Innum orey oru century adichuttu...
Shiva: Aiyo, bleddy fellow, what is it with you and round numbers? I give you till end of year ok? If not I will destroy off.
Vishnu: Nanbaen da!

Ok mama. Now tune change-u. Small size mokkais about last year-u. Mostly english-u.

Ready. 1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. !

Gautham Menon released Nadunisi Naaigal without any BGM. Also without any story, screenplay and direction.

Captain caused confusion after a newspaper quoted him as saying, "Raja sould be arrusted for causing loss to the eggs checker". He supposedly meant exchequer.

Raja was arrested and sent to Tihar. Took offence when the jailor tried to console him saying, "(h)otha hai".

Animal Planet acquired 50% stake in Kural TV. TR released the Afro music that has since been scientifically proven to turn on a female hippopotamus.

India won the cricket world cup after 28 years. Indians were overjoyed that there will be no more Hindi interviews of Kris Srikkanth describing the catch which Kapil pakda for Richards out karne ka.

Sachin was spotted outside TASMAC with RC & water packet after he overheard Sreesanth speaking to his mom, "Enda amme, totally rendu world cup medal kitti"

Kalmadi was asked to organize the Common Wealth Games, and was arrested for taking it in the literal sense.

Before killing Osama, the NAVY SEALS asked him, 'Do you have a last wish you mother f*****?' He replied, 'Yes, kill me before RA.One is released'.

Jaya became CM. Praised Anna naamam & MGR naamam. Iyengars confused.

Inflation was a major issue. Especially for Thala Ajith.

When asked if he does any homework to practice his expressions, Cheran revealed that he does not go two bathroom during the entire shooting schedule.

Kalimozhi sent to Tihar. A visibly happy Raja called the jailor and told him, "(h)otha hai".

Jaya wrote 18923 letters to PM in 3 months. Not sure if they contained 'Will you have fraanship with me?' messages.

Amar Singh tried out phone sex. There was a leak and the world came to know. Pun unintended.

Farmers in UP protested that they could not live on Rs.32/day if Rahul Gandhi ate their dinner every night.

Vaughan suspected that Laxman used vaseline on his bat. Could be true or false depending on what bat he was talking about.

Troubled by Suriya's constant thoppai exposure, people suggested that BCCI send him on overseas tours to provide a flat track.

Tamil cinema got a vidi velli - Power Star Dr.Srinivsasan. He looks like shaving panna TR, that is, some one who justu missed two million years of evolootion.

There was an all India meeting to discuss why Prashanth was still acting in movies.

Gayle to WICB, "Guys, I am finally in awesome form, lets become great team!" WICB to Gayle, "Fack, you are dropped!"

Jaya announced that 250 public toilets opened by DMK will be converted to Urine Test Labs for the poor.

RA.One released. Manmohan speechless.

Sagarika Ghose conducted a interview with BabyB minutes before it was born. Later clarified that uterus cam and all was a technical glitch.

Burkha Dutt stuffed a mic in BabyB's mouth and asked how it felt. Later apologised for being naive.

Arnab Goswami questioned BabyB over the telephone and also answered on its behalf. BabyB cried and hung up.

Undiscolosed sources revealed that BabyB is currently taller than Suriya by a few inches.

Indian Kabbadi world champion team goes back home by rickshaw. Govt confessed that they were unaware of the event and thought it was Ghilli climax scene shooting for a Hindi remake.

10 Indians applied for Pakistan citizenship after they were harassed by the "Every Indian must read this" messages on Facebook.

Google search for "Vidya Balan hot" used to return images of her with an iron box. Naseeruddin Shah replaced the iron box.

Vidya Balan went to skin doctor for some treatment. Doctor told, 'It's ok ma, no need to show, yesterday only I saw in night show'.

Every one who has completed saralivarisai came up with a Kolaveri video.

Sharad Pawar slapped hard. Doctors confirm that it is a medical miracle that his face is still distorted.

TR danced topless in African forest. The term 'flash mob' was coined.

Godrej agreed to sponsor a saavi koththu for STR's kaakavalippu problem after seeing his love anthem.

