Celebrity Cricket League : Whattey!

While the Indian team was busy visiting moothra sandhu's in Australia & moochu thenara thenara adi vaangifying, BCCI called for a meeting of all jobless celebs from across the country. TN was represented by a 3 member team of Sarathkumar, Srikanth & Vikranth who have been relatively free since the birth of Jesus Christ. AP was going to send that Country Club Reddy fellow since all he does is pose for photo with his thumbs up, but had to send Venkatesh since Reddy was in a photo shoot. Karnataka sent some 20 stars, but none of them have reached the airport yet; they are believed to be still on their way. Kerala was a bit busy striking against a strike that was unsuccessful the previous week. Salman was supposed to represent Mumbai but was not allowed into the venue since the security guard did not recognize him in t-shirt. And the result of this crucial meeting is what we know as the Celebrity Cricket League.

The CCL had the ingredients required of success. One, cricket. If 'Watching Cricket' is not listed as a hobby in one's resume, it could result in cancellation of Indian citizenship. Two, cine stars. Nobody reads about Mother Teresa, but everybody loves to know about mother of Trisha. And mouth waterfalls are opened when heroines with open hair jump around waving flags, biting nails. [ FYI, grandmothers would call this 'dharidhram' or 'peedai' and blame you squarely for not providing a conducive atmosphere for Lakshmi to enter the house ]

But I was not too fond of it. Though the cricket was ok considering it was not being played by professionals, it was a little drab. You know. Like watching that flute Ramani play the flute on mute. [ FYI, this is called a TRhyme. New word. ] But it was not until the last two matches or something that I paid attention to the commentary. It was just legendary. If all the vaakkiyams spoken by commentators Mohan Ram, Balaji & Badava Gopi were sethukkified in Thanjavur kalvettu, sori naai would have lifted one leg and gone chuchu on it. Like I said, leg-undery.

Like many others, I live tweeted a lot of it. But did not like that it was buried somewhere. So what follows is purely a collection of the commentary I heard, mostly by legendary commentator Mohan Ram. Slight twist. What if Goundamani was the co-commentator?

Read On . . .

"Indha stadium la oru beautiful atmosphere, appadiye Adelaide maadhiri"
Dei parachute mandaiya. *slap* Adelaide-a munna pinna map-la paathirukkiya nee? Nee vaangara anjukkum paththukkum unakku indha vilambaram thevaiya?

"LBW na enna nu inga neraya paerukku theriyaathu. LBW na leg before wicket"
Pinna naanga mattum enna edhavathu ketta vaarthai na sonnom? Periya Vivekanandaru. Ivarukku therinja karuththa makkalukku parappuraaru, naaye!

"enna kaetta avar risk edukkama cricketing strokes aadarthu safe"
Dei. Ippo unna yaaru kaetta? Kai la mic kodutha enna vena pesiduviya nee? Ippo cricketing stroke aadunga, safe-umba. Appuram aanurai poattu aadunga, safe-umba. Yaenda imsai pannareenga?

"beautiful atmosphere. the crowd is going hunky dory"
Dei dori kanna. Edho rendu word manappadam pannitu vandhu film kaatariya? Indha dakaalti ellam en kitta venaam. Ozhunga pesu da!

"that is a beautiful flick, illa cut. eppadi vena sollalam"
Echa kala naai nu sollalama? Therila na therila nu sollu. Flick kum cut kum enna da sammandham parangikka mandaiya!

"Vishal face la paatheenga na oru innocent boyish smile...oru impish smile"
Yaen, studio la puli bommai pakkathula nikka vechu photo edukka poriya? DSLR vechirukkaran, tripod vechirukkaravan ellam photographer-aam. Ada naatula indha photographer tholla thaanga mudila pa.

"theriyatha neyargalukku sollaraen. wide ball-na leg side la pona adhu wide ball"
Ei. Stop. Makkale nalla kettukonga. Ippadi dhaan oorukulla romba paya thiriyaraan. Ball nalla neettama irundha adhu wide ball-mban. Indha ayogya payala nambatheenga.

"Sudheep is playing a brave innings here" [ Sudheep is on 2* ]
*slap* Rendu run adichathu brave innings na, oorukulla avan avan 99 century adichuttu thiriyaraan, adhellam enna da solluva?

"now Mohan Ram joins us in the commentary box. Avar senthamizh la periya expert"
Senthamizh la pesa inga enna pattimandrama nadatharaanga? Illa indha naai tholkaapiyatha mozhi peyarka pogutha? Aiyyayyayyo. Tensan, tensan, tensanappa!

