Thursday, March 23, 2006


Before somebody asks, NO, I have neither had a sex change operation nor do I plan to have one!

Before the rest ask, NO treats shall be entertained!


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Sudhesi : Must Watch

Finally!! I watched THE man on big screen and fortunately, being really strong hearted, I am living to tell you about it. I found it an amazingly entertaining movie and would recommend it to all you guys and gals out there for two main reasons. One, its super fun. Two, its totally economical - you can buy a ten rupees ticket and still manage to sit in A row, for all you need to do is turn back and understand that you are alone. So lets get to the review of Sudhesi, the film of the year 2006.

Read Review. . .

I watched the film on Saturday with a huge bunch of friends. The theater was jam packed with around 12 people and over 948 seats. The whistles began right away. It was a pleasant shock that the film was produced by Sudhish, an ultimate fan of Captain. I guess he chipped in with this movie before "That Four Letter Word" so that he could possibly invest the huge profits obtained from Sudesi. He told me that he did not sponsor Captain's clothing alone, which is understandable since buying off Aravind Mills is not an easy joke.

The film starts off on a political note : the death of the Chief Minister, which completely puzzled the viewers since Captain hadn shown his face yet. Riots break out everywhere after the new Chief Minister is decided and that is when Captain comes into the picture. Such an awesome intro he gets. A group of rowdies try to kill a poor man during the riot and suddenly the theater erupted as the camera joomed to show us a man wearing a sports soo and running on the road like Gilli Vijay. [Trivia : This road later came to be known as Bannerghatta Road] When the camera joomed out, there was an amazingly youthful Captain in a red tracksuit. He was drop-dead gorgeous : five people dropped dead. Captain came walking towards the rowdies with camera trying to focus his face from beneath his shoes like in Chandramukhi, but unfortunately his stomach stood in between and they ended up focussing something private. This was followed by terrific fight sequences, at the end of which there was so much destruction that all the shop owners felt that it was more economical to allow the riot to continue next time.

Sudhesi is basically a do-gooder. He helps people round the clock. Velai vetti illa-nu vidhyasama solli irukkar director. He solves a mystery involving the death of a young boy and gives a half an hour lecture in the court which impresses the judge so much that he appoints him as a Public Prosecutor in his court. However, Sudhesi's extraordinary language skills played spoilsport since a Bublic Brasecootar made him appear like a Naidu Hall salesman he loses his job. He has statistics about each and every thing in the universe in his finger tips and often lectures people with such intensity that it would make even Ramanujam hate numbers. The only other thing possible was mentioning his vital statistics, which was left out since it hasn't been measured accurately due to inadequate technology.

As always, Captain proves that he is highly romantic. He is constantly nagged by his mora ponnu who, for some reason, finds him to be the hottest person on earth and troubles him to marry her. I did not find any compelling reason why a girl would love Captain, considering the death rate of his heroines, unless ofcourse she'd been paid all the extra money like Isha Kopikar in Narasimha. So, the director had to be really smart and he was. All scenes were shot in the evening coz the heroine had maalai kannu noi.

Karunas has been included for comedy, but he pales in comparison to our MAN. I pity Sudish who ended up spending extra money for a redundant character. There is a scene in which Karunas and Sudhesi travel by bus. They were both supposed to travel on the footboard. However simple equations of physics showed that if that scene was shot, the bus would topple for obvious reasons. So Sudhesi alone got a nice place inside the bus, as a result of which it was completely crowded and Karunas had to hang on for dear life hoping that Captain doesn't sneeze or cough. In certain scenes, the direction was completely flawed - Captain says to Karunas, "Dei nee powder poosina panni maadhiri irukka" - it is always better to rehearse the scenes so that you don't end up saying the other person's dialogues.

Captain's costume in the movie were revolutionary. His wardrobe was provided by M.A. Jacob, the carpet people. The colourful flowers on his shirts are only found in two other places - bedspreads and ooty flower show. It is said Sudhish refused to buy faded jeans and so Captain bought normal 52inch jeans, forced himself into it and made faded designs with chalkpiece. Such wonderful costumes made Sudhesi appear so youthful that it gave us a glimpse of how Captain might have looked during his adolescent ages. He was equally scary then. He infact rides an Enticer with such ease that it looked like he was riding a tricycle. Such was his class. In one scene, the heroine jumps into the bathroom where she thinks Sudhesi is taking bath and with her looks matching that of her man's, the guy inside comes out shouting "Ayyoo Peyiiiii". Thank god Captain was not inside the bathroom, or else the heroine would have come out running. There is a duet song in the movie which has extremely relevant lyrics about Pongal festival. Captain has danced very lightly for this song and thus the heroine was reported to be safe.