Poonam Pandey offered to strip if Sachin scored his 100th ton. Sachin said, 'Podi Pandey', and later admitted to making a typo while speaking.

Kapil Sibal wanted Facebook to hire people to manually read through every single update posted. Somebody needs to tell him that all IT employees do this only.

PM visited Chennai to accept Jaya's fraanship request and collect any letters that have not been posted yet.

Captain was arrested for waving a black flag when PM visited Chennai. He was released after he clarified that he was actually drying his komanam.

After finding out that Power Star Dr.Srinivsan is in Chennai, Thane puyal thaane diverted itself to Cudallore.

Jodhida Megamani Lion K.Paarangal told Sachin that Sani is vakram-ly looking at him after peyarchi. So he has suggested that Sachin ethify nei vilakku in nearest Sani temple, and write 'Sachin 99+1' with kari on the wall.

Anna Hazare went without food for several days for a Lokpal Bill. Hence became the #2 Googled person in India, behind only Katrina Kaif, who released Chikni Chameli.

Poonam Pandey announced that she will strip for the New Year bash. Kapil Sibal confirms that she has nothing significant to censor.

AND

Happy New Year! =)

PS: Don't make resolution and all this year. Ulagam azhiya poguthu. Open the bottle!

Kodi Vilayaadu Paapa

We have had a fair share of KBC variants in Tamil. It all began with the dubbed version of Amitabh's KBC. But it was discontinuted after some one pissed Amitabh off by asking why he was speaking Tamil in Nizhalgal Ravi's voice. For the uninitiated, Nizhalgal Ravi is the guy who comes on TV to sell land in areas expected to develop by 3000 AD. Mahavatar Babaji is the only investor who could potentially benefit from such a bargain. Anyways, the difference in stature of these two was so big that Amitabh had every right to be pissed. If Amitabh is like the guy travelling in his BMW on an eight lane highway @ 200kmph, Nizhalgal Ravi is like the guy who sells that yellow towel / multi-colour duster when cars stop at traffic signals.

Then there was this non-dubbed version by Sarath Kumar which never really took off. Sarath typically started the show with a "Naan reddy, neenga reddy-a?", thinking that would be some kind of a style statement. But it only caused confusions. People assumed only Reddy's could apply, while the Reddy's never applied because they could make more money in the same time by selling granite. Disappointed Sarath quit, joined politics and vowed that he will not become CM for more than two terms even if people insisted. Apparently they have not even insisted once yet.

Continue Reading . . .

SRK's KBC also did not last long. He appeared on show with one small kudumi, like one vedam reading brahmana boy. DMK told Vijay TV to only allow participants whose names ended with 'nidhi'or 'giri'. Vijay TV tried explaining that in a dubbed program, they can only change the voice and not the participant. But DMK members who are so used to these kind of hoardings, cried foul. SRK thus quit and went on to make his dream project..titled some Ra.One or Ra.Pichai or something like that.

And now, the big show is back on TV! The ad is being telecast 873 times in a day, beating the previous record held by Sun Pictures' Vettaikaran trailer. And the host... Suriya - son of Sivakumar, brother of Karthi, father of Diya and husband of Jothika. Pardon the rather elaborate introduction. But they come as a package. You buy one means, you get the other four free. So it is quite possible that you will see all five of them sitting around Computer ji in the show.

There are some teasers that show Suriya dressed in a suit and walking like a guy who has just appplied itch guard between his legs. Was not too impressed. I think Vijay TV would do better to tweak the show keeping in mind Surya's image. Below are a few things that might work.

Costume
Making Suriya wear a blazer is like making Sunny Leone wear madisar. Sacrilegious. So, like the popular jannal vecha jackets, there must be one cutting done to reveal the six packs. THE six packs that made even Anna Hazare so jealous that he goes on a GM diet every few months. Sample costume below!



Advertisements
No commercial breaks! All ads could be projected during the programme itself, right onto the six pack... thanks to the innovative costume! You know, like, "Guys, need a flat stomach? Contact 12345" or "Gals, need implants for a chest as flat? Contact 12345" written on Surya's tummy? Here's what it could look like on the show..