"that is an agricultural shot"
*slap* unna ippadi ellam pesa solli yaar da solli kodukkara?

"they are singing hose-annas for Rishi"
Yaar avaru? Unna annar-a? Nee mudhal-la naan sollartha correcta repeat pannu: 'Pushpam azhagaga poothirundhathu'. Enga sollu paapom.

"Vishal vandhu namma Dhoni maadhiri"
Appo Dhoni enna unga chithappa maadhiriya? Narayana, indha kosu tholla thaanga mudila da, marundhu adichu kollunga da!

"actually paatheenga na, cricket la by-runner vechu odarthu romba kashtam"
Yaen nee odi paathiyaakum? Paradesi naaye. Romba pesina orey app-a appi puduven.

"adhu oru costly miss-a irukkum nu nenaikkaraen?"
Yaen andha miss-u cheap-a irundha vilaikku vaanga poriya?

"usually ball endha pakkam move aaguthu nu kandupudikka wicket keeper endha pakkam poraaru nu paakanum"
Dei. Andha naai daily somba thookittu vaaikaal pakkama pogum. Neeyum pona paakkalam.

"future-la indha event innum massive-a nadakkum. appadiye expand aagi hollywood heroes aaduvaanga nu naan ethir paakaraen"
Aama. America la Michael Jackson kooptaaha. Sappan la Jackie Chan kooptaha. Enna da color color-a reel vidara? Vettiya irukkara naalu naainga-la kooptu cricket aadittu, ennavo olymbic nadathara maadhiri build up kodukkaranya.

"oru clock-la eppadi ella mul-um correct velai seyyanumo, adhey maadhiri dhaan broadcasting. andha video room ku ponaen. wire-ellam appadiye katti vechirukkanga"
Aamam, avuthu vecha nee dhaan uruvittu poiduviye. Time paaka theriyaatha naai ellam gadigaaratha vechu analogy pesuthu da Narayana!

"umpires paatheenga na vellarikkai maadhiri cool-a irukkanga"
Yaen uppu molaga podi thadavi beach la vikka poriya? Nee kooda dhaan parangikkai maadhiri veengi poi irukka. Idhellam commentary-a da?

"indha tournament paatheenga na ICC rules padi dhaan aadarom"
Idhu ICC ku theriyuma? Appo ICC rules padi dhaan Namitha va andha pakkam sightscreen-a nikka vecheengalakkum?

"and he's a goner"
Periya British Governor General ivaru, puriyaatha English la mattum dhaan pesuvaaru. Komutti thalaya!

"I think this is a very important wicket"
Soringa officer. Nee I think pannadhu podhum. Poi annanukku oru tea sollu po naaye.

"Naan inga Saba Karim kitta kaettaen. Adhu out nu dhaan sonnaru"
Avan enna janadhibadhi-a? Kari kadai-la velai paatha naai-ku ellam cricket-a pathi enna da theriyum?

"according to ICC rules..."
Enna? Unna thookki poattu midhikkanuma?

"Run out kodukkareengalo illaiyo, kadaisi pandh-il run illai. Chennai Rhinos vendru vittargal" [ When it was 1 run to tie and a run out was being referred to the third umpire ]
Nee sonna indha vaakkiyatha Thanjavur kalvettu la sedhukki vechuttu adhu pakkathulaye okkandhukka. Unakku pinnadi vara sandhadhigal, adha paathu padichu thelivu adainjuppanga

"Chennai vendru vittargal. emotional scenes. Vishal stadium-ai suthi vandhu, kai koopi, kai yendhi..."
Pichai edukkaraar-a? Appadi edutha dhaan nee pichai poda poriya? Un pocket la irukkara naalna ku unna ulla vittadhe thappu. Odi poidu.

There stops my memory & there ends my effort to archive this pokkisham. If you know any more commentary means, pliss to share. If world is destroyed and blogger server is excavated by some future species, I want them to know about CCL & Mohan Ram. [ Note to Future: Hey future species, Mohan Ram could be your dad. Ask mom. ]

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr.Mohan Ram and his ghoshti for making CCL an entertaining event. I read some one saying that Bharat Ratna should only be awarded to people who do things beyond their paying jobs. I hereby extend my fullest support to recommend Mr.Mohan Ram for the award. If Ratna is not possible, atleast some Bharat Pithalai or something should be given. Idha pathi naan Home Minister kitta pesaraen!