Kadhai-la ippo dhaan taRning point. The Chief Minister and his right hand are totally greedy and selfish in this awesomely innovative script. They do lotsa kedi thanams including killing the ex-CM, which the right hand secretly tapes using a micro camera. This video falls on the hands of Sudhesi. After having watched Ramana, the right hand knew that this was highly dangerous since Captain was the only person capable of dragging and dropping new pieces of information into videos using Windows Media Player. The right hand comes looking for the CD and holds Sudhesi's mom a hostage with a knife and a gun simultaneously. But he had already seen Narasimha, he knew that Sudhesi would dodge all the bullets and decided to use a time bomb instead. He locks Sudhesi and his mom inside a room and fixes a time bomb. The bomb explodes. Mom dies. But amidst the flames thalaivar comes out flying. Sudhesi escapes. The bomb had actually thrown Sudhesi out of the house into a safe area. Friendly bomb.

In the second half of the movie, Sudhesi decides to use the CD and blackmail the CM to do good stuff for the people. The CM decides to kill Sudhesi and there is a super fight in a shopping complex with Captain wearing the kalyana band master dress seen in the posters. He freezes after every punch he delivers and the camera jooms to show his eyes in close-up which had as much sex appeal as a garbage truck. Even his coolers refused to stay in its place and flew away, but Captain pulls it back with a romantic stare and a there-is-nothing-like-early-morning-shitting smile.

Sitting on the stairs of a half-constructed building, Sudhesi proposes reforms in the medical field to the CM. This caused unnecessary expenditure for Sudhish, who had to pay compensation for damaging the foundation of the building. So next time onwards they decided to use fax mizeens. Sudhesi, who failed four times in fourth standard, now proposes educational reforms that take the entire state by storm. All this increase the popularity for the CM and he wins the elections easily, while it was the mastermind of Captain in the background!

So the CM calls Sudhesi to a place that is supposedly a factory but has a double cot in the manufacturing section. What sort of a factory would have a bed in such a place? Sudhesi senses that there is something fundamentally wrong and just as he expected the bad guys appear out of the blues. Plenty of wired stunts in this scene with Captain being wired with Amman TRY Murukku Kambis and lifted by cranes. One senseless guy tried hitting Captain with a steel rod, which just bends around Captain's wrist like a watch. What a man. Suddenly one bad guy says, "Dei ivan romba nallavan da, evalo adichaalum chamatha freeze panni nikkaraan" and the fight stops. The CM apologises to Sudhesi and urges him to become the CM. That triggered a half hour Sudhesi sbeech which makes you desperate to take a dip in the evergreen cooum and close your ears with cork. After the speech, the CM commits suicide for making the deadly mistake of holding "talks" with Captain.

Captain is back in form after a really dry period last year. Punch dialogues like, "MGR-kum enakkum orey oru vidhyasam dhaan. Avar kai-aala adipparu, naan kaal-aala adippaen" made us have a hearty laugh in the theater after we made all crooked sentences out of it! (Purinjavanga sirichukkonga pa, inga me no tell that, naan good boy!) The heroine disappears after the first half since Sudheshi did not want to distracted by silly matters. Everybody wondered what happened to her, but I am sure she must have cancelled her dates on the pretext of going on a sight seeing to Dumil Kuppam, after the duet song with Captain.

I thank Sudhish from the bottom of my heart for giving us such a wonderful film, and hereby confer upon him the title, "Sudheeshi".

1. Sudhish Kamath ! = LK Sudhish, the producer, even though its nicer to assume it that way. Any koshteens about this matter greatly denigrates Suderman's image as a Captain fan and thou shall be taken to court
2. Heroini-ku maalai kan noi-ngarthu poi!
3. Matters mentioned in the review have been assumed to be factual, they may or may not be facts and I may or may not speak the truth!

Yabba...vaera edhavathu miss pannitaena?

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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Women's Day : The Complete Story

Today, millions of women across the globe are celebrating their social, political, cultural and economic achiemevents which have aided in their transformation from mere objects of pleasure to really powerful objects of pleasure. So, as always, I am commiting myself to analysing the scenario and spreading awareness about how woman have been smart enough to acquire a day for themselves and are really happy celebrating it, while the still smarter men are extremely pleased to silently watch the group of girls in such celebrations.