You could also follow the same approach for the sms thingy to get people involved, or even get ads for a social cause!

Seating
The host seat was actually designed with Amitabh in mind. So asking Suriya to get on it is a tall ask! So I have designed (& patented) a seat that works...



Lifelines
1. Family Poll (sample) : Anyone from Suriya's family, including onnu vitta mama's and all can vote.
2. Phone Sivakumar : Participant is allowed 30mins to get the answer. Ear plugs available on request.
3. Aspirin / Anjol Aluppu Marundhu : To deal with the fatigue of talking to Suriya family. Included on humanitarian grounds.

Sample Questions
There MUST be a generous amount of Suriya related questions so that there is better family viewership of the programme. Suriya family's viewership, that is. So here are few that could work...

Who choreographed the song Engenge Engenge from Nerukku Ner?
A. PT Usha
B. Milka Singh
C. Usain Bolt
D. None of the above. They kept running because there was a street dog during the shoot.

What does Suriya do when he sees the villain sexually abusing a girl in Ayan?
A. Beats him, he is the hero.. duh!
B. Enjoys the music in the club
C. Takes a video of it so that he can prove to the girl's dad that the villain is a bad guy
D. Both B & C

In 7am Arivu, why does Dong Lee tilt his head throughout the movie?
A. So that he appears shorter than Suriya
B. He had sulukku. The Iodex he bought from China was fake.
C. Hypnotism means like that wonly
D. He was playing Saanjadu Amma Saanjadu

Why does Suriya tell Jothika "Nee thottadhu edhayum naan thoda maataen" in the Sunrise ad?
A. Jothika aathula illa. Theettu.
B. She is currently cheetangol
C. S.Kozhuppu
D. So that one million people can say awwww for no real reason

Will such genuine sections be a part of the show? We'll have to wait and watch!

P.S. : Trying to remember when I became 'anti-Suriya'. Used to like him a lot during the Pithamagan days. I find his movies ok once in a while, but unable to tolerate him & his family in any stage show! Mosquito problem! :-S

P.P.S.: I have had a few people email me asking if I would ever blog (flattered!)...TRYING to revive the blog. Have no idea how long this would continue, but will try! In case any of you old-timers still around, howdy? :-)

P.P.P.S: This day, 2004, was when I started blogging! If I am allowed to say, this marks the seventh anniversary of my dormant blog! Yayy! :-D

Cheers!

Kandasaamy : The Kappi Crusader

Kandasaamy is an epic of the 21st century, comparable to the Mahabharatha. If the latter tells you how not to live life, the former tells you how not to make a movie. Thanfully, Susi Ganesan did not use Pillaiyar to write the script. Pillaiyar kovathula thandhatha pudungi kanna kuththi vitturupaar!

Even if the unit spent the two years of production playing dikkilona and jalabalajals, they could have come out with a nice bit movie which could have released in Parangimalai Jothi and done good business. But Kalaipuli Thanu pumped in so much money that Susi started to write a serious movie. That's when it went wrong.

Spoiler Alert : If you have already seen Sivaji, Anniyan, Gentleman and Batman Begins, there is nothing I can spoil for you. If you haven't, I still cannot spoil it as much as Susi. So summa koocha padaama padinga.

Kokkarako Gummango... [Cock-talk for Read Review]

Kandasaamy has a very innovative concept of pudungifying black money from the rich and distributing it to the needy. India-laye, yaen indha world-laye indha concept-a yoschathu rendey paer dhaan - onnu GD Naidu, innonnu namma Susi Ganesan. Bodhi marathadi-la okkandha gnanam varum, but bethi-kaaga marathadi-la okkandha indha maadhri kadhai dhaan varum. A stale story can still be interesting with some slick screenplay. It could have been a fast paced 150 minute entertainer at best. But at 200 minutes, one wonders if Susi's payment was based on the length of film reel used. Like oru mozham paththu roobai or something. I am sure Thanu would have got better returns if he had bought Malli Poo! ;-)

People write their wishes on a piece of paper and tie it to a temple tree. Their wishes get fulfilled, supposedly by God himself. Anga dhaan director oru twist-a vechaar. It is actually the Kappi Crusader Kandasaamy who fulfills their wishes! There is also a CBI Aapesar Kandasaamy who raids big shots who have black money. Police Aapeesar [Prabhu] smells something fishy. There are a few villains who are after the CBI aapesar. There is one figure who is daughter of a villain and sets out for revenge, but unexpectedly falls in love. Please connect the dots and make your own ettu pulli kolam.