CCL. Well, I don't care if they do this to all sports as long the commentary is by Mohan Ram. Like you know, Celebrity Chess League, "Andha kudhirai egiri guthithu L-shape-il sendrathu"

But I would like to summarize CCL using one of the most irritating viral thingies that has been polluting my FB feed. Simply. Because being the irritator feels good.




Okbye!

PS: Mohan Ram has a blog. mohanramanmuses @ blogspot. Check out. Killer header image :P

Kodi Vilayaadu Paapa

We have had a fair share of KBC variants in Tamil. It all began with the dubbed version of Amitabh's KBC. But it was discontinuted after some one pissed Amitabh off by asking why he was speaking Tamil in Nizhalgal Ravi's voice. For the uninitiated, Nizhalgal Ravi is the guy who comes on TV to sell land in areas expected to develop by 3000 AD. Mahavatar Babaji is the only investor who could potentially benefit from such a bargain. Anyways, the difference in stature of these two was so big that Amitabh had every right to be pissed. If Amitabh is like the guy travelling in his BMW on an eight lane highway @ 200kmph, Nizhalgal Ravi is like the guy who sells that yellow towel / multi-colour duster when cars stop at traffic signals.

Then there was this non-dubbed version by Sarath Kumar which never really took off. Sarath typically started the show with a "Naan reddy, neenga reddy-a?", thinking that would be some kind of a style statement. But it only caused confusions. People assumed only Reddy's could apply, while the Reddy's never applied because they could make more money in the same time by selling granite. Disappointed Sarath quit, joined politics and vowed that he will not become CM for more than two terms even if people insisted. Apparently they have not even insisted once yet.

Continue Reading . . .

SRK's KBC also did not last long. He appeared on show with one small kudumi, like one vedam reading brahmana boy. DMK told Vijay TV to only allow participants whose names ended with 'nidhi'or 'giri'. Vijay TV tried explaining that in a dubbed program, they can only change the voice and not the participant. But DMK members who are so used to these kind of hoardings, cried foul. SRK thus quit and went on to make his dream project..titled some Ra.One or Ra.Pichai or something like that.

And now, the big show is back on TV! The ad is being telecast 873 times in a day, beating the previous record held by Sun Pictures' Vettaikaran trailer. And the host... Suriya - son of Sivakumar, brother of Karthi, father of Diya and husband of Jothika. Pardon the rather elaborate introduction. But they come as a package. You buy one means, you get the other four free. So it is quite possible that you will see all five of them sitting around Computer ji in the show.

There are some teasers that show Suriya dressed in a suit and walking like a guy who has just appplied itch guard between his legs. Was not too impressed. I think Vijay TV would do better to tweak the show keeping in mind Surya's image. Below are a few things that might work.

Costume
Making Suriya wear a blazer is like making Sunny Leone wear madisar. Sacrilegious. So, like the popular jannal vecha jackets, there must be one cutting done to reveal the six packs. THE six packs that made even Anna Hazare so jealous that he goes on a GM diet every few months. Sample costume below!



Advertisements
No commercial breaks! All ads could be projected during the programme itself, right onto the six pack... thanks to the innovative costume! You know, like, "Guys, need a flat stomach? Contact 12345" or "Gals, need implants for a chest as flat? Contact 12345" written on Surya's tummy? Here's what it could look like on the show..



You could also follow the same approach for the sms thingy to get people involved, or even get ads for a social cause!

Seating
The host seat was actually designed with Amitabh in mind. So asking Suriya to get on it is a tall ask! So I have designed (& patented) a seat that works...



Lifelines
1. Family Poll (sample) : Anyone from Suriya's family, including onnu vitta mama's and all can vote.
2. Phone Sivakumar : Participant is allowed 30mins to get the answer. Ear plugs available on request.
3. Aspirin / Anjol Aluppu Marundhu : To deal with the fatigue of talking to Suriya family. Included on humanitarian grounds.

Sample Questions
There MUST be a generous amount of Suriya related questions so that there is better family viewership of the programme. Suriya family's viewership, that is. So here are few that could work...

Who choreographed the song Engenge Engenge from Nerukku Ner?
A. PT Usha
B. Milka Singh
C. Usain Bolt
D. None of the above. They kept running because there was a street dog during the shoot.