Let me warn you before hand that the analysis shatters the myth that women had been suppressed for many years. It's based on the fact that women suffered at the hands of men for decades and inflicted suffering for centuries. So it's basically like Da Vinci Code : totally exciting and completely false.

It all started off long long ago, so long ago that nobody could say how long ago.

Creation of Universe
God was busy creating the universe and he had only 7 days for that task. However God, being God, handled it all like a child's play. "Let there be light", he said and there was light. "Let there be animals", he said and there was the Vijaya TR family. After God received complaints of ear bleeding from their fellow animals, he thought that Vijaya TR must be made to sleep to prevent ecological imbalance. So he said, "Let there be darkness", and consequently there was Dr. Prakash and Sivakasi Jayalakshmi. Finally, the tough part. Humans. After putting a lot of thought, God created man first. He thought to himself : Umm, I can definitely do much better! He tried again and this time created woman. Now he thought : Damn my overconfidence, I swear on God, yeah that's me, that I'd never try again! Thus came two of the most important species on planet earth.

1589 BC
Man and woman did not know the very purpose of their existence in this cruel world, for there were no porno movies then. They were pretty stupid. Woman had however discovered a new weapon - her speech, one that continued to torture man for centuries to come. The fact that the speech consisted mainly of "Grrr", "Tutt tutt" and "Baa Baa Boo" did not make matters by any means soothing. Man could speak too, but he was usally left speechless, understandably so, since they had not discovered as yet that leaves could be used for clothing.

483 BC
The torture was on the rise with the woman's lexicon increasing a rapid pace and man had to find out some way to cope up. "Baa Grrr", he used to curse the guy who, of all things to do in the world, discovered clothes. If that was not enough, he haid to pay 10 pebbles for a plankton leaf skirt and coconut leaf tops for her, while there was just one type of clothing for himself- cactus briefs, which he figured he'd rather stay without.

12 AD
It was in this year that the female domination faded away a little. Man had effectively devised a method to make his female partner finally shut up. Gopale Kissne, a native of France, discovered the solution while administering mouth-to-mouth on a hawt chic and got really excited that the chic choked to death. This was later named after Kissne and came to be known French Kiss. This was, however, not a definitive solution since for figures like Soha Ali Khan, the tip of the nose was 1.4 km from the face and this made the approach difficult. Nonetheless, a revolutionary breakthrough had been made.

638 AD
In accordance with Darwin's theory of evolution, which was non-existant then, women learnt to adapt after 500 odd years of suppression. It took them such a huge span of time to realise that they could cry and use it effectively against the menfolk. So they started crying day in and day out, without glycerine, without provocation, without Ekta Kapoor and Karan Johar. All men hate tears, except Karan Johar ofcourse, and by the same non-existant Darwin's theory they knew that it would take around 500 years for them to adapt. Why the hell did the non-existant theory have to be so slow? That was still a mystery obviously because the theory was still non-existant.

1256 AD
The solution did come, but it was an expensive one. The male gender decisively concluded that to stop the tears women had to be distracted. They had to be involved in something that enchanted them. Something stupid, coz that's what girls fall for. So, men decided to send them off shopping. The possibilities were never ending since every woman was capable of identifying the difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black. Men were not allowed to accompany them, since women felt it was sacrilegious that men were incapable of spotting discernible variations between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black, which the men gladly accepted. Woman were thus under control, yet again.

1859 AD
Darwin proposed his theory of natural selection exactly ten years before the birth of Mahatma Gandhi. Not that this adds any significance to our analysis, just that I know these details.

1909 AD
Women finally started realising that shopping had distracted them so much that they did not even know the really obvious fact Mahatma Gandhi was forty years old, Nehru was twenty and most importantly that there was no difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black. So they decided to protest, make their presence felt and get back to shopping first thing the next day morning. A National Conference for Women was held to spread awareness and this was attended by 3 women from 5 countries (two of them had dual citizenship), who decided that it din matter if Mahatma Gandhi was forty and went on to discuss why one of them was wearing a Blackish Black earring for a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black dress (some people held their beliefs that these were two distinct colours and that those who believed otherwise were men). The conference made waves all over the world and all women finally decided that it din matter to them if Mahatma Gandhi was forty.

1917 AD
Women in Russia demanded bread, peace, cheese and a diamond ring from the Czar on the last Sunday of February. The Czar decided to hold a meeting with women and settle the issue.