Vikram has tried out his luck with fancy dress after Kamal in Dasa. Grapevine has it that whenever Susi's kid would cry and not eat food, Susi would instruct the make-up man to do something new to Vikram. To kanakku kaamchufy for make-up money spent, they shot that look and put it in the movie. You would have expected better role selection from Vikram. But I don't blame him entirely. He must have fallen asleep mid-way while Susi narrated the story.

Tamil Cinema's first superhero will be remembered for long. The costume has been localized to suit the Tamil kalaacharam. Jetty goes back inside the pant fearing objection from Ramadas. The intro is one of a kind. Vikram comes flying around with the superhero jamakaalam tied behind his back. His hair looks like somebody has poured kaara kuzhambu on it. But closer inspection reveals that they are all cock (seval) feathers. While intimidating the bad guy he also does some cock-like (seval) mannerisms, along with a kokkarakko. There is a rap song for which I have not figured out the lyrics, but his hand gestures kinda sync with the very famous "Oh pillar, caterpillar" song which would be a sure hit with the girls. After 15 mins of flying around, cocking and singing, the audience wait with bated breath, for the interval.

It is said that good things come in small packages. But this one came in small dresses. Shriya. Her haircut helped show more of her back, and ofcourse there never was too much hair on the front anyways! There was only one scene where she was fully covered, but even that she tears during the scene. Brilliant characterization. Director touch pannitaar. It is well known that for her acting prowess, she needs multiple takes to show (emotions) well. Every time the director said "Cut", the costume person seems to have misunderstood and cut a portion of her dress. But yeah, we are glad about the misunderstanding.

The romance track is a comedy piece. During a raid at Aashish Vidyarthi's house, Vikram picks up a call. It is the villain's daughter Shriya who gives Vikram a website to visit if he wants to see her dance on webcast! Ippadi patta raid ellam irukkum therinja naan kooda CBI join panniruppaen, sigh. Before seeing the dance, Vikram dutifully finishes the raid which leaves Aashish Vidyarthi with a twisted face (more than the usual level). Shriya decides to make Vikram fall in love with her to take revenge! Adada, idhallavo revenge! They do not love each other for most part of the film. But they will go to each foreign location, drink coffee, sing song, dance and come back. Dei director, ivanga enna Karagaata troup-a oor oor-a poi aaditu, kaapi-thanni kudichuttu vara...appadinu logical-a questions varum. But Shriya's costumes, or the lack of it, rob the audience of the dhum opporunity.

Susi has been very particular about logic. He explains in excruciating detail how superhero stunts are performed with the help of ropes, choreographed by his friends. The friends bring a tape-recorder for BGM and even stuff for smoke effects. But when they showed a cock (seval) in their hideout which Kandasamy looks at to learn the mannerisms...shabba...sekaru sethutaan. Shakunthala Devi puzzles-la kooda ivalo logic thevai padaathu. They've tried out something like Batman, but ended up with a Pokiriman.

There are three villains. Aashish Vidyarthi plays PPP, and does justice to the character name by keeping his face constipated. Then there is a don called Mexican Pichumani [played by magician Alex!] who put Marlon Brando to shame with his amazing dialogue delivery - "Sekoority illama engayum pova koodathu", "Indha panatha bang-la podalam. Andha bang manager en friend dhaan" to quote a few. Mexican accent I guess. The third guy, Rajmohan, does a pole dance during the climax in mundaabaniyan and pattapatti undraayar. Among others, there is one head of CBI who speaks Tamil as though he is onnu vita cousin of Thatha Naharkar of Junoon fame. Susi Ganesan does a cameo - a pivotal role of a person who takes photographs of Mexico on his iPhone. Padayappa-la paambu eppadi oru turning point-o, adhey maari dhaan namma Susi role indha padathula. Indispensable. The only mistake in the casting department was naming Shriya as Subbalakshmi and giving her costumes of Jothilakshmi.

