Tuesday, December 26, 2006

'Genderal' Science

*Warning: This post contains few gross matter references. Reader discretion is advised. Children are requested not to seek parental guidance and damage their image as well as mine in the process*

Science stands for truth. Nothing is accepted without proof. Thus, speaking scientifically, political science is the best oxymoron known to mankind. A proof establishes new facts using already established facts. Like, Vijaya TR being the dad of Chimpu is an established fact [Source: Animal Planet]. Using this to establish the genetic similarities between a gorilla and chimpanzee is establishing new facts, which are increasingly more complex than the established facts. In short, this process is the sole cause of science text books being as voluminous as Vijaya TR himself. The resulting complexity makes science students wish that Newton had sat under a coconut tree instead.

Read on...

Proof was first stressed in the age of the kings in India. I am making this statement with a reasonable certainity since irrespective of whether we practice something or not, we always have ancient records which undoubtedly indicate that we were the pioneers. King Ashoka was the first to point out that war was indeed a bad thing, which he proved by making thousands of people shed blood. Pallavas proved that sea water is capable of eroding rocks by building temples along sea shores. There was thus a craze to prove anything and everything. One such proof was the gender proof. The members of a kingdom used to prove their gender to the king by going to his 'andhappuram'. The gender was determined by whether the person bent front or back for the king. This was the first ever case of gender test known to mankind.

The first gender test carried out on a global scale was in the 1960s during the Olympics, after reports reached the officials that Karan Johar was born. His/her birth made the officials realize that a middle path could be taken too. He/she opened up a new school of thought. So they started insisting on gender test to ensure fair participation in the games, especially in the women's category.

Initially, as part of gender test, the athletes were required to parade nude in front of a panel of gynecologists. This suddenly threw open a new job opportunity for millions of youngsters who realized that work could be fun. The boom of male gynecologists which started then is yet to subside, since SEX was etched in the minds of guys even before there was big bang [If you are a guy and thought this was something like gangbang, you are a potential gynecologist!]. The practice was discontinued after the news of the birth of a baby named Prakash in TamilNadu, which impregnated the delivery nurse, reached the Olympic officials.

Clinical tests which determined the chromosomes of the athlete soon came into the picture. However, the procedure was termed to be as accurate as the weather predictions of Chennai Meteorological department. When Karan Johar was certified to be male, women's welfare organization came to the rescue and filed a petition to withhold the results of such spurious tests. Trivia: Karan Johar took part in the 2000 Sydney Olympics Marathon and won the gold medal at the 2004 Athens Olympics Marathon, when he finally completed the event after numerous shittings on the way which shifted his priority from completing the event to getting the shit cleaned up soon, just like he does with his movies.

The IAAF was the first to stop this practice, not because it felt that it was humiliating, but because the athletes had to submit a urine test under close medical supervision; which means someone will stare over there when you pee into a glass, if only you manage to gather some pee under external pressure and let it go with sufficient internal pressure to satisfy the needs of the person who is probably holding the glass for you. The IOC stopped this practice after male gynecologists protested against the unnecessary use of technology which was unreliable and urged to get back to the old practice which was natural and ofcourse, a lot of fun.

The Olympics Council of Asia alone continues the practice because they think this is the coolest new thing which is in. Their records are so inaccurate that they still do not know that the process itself is inaccurate! They argue that without testing it is not possible to differentiate amongst the Chinese male and female who all have a flat nose and mostly flat everything else. Why not take gender tests as an eligibility criteria instead of making one famous and humiliating them? No, no, never, they there just for jetty....if everyhting happens according to logic, I would have to shut down this blog :)

Santhi Soundararajan was recently stripped of her silver medal in Doha Asian Games because she failed a gender test. The tests used latest technology of vethalai-la mai thadavarthu, which were far more accurate than the methods Arjun 'Sottai' Singh used to determine the percentage of backward caste people in the country. Santhi has so far been declared male twice and female once based on similar tests and the decision was based on a best of three basis. Since accuracy of the test is a concern, a best of five approach is being recommended by the Olympic Council for future games.

NDTV flashed the news as "India's Shame" because, in an attempt to deliver the news first to their viewers, it parsed the information so quickly that it interpreted "Santhi stripped of silver medal in Asian Games" as "Santhi stripped in Asian Games". With this authentic news it collected by advanced Chinese Whisper techniques, this is how they worked out their headlines: Strip = Nude = Puppy shame = India's shame. The quick work is all set to earn the channel the award for the best news channel in India for the year 2006.

The Government of India was unavailable for comment on the issue since they had much pressing issues like the performance of Indian cricket team in South Africa, deciding on the next hot chic after Sania to award the Padmashree etc to discuss in the assembly. Besides, India was already in a healthy situation with a total tally of 201 medals (in all Asian games put together, obviously) that one silver medal was going to make any difference at all. By telepathy, a far more reliable technique than gender tests, it was found that Dr. Mani Shankar Aiyer, our Sports Minister, was reflecting on his goals - to groom new talent, filter them based on looks and finally have a huggable product.

We the people of India, solemnly swear to nurture talent irrespective of caste [general category excluded], creed, religion, state and economic background [eligible if annual income > 3 lakhs] as long as you are a hot chic. If not, please apply for sports quota in IITs.

Disclaimer: Unless you are the person being accused, all these are facts. If you are being accused, you must know that the previous statement is false :)

Note: This marks my second anniversary in blogosphere. Chennai vandhu I have met bloggers on three occasions and this is my first blog :D

Lotsa topics to write on. But interest dhaan illa. To rejuvenate some interest in blogging I am gonna analyse my Google Adsense Revenues and optimize them, till I can find a better strategy :)

Hope you guys had a merry xmas!! Happy New Year adutha blog-la wisharaen! Tata :)

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