Monday, April 24, 2006

Arjun Singh : Exclusive Interview

Suggestion : If you are seriously looking to know what Arjun Singh said, I suggest you watch the Mr. Bean show. The consequences are similar.

One of the greatest reforms introduced in independent India was announced this month, by our beloved minister Arjun Singh. It is the best thing to happen to India since the MoU signed between the Indian Government and MNC Kaekraan Maekraan for the "non-yellowy" maintenance of public toilets. 22.5% of the seats were reserved during the formation of the Indian republic, because it represented the percentage of people who belonged to the backward sections of the society. Now, applying the same logic, or the lack of it, Arjun Singh calculates the percentage to be 49.5% and confirms it saying that the highly reliable figure has been calculated using Casio calculators. In this Pravunplugged exclusive, Arjun Singh shares his pearls of wisdom, gokulam and champak with us.

Read Interview . . .

Note : The name Arjun Singh has been abbreviated and represented as AS in the following interview. Please do not conclude that I am mocking at the minister by reading AS as a single word. I have no necessity to do so since we all know how AS himself manages to add an extra S behind his abbreviation.

Interviewer : Hello sir, how do you do?
Arjun Singh : Hello. Do not ask personal questions. You should have paid better attention to your biology class in 9th standard to know how you do.

I : I meant how are u, sir.
AS : Oh like that-eh? Me, I am very old, fat, bald and fair. You?

I : I am fine sir.
AS : So, what are we here for?

I : (Hmmm..Un mandai-la kuttarthukku!) An interview sir, can we start?
AS : Yes, ofcourse.

I : What is your opinion about reservations?
AS : They are very good. They give you confidence that you have seat for sure.

I : ??!?!?
AS : Yes, we should more reservations and reduce the number of RACs and Waiting Lists.

I : Sir, I am talking about reservations in educational institutions, not railway reservations.
AS : Ha Ha! What a fool I am!

I : Sahi jawaab.
AS : Eh??

I : Pardon me, so what's you opinion sir?
AS : They very important for country like India.

I : Why so?
AS : Areey. I pity the ignorance of youngster like you. Because India obviously fall under the category of country like India, if not fully, atleast partially.

I : I mean why is it important for countries like India?
AS : Because population different. One section front, other section rear. Front section going fronter and rear section going rearer.

I : You have studied your 9th standard biology perfectly, sir!
AS : Ha Ha! I always bright student.

I : Ofcourse you are very bright sir, especially when the sun is shining and the reflector on your head is well oiled!
AS : That's why I thought 49.5% reservation can be brought about. So that rear can also come front and both will be front.

I : Do you plan to increase the percentage further, sir?
AS : Yes. Presently there are SC/ST/OBC category. In future I bring in AFOBC and YIABC category and there will be 100% reservation.

AS : A Few Other Backward Classes and Yayy I Also Backward Class category.

I : With 100% reservation, what about General Category?
AS : This is master plan boy, you no understand. With this scheme, there no general category. Everybody in backward category somehow and we can have equality. So the front also go to rear and from there equal competition between both the rears to go to front.

I : But what about the country's economy?? Will that not be affected without progress?
AS : That Chidambaram ji handle. If he can unable to, then I temporarily include RAC and Waiting List in educational institoosan, so that if reserved seat not taken by rear, the front can take the rear seat.

I : Waiting list is ok, how RAC??
AS : RAC students given seat and education, but no degree.

I : Great! Do you think reservation will affect the quality of students in premier institutions?
AS : No No. Everybody will be as brilliant as me.

I : So that's precisely what I am talking about.
AS : You no realize that this a long term solution for inequality. You wait and see, time will tell.

I : (It's already saying you are stupid!) Don't you think its better to have a equal basis for selection and instead provide those deprived with a proper study environment etc?
AS : No. That not possible since environmentalists oppose change in environment. Menaka Gandhi risky lady. Sonia fire me.

I : (Damn!) Ok, so are you going to extend the reservation concept in other spheres?
AS : Yes, yes. Very much. There will be cricket reservation, football/hockey reservation etc.

I : Ah!! What's the cricket?
AS : 50% of the players in team must belong to SC/ST/OBC

I : A team has 11 players, so how 50%??
AS : Oh, that i din think. Anyway I give spontaneous solution. 5 people from FC, 5 from BCs and one person is child of intercastly married parents.

I : Brilliant! Anything else in cricket?
AS : During powerplay, only 1 FC allowed to stay inside circle, rest all BCs. That way all BCs move front.

I : !! What about football?
AS : It very racist game, needs many changes.

I : Racist game??
AS : Yes. Attacking position called Forward. From now on we have Center OBC, Right Center SC and Left Center ST. There no backward position. Everybody stand near goal for equality.