The movie is a collection of incoherent scenes with the editor doing his best to ensure this. CBI aapesar will suddenly go raid. Kappi Crusader will suddenly start cocking in front of a bad guy. Villain will suddenly decide that he needs to do matter. Shriya will suddenly decide to she needs to sing a sexy song. Pichumani will suddenly decide to do Billa don walk. Vadivelu will suddenly decide to put one mokkai. Hero will suddenly decide to get preachy and throw some statistics to villain who is standing in jetty. Like this wonly full movie. To bear all this for three and half hours, oru miga periya mana dheiriyam is required.

The re-recording was one nice aspect. Devi Sri Prasad did a good job with that and compensated for allowing Vikram to talk in all the songs. Vikram-ku pitching problems neraya. Neraya notes are orey flat. Voice-la throw seri illa. Innum nalla practice pannanum. Sruthi set aagala. Sruthi-oda akka-va vena try panni paakalam.

Cinematography is very mangalagaram. Ekambaram was warned by Sivagami Computers that he has gandam in all colors except yellow. All characters look equally jaundiced. I think while deciding on what to use for Mexico, he watched the Salma Hayek matter scene in Desparado and decided that everything in Latin America should be of that tinge only. Water, grass, people, everything. Mexico-la ellarum manja thechu kulipaanga-nu yaaro avarukku thappa informesan koduthirukkanga paavam. Very mangalagaramaana cameraman. All the scenes in Mexico have been shot in one open (yellow) grassland. For this why Mexico? Nonsense fellow.

Susi has donned many hats for this film...though none of them turned out useful. Susi the actor offers some solace to the audience...it helps to know the face of the person you are scolding in bad words. The powerful script writer in him has made heads turn across the globe. Sun Microsystems issued a notice banning Susi from writing any script in future, including javascript. The Human Rights Commission is planning a mass campaign with Susi's pic and a message - "Inime pena la kai vecha, mudhal dead body nee dhaan". He has also been extremely compassionate as a story-teller. For the benefit of heart patients and pregnant women he has ensured that the most nail-biting moment in the movie is the curiosity that builds up if Vikram will succeed in getting the cock (seval) body-language. He has also cleverly used slo-mos throughout the movie. So if at all you fall asleep, when you wake up you'll still watch the same scene. Total hollywood level thinking.

Overall, with few things right and most things wrong, the biggest release of this year is a disappointing attempt at commercial cinema. To pump in crores of money in this movie which took two years to produce, one has to be an utter dummy piece. It is high time Kalaipuli changes his name to Kaipulla Thanu.

I am glad I did not have to buy tickets for this movie! Thanks to Hamsini for the oasi tickets :-D.

The only good thing about the movie is that it made me put a big mokkai post after a year! Susi Ganesan vaazhga!

Dasavatharam: Review

Phew! The wait is finally over! I watched Dasavatharam by paying 285 bucks for a ticket! I thought I will have one complimentary vellakari and one complimentary karuppi on either side for this price. But they just gave me one cushioned seat to park my ass. Bleddy inflason!

The hype was phenomenal. Especially after I heard that Kalaignar kissed Kamal after watching the movie! Kamalukkae muththam-a?! First of its kind, truly!

Now most importantly.. was I entertained?? Yup, surely. And would I like to be entertained again? Hmmm...May be not, unless I am given those compliments I expected! :D

Read Review . . .