Czar : So, what is it that you people want?
Woman : (After was a quiet discussion with all her mates) Nothing.
Czar : Nothing?
Woman : (After another quiet discussion) Yeah, nothing.
Czar : Then whay are you out here protesting?
Woman : The shops are all closed on Sunday. We heard you were free, so we thought we'd just drop in.
Czar : Do you demand bread, peace, cheese and a diamond ring?
Woman : (After yet another quite discussion) Yes.
Czar : Ok, peace. Granted.
Woman : You are giving us only peace. What about the bread, cheese and diamond ring?
Czar : I mentioned peace as in lets have peace between us.
Woman : We are not going down so cheap. We want the bread, cheese and diamond ring too.
Czar : Ok ok. So you get the bread, cheese and diamond ring. Happy?
Woman : Now, what about the peace, you bastard!

The Czar abdicated. This historic day later came to be celebrated as woman's day; the last Sunday of February.

1925 AD
There cropped up a problem with having the celebration on the last Sunday of February. A teaser ad which did the rounds on lotsa television channels, "Sunday-na rendu" became so popular that the men started to read between the lines. They took it as a Government request to the public and implemented it with full vigour. By the time the Government explained that it was not a sex drive, the TVs had been switched off. So, Sunday was ruled out. The date for the event was decided with an overwhelming majority by the same 3 women from the same 5 countries, two of whom had dual citizenship. It would be March 8th, they said and so it is.

1975 AD
God is believed to have made a secret attempt in this year, breaking his vow that he'd never ever try to create another species. Ravi Krishna was born. "Old age, I need rest...whoever forced me to do this", he said under his breath and disappeared.

2005 AD
With the verdict of the 3 women from 5 countries still under effect, women have made great progress in all spheres, rendering men jobless at times. As a desperate measure to turn the tables, Shahrukh "Queen" Khan stepped into the bathtub with rose petals reassuring the world that men and women are equal.

Women now have an equal footing in the developed sections of the society and are revered all over the world. However, shopping still distracts them so much that they still do not know that if Mahatma Gandhi had been alive today he'd be 137 years old!

Happy Women's Day!!

Disclaimer : The above analysis is false to the best of the profound knowledge of a person who knows Mahatma Gandhi was born in 1869 and most importantly that there is indeed no difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black.

: On a serious note, the least I could do . . . Please Go here

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

Finally, the man is back

Its time to rejoice for millions of Captain fans around the world and even those from the planet Kandravia Galactica, where scientists say they have found traces of the DNA that match Captain's. The man is back with his latest flick, Sudhesi, in which he obviously plays a cop.

The advertisements were flashed in all leading news papers in the country like Dinakaran and Thamizh Murasu announcing that Sudhesi, the most awaited film of the year (amongst wild boars) would hit the screens tommorow. The film must have been out much earlier, but people said that the theater owners were not willing to buy a Captain flick. What crap! Sources close to pravunplugged recently confirmed that the news was entirely false. They say that the actual reason was that the theaters did not have the proper infrastructure to screen his films, the screen was way too small and the projectors were not sturdy enough to run a Captain film, they collapsed in 3 micro seconds.

Sudhesi is rumoured to be a remake of Swadesh, with slight changes to suit Captain's image. Shahrukh played the role of a NASA scientist who returns back to his motherland after being fascinated by it. When the movie was proposed to be made with Captain in the lead, NASA threatened to soo (sue) the producer for denigrating its image. So Captain decided to play an Indian cop (the kalyana band-master dress which he is wearing in the poster is him in mufti) who returns to his hometown, Vandalur, which he finds to be infested by terrorists and vows o get rid of them. It is the first bi-lingual Captain film. The film is simultaneously being release in Telugu under the name 'Paradesi'. When asked how Captain managed to speak Telugu, the director says, "Tamil mattum ozhunga pesidaraara? Adhey maadhiri dhaan Telugu-um pesinaar".

Mother nature spat her rage all over the globe last year since she was in a really depressed mood and there was unfortunately no Captain flick to cheer her up. Terrorists started showing their ugly head in many parts too. All that will not happen this year, for our Captain is back! Yayy!! One person, however, who is in grave danger is the heroine of Sudhesi. After learning about Pratyuksha and Soundarya, the actress has asked for police protection.

It's been my long time aim to watch a Captain flick first day. Seriosuly, does anybody have tickets??? Please help me!! I badly need them

Update : I have uploaded another pic of Captain from today's papers. The page may thus load a lot slower owing to the 1.3GB size of a Captain pic. Sorry for the distarpance

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