Friday, June 10, 2005

Career Opportunity

Are you an idiot? Is your maths knowledge limited to hand and mind calculations? Do you think a gene is a popular clothing material? Are you the maker of sunscreen which Ganguly uses? Did you vote for Laloo Prasad Yadav in the elections?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it is unfortunate that I have such readers. Anyways hi! Actually you have come to the right place, coz this post is aimed to help you prosper in life. Yep, you have all the pre-requisites to make a blockbuster mega serial.

After you go through this FAQ, you will be fully equipped to make a soap out of Ammani's quicktales and thoroughly destroy their beauty. In short, you will taste success as a mega serial maker.

What is a SOAP?
Any story narrated at a Simply Obnoxious and Agonizing Pace.

How did it start off?
Started in Egypt to celebrate the birth of Tutankahmen. But he died before he could see it.

How do I rope in a producer?
Take a Godrej Hairdye with you. Find a young blood and narrate the complete story. Hand over the hairdye if he accepts your project...he'll definitely need it.

Whom do I approach?
Personal questions shall not be entertained.

No, no, not that. For investing money?
Oh. Actually just get a free sponsor for like a lifetime supply of glycerine. The rest you can pay from your pocket easily.

How do I name my project?
Depends on the language. If its a Hindi serial, the name must be nothing short of 5 ft long. Something like "Ek gawn mey ek kisan raghu thatha" or "Is desh mey Ganga behthi hai" would do. Tamil serials are more into relationships. "Onnu vitta Chithappa", "Rendu vitta perippa" and "Moonu vitta naathanar" might be considered.

What should be my motive?
To make people cry.

What if they don't?
You are worser than an idiot. You should probably stand in the next elections, preferably in Bihar.

How do I make them cry?
Make people die every 100th episode and mourn for the next 99. But remember mother-in-law and daughter-in-laws are invincible. In short, even a serial titled "Mangalam" should be filled with "yezhavu" scenes.

How do I maintain suspense?
Slow motions help a lot. Make sure people take one full episode to climb a flight of stairs. Just in case its your 100th episode, push him down the stairs and kill him.

What if it's a 99th episode?
What goes up has to come down (pun unitended!). So push him when he climbs down the stairs in the next episode.

Why do people like it? Isn't is so gloomy??
It's human mentality. Everybody faces a lot of problems. When they see some people facing more problems, they are happy.

When should I end the serial?
When you feel you don't know what has happened in the past 1784 episodes, stop introducing new characters. Make all the characters assemble in a beach. Wash them out with a Tsunami. Your office being stoned is another indication that a Tsunami must strike at the earliest.

Can I dub the same serial into other languages?
Yes you may, the rules are all common. But make sure you don't use Kris Srikkanth to dub it into Hindi. His way of saying "Hotha hai" doesn't suit family audience.

When do I know my serial has succeeded?
When a guest entering a house at primetime is greeted with a sarcastic "vaanga" meaning "yaenda vantha? unakku vaera velaiye illaya? Andha Metti Oli mamiyar seyyara kodumai poraathu-nu nee vaeraya? Nimmathiya serial paarka vidariya nee? Sandala", then your serial is a hit.

Disclaimer : This in no way is to suggest that directors of megaserials are idiots. Any such feeling is purely because of your perception and factual knowledge.

Cheers :-)

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