Dasavatharam had an interesting concept which appealed to me - the chaos theory. No, wait, it's not the usual "chaos" aka "confusion" you associate with a Kamal movie! :D This one's about how one small event can get related to a series of other events; like in the movie "Crash". I see it as a smart ploy by Kamal to use this since there is probably no better way to make the characters converge. A film with an actor in ten roles is no joke. It is meant to celebrate the actor more than the tale and this did not come as a surprise to me. I have nothing to complain about a wafer-thin story line which puts off critics of 'pure cinema', the one's who've always held Kamal in high regard for his movies. But come on, the guy needs to make money too..he's not around to serve humanity :)

The film has overcome many hurdles. The most atrocious - "Kamal stole the story from me" is what some arbit fellow claimed and they went to court. When the judge took a look at both the stories (empty A4 sheets) he dimissed the case and used the A4 sheets to write Sriramajayam and tie it in Alwarpet Anjaneyar kovil tree. Story thirudittan, story thirudittan-nu koovina andha dog-a if me see, tongue plucking question ask: what story? where story? Bleddy fellow.

The 'story' revolves around a bio-weapon which scientist Govindarajan (PS: All characters unless and until mentioned are Kamal!) invents and some evil fellows try to put it to wrong use for money. Govindarajan tries to stop them and this results in a fast-paced turn of events within which many of the ten characters are woven nicely, and a few seem to be just there, staring at you. That's Dasavatharam for you. A good entertainer.

I may sound cliched if I say that Kamal has done a brilliant job portraying the ten characters. I think there can be no second opinion about it. The effort he has taken to showcase their body languages and accents is simply stunning. The body language of Krishnaveni Paatti and the Kung-fu master were top-notch. Dialogue delivery of Poovaragan, Nambi and my favourite Balram Naidu were clinical. If you are keen on celebrating Kamal Hassan, there is and if I may say, there will never be a better film for you. Just go watch it as many times as you want!

Two things which disappointed me about the ten avatars. One, their characterization lacked depth. The roles just had spell-binding acting, but not a single one in my opinion made me 'feel with the character'. Nambi and Poovaragan came close but that's about it. I also expected that the characters would be based on some theme, like the navarasas were portrayed in Navarathri, but that was not there. Two, the make-up. It was brilliant to see that all the ten characters looked different. But is a poochandi mask on the face compulsory? Maybe if it's a fancy dress competition, yes. But we want the guy to be able to emote well. Though Kamal still does a good job with emotions, that's his brilliance, we might have got a better result if they had not been obsessed with make-up!

The screenplay was decent. There were bright spots as well as duds. The film moves at a good speed which is its biggest plus but there were far too many disgressions - evils of dealing with too many characters! The main plot is a typical hero villain-chase with Fletcher chasing Govindarajan for the weapon. And there are subplots for the other characters who happen to get involved in the chase and Kamal does a good job connecting these subplots in simple, nice ways. It is not classy treatment, but something appreciable for sure considering this is commercial cinema! At the same time, in certain cases, like Dr. Sethu's (he's not Kamal!) death, there was no reason. The overall scheme of things look chaotic to me. The racy narration will appeal to the audience, but the disgressions and their connection may not appeal as much to the mass.

The first half hour of the movie had just too much English and infact had Tamil subtitles! Now, you are making a commercial cinema targeting the mass. You board a train when it is racing past a checkpost. When you jump from a bridge you always land on a nice cosy vehicle below. When Manmohan Singh (he's not Kamal!) and George Bush are listening to your speech (no translators), you speak in "sanga tamizh". Do we care? No, we don't! So please dub the first portion in Tamil and re-release, we won't mind :)

The 12th century scenes were the most interesting part of the movie. Nambi was really majestic and portrayed a lot of different emotions during his brief appearance. Napolean (not Kamal) tried his best to speak Tamil, aana paavam he can at best say "Chozha Saamrajyam" as "Sola Seraton". Fletcher was too Terminatorish for my liking, but he had style. Naidu, the cop, was top class especially when he says "Aathankavaathi", ultimate! The screen was so full of Kamal that I had intelligent questions like "Andha kutti koranga nadichathu Kamal-a?" and "Oru velai climax twist-la indha perumal bommai will reveal itself and say Naanum Kamal dhaan. Ivalo naal Perumal veshathula irundhaen a la Thillu Mullu climax?" Avtar Singh was a joke, really. He gets shot and the bullet shot cures his cancer?? This is a too much. Cancer research stop panni, Gabtun-a vittu all cancer-ku 'soot at site' order kodukka sollalam inimae!