I : Aiyyo! Anywhere else?
AS : Yes, public toilet also reserved.

I : ???
AS : 50% of toilet for SC/ST/OBC only. All FC while going toilet stand only on one leg. The other position for keeping leg reserved for rear class.

I : I think it is time to end the interview.
AS : No, wait. Escalator reservation policy you no hear?

I : Ok, go on.
AS : Front people not allowed on escalator. Only rear. So rear will go front faster than the front. All my idea.

I : Ofcourse! What is your answer to your crictics who say all this is vote bank politics?
AS : Definitely not. False charges.

I : How say? ... shit .. I mean how do you say that?
AS : In India there is Indian Bank, State Bank, Canara Bank, Reserve Bank, but no bank called vote bank. If they want to prove charges, ask them to show pass book.

I : That's it. Thanks a ton for your time Mr. Arj....
AS : Thanks is reserved word for rear. Front no say that, ok?

I : ...un Singh. Good night!

Huh. Such government policies make it seem a lot better if the parliament is adjourned sine die! Mandaikku maela masurum illa, mandaikulla moolaiyum illa. Orey kushtamappa!

Disclaimer : All names and designations are as usual fictional. Any resemblences to a real life character is purely because of the matching stupidity levels


This post is dedicated to this lady, for threatening me to post soon or have my fan status withdrawn on Orkut

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Awards, pudhusu kanna pudhusu!

With elections around the corner, MUMMY is taking full fledged action to please the people, section by section, strategically. Last month, the list of Kalaimamani awardees were announced, which featured everybody including Kalai's uncle, who was given a numerologically modified "Kalai Mama Nee" award. As the next step, relaible sources of pravunplugged confirm that MUMMY would be naming awards after prominent people for their contribution to the country. This exclusive report elaborates on the details.

Henceforth, the best actor would be given the 'Statue of Bulty' award to celebrate the historic nuclear deal which provided all the nuclear fuel that India needed to accomplish tasks which are no more harmful than aani pudungifying. [Pravunplugged comments : Honestly, we don't require nuclear fuel as long we have Aalo Parathas, but it is upto the government to realise.]

The best actress each year would get the 'Urgent Bathroom, Hence I Resign Gandhi' award since it is widely appreciated to name stuff after members of the Gandhi family. [Pravunplugged comments : Matter movie actresses viz. Bollywood heroines and people who hold similar offices of profit must be exempt from the category]

'Arey Haan Ji' award would be given to the best Music Director, who would be selected on the basis of their originality. This highly controversial stipulation rules out the Anu Malik and Deva families for their next seven generations. [Pravunplugged comments : Harris Jeyaraj must be given special consideration for his inclination towards the language of the Australian aboriginal's, who incidentally speak no known language and are infact non-existent in the first place]

Next on line is the 'Karumai Nira Kannan' award which honours the person with the most romantic expression in films which may include the rolling of the tongue and a romantic bite of one's own karugi pona lips, a naughty pinch on the hips, bambaram spinning etc. [Pravunplugged comments : Black Cat secoority must be provided to the affected heroine since the after effects can be deadly]

The best newcomer receives the 'Kokkara Kozhi Raasathi' award, which is a special category applicable to both the male and female gender. The award is to honour Top Star Prashanth, who has acted in 17 films in the last one year alone, fortunately none of which have been released. [Pravunplugged comments : Prashanth must stop acti..err...doing films]

The next award, the 'Sokkai Podaatha Swapna Sundari' award, is to encourage youngsters, who may have may not have talent but possess a lotsa other things which are vital in nature, to come up and show the world what they have got. [Pravunplugged comments: I volunteer myself to be the umpire at the next WTA tour, without salary and other perks]

To instill team spirit into the youngsters, MUMMY is also giving away a special 'Namma Ooru Paanjaali' award, which highlights the values of working together inspite of age barriers, ego clashes, salary issues and two extremely ugly faces. [Pravunplugged comments : Indha kodumai-ku Namitha nadicha matter padamey thevala]

The 'Kolangal Loosu Abi' award is for those people who possess a strong belief that a pinju pona Pondy Bazar handbag always holds enough money to help those in need, in short, it is for the mentally challenged. [Pravunplugged comments : A strong contender for this award is Saritha, who boldy and stupidly, agreed to wear TShirts in June R]

The last, but the most prestigious award is to kindle the scientific brains to come up with answers for baffling questions like - 'TR moonjila mudi molachu irukka, illa TR mudi-ku nadoola moonji molachu irukka' and 'How Simbhu missed the evolutionary process'. It will be known as the 'Karadu Kutti Veerasamy' award. [Pravunplugged comments : No comments!]

Disclaimer : If you really did believe all this crap, well, Happy Birthday!

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