Asin's (not Kamal) dialogue delivery was brilliant. Her hard work to memorize the dialogues are evident. The only dialogue she had - "Perumaale" (Rhyming bad word I am getting in my mouth-u, but for old time sake, I am no speak) was as likeable as Udit Narayan's Tamil. For the number of times she uttered the word, avalukku VIP seat Vaikuntam-la confirmed - innum oru vaati solli irundha naaney amchu vechiruppaen. Kamal tried to fill in the comedy track with Asin, but it has backfired badly. Neither the dialogue, nor the acting is impressive. And ya!! Mallika Sherawat (not Kamal) plays the role of a Tamil translator. Spashtama pesina. Suththi podanum. Avalukku illa, avalaye suththi kadal-la podanum.

The music department was a clear let down. Himesh has to start from Sa Pa Sa and Saralivarisai. I love "Kallai Mattum Kandaal" for the lyrics. BGM was thankfully nice and suited the movie. The special music for Balram Naidu was the best :D The songs did not intrude the movie at any point and that was a really nice thing considering the fact that they had a tough screenplay to handle. It nicely adds on to the commercial aspect. Good job! Climax-la KS Ravikumar (not Kamal) does an item number for Karunanidhi, Manmohan Singh and George Bush :D

Art direction and camera work were very impressive and were very apt for the film. There was not grandeur for the sake of it! Sensible. But the much hyped computer graphics - tsunami scene, under water shots look straight out of Finding Nemo kind. For a film of this budget and magnitude, special effects were far from impressive in the sense that you could realize what was graphics and what was not. Just because it is called special effects, it need not specially stand out! I am really surprised that this has happened in a 'tech-savvy' Kamal film.

The climax was dramatic. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it was handled in a amateur fashion. When you see a tsunami, would you run? Or would you look at it like Vijay Sarathi in Sun TV Neengal Ketta Paadal and say "Idhu dhaan tsunami"? That's what our Kung Fu master did :) The Krishnaveni Paatti - Poovaragan connection, me likey! Nice touch! Kamal debates with Asin the existence of god who has caused such a tragedy and Asin explains why it has happened for the good. Wokie. Then they show dead bodies all around. Next minute Kamal-Asin romance. Venaam. Valikkuthu. Message sollala-nu ippo yaar azhutha? "Meendum Meendum Sirippu"-la message solliyae aavaen-nu adam pidippangale, like that this comedy!

The last dialogue was nice though - "Naan kadavul illa-nu sollaliye, kadavul irundha nalla irukkumnu dhaan sollaraen" :) Kandippa will become popular! I already see this in various places - "Dasavatharathula kadhai illa-nu naan sollala. Kadhai irundha nalla irukkum-nu dhaan sonnaen". Namma pasanga kusumbukku oru alave illa :)

Lets not be finicky about logic and thin story-line. The film is meant to be a commercial entertainer and it is a good one. I refuse to accept though that this is the closest Kamal has come to bringing an 'intelligent' script to the masses. The film could have easily been much better and it's not. First, the script is by no means 'intelligent'. Second, he had done a better job with sreenplay in a Virumandi or a Devar Magan.

I did not mention Ravikumar anywhere since it was just Kamal's touch I could see throughout the movie. I am guessing Ravikumar was meant to tell Kamal what would be commercial and what wouldn't. In that case he was good, the commercial elements were mixed well. I still feel the treatment should have been more simple than what has come out. That's needed to get repeat audience from B & C and my guess is it will hit the collections. Time will tell the true story.

Overall, the film is worth watching once in theater if you are neutral. Leave your brains out and go looking for an entertainer. You will not be disappointed. Dasavatharam is meant to be an exhibition of Kamal's talents and it truly is a grand exhibition. Ensoi thangamani!