What does Suriya do when he sees the villain sexually abusing a girl in Ayan?
A. Beats him, he is the hero.. duh!
B. Enjoys the music in the club
C. Takes a video of it so that he can prove to the girl's dad that the villain is a bad guy
D. Both B & C

In 7am Arivu, why does Dong Lee tilt his head throughout the movie?
A. So that he appears shorter than Suriya
B. He had sulukku. The Iodex he bought from China was fake.
C. Hypnotism means like that wonly
D. He was playing Saanjadu Amma Saanjadu

Why does Suriya tell Jothika "Nee thottadhu edhayum naan thoda maataen" in the Sunrise ad?
A. Jothika aathula illa. Theettu.
B. She is currently cheetangol
C. S.Kozhuppu
D. So that one million people can say awwww for no real reason

Will such genuine sections be a part of the show? We'll have to wait and watch!

P.S. : Trying to remember when I became 'anti-Suriya'. Used to like him a lot during the Pithamagan days. I find his movies ok once in a while, but unable to tolerate him & his family in any stage show! Mosquito problem! :-S

P.P.S.: I have had a few people email me asking if I would ever blog (flattered!)...TRYING to revive the blog. Have no idea how long this would continue, but will try! In case any of you old-timers still around, howdy? :-)

P.P.P.S: This day, 2004, was when I started blogging! If I am allowed to say, this marks the seventh anniversary of my dormant blog! Yayy! :-D

Cheers!

Awards, pudhusu kanna pudhusu!

With elections around the corner, MUMMY is taking full fledged action to please the people, section by section, strategically. Last month, the list of Kalaimamani awardees were announced, which featured everybody including Kalai's uncle, who was given a numerologically modified "Kalai Mama Nee" award. As the next step, relaible sources of pravunplugged confirm that MUMMY would be naming awards after prominent people for their contribution to the country. This exclusive report elaborates on the details.

Henceforth, the best actor would be given the 'Statue of Bulty' award to celebrate the historic nuclear deal which provided all the nuclear fuel that India needed to accomplish tasks which are no more harmful than aani pudungifying. [Pravunplugged comments : Honestly, we don't require nuclear fuel as long we have Aalo Parathas, but it is upto the government to realise.]

The best actress each year would get the 'Urgent Bathroom, Hence I Resign Gandhi' award since it is widely appreciated to name stuff after members of the Gandhi family. [Pravunplugged comments : Matter movie actresses viz. Bollywood heroines and people who hold similar offices of profit must be exempt from the category]

'Arey Haan Ji' award would be given to the best Music Director, who would be selected on the basis of their originality. This highly controversial stipulation rules out the Anu Malik and Deva families for their next seven generations. [Pravunplugged comments : Harris Jeyaraj must be given special consideration for his inclination towards the language of the Australian aboriginal's, who incidentally speak no known language and are infact non-existent in the first place]

Next on line is the 'Karumai Nira Kannan' award which honours the person with the most romantic expression in films which may include the rolling of the tongue and a romantic bite of one's own karugi pona lips, a naughty pinch on the hips, bambaram spinning etc. [Pravunplugged comments : Black Cat secoority must be provided to the affected heroine since the after effects can be deadly]

The best newcomer receives the 'Kokkara Kozhi Raasathi' award, which is a special category applicable to both the male and female gender. The award is to honour Top Star Prashanth, who has acted in 17 films in the last one year alone, fortunately none of which have been released. [Pravunplugged comments : Prashanth must stop acti..err...doing films]

The next award, the 'Sokkai Podaatha Swapna Sundari' award, is to encourage youngsters, who may have may not have talent but possess a lotsa other things which are vital in nature, to come up and show the world what they have got. [Pravunplugged comments: I volunteer myself to be the umpire at the next WTA tour, without salary and other perks]

To instill team spirit into the youngsters, MUMMY is also giving away a special 'Namma Ooru Paanjaali' award, which highlights the values of working together inspite of age barriers, ego clashes, salary issues and two extremely ugly faces. [Pravunplugged comments : Indha kodumai-ku Namitha nadicha matter padamey thevala]

The 'Kolangal Loosu Abi' award is for those people who possess a strong belief that a pinju pona Pondy Bazar handbag always holds enough money to help those in need, in short, it is for the mentally challenged. [Pravunplugged comments : A strong contender for this award is Saritha, who boldy and stupidly, agreed to wear TShirts in June R]

The last, but the most prestigious award is to kindle the scientific brains to come up with answers for baffling questions like - 'TR moonjila mudi molachu irukka, illa TR mudi-ku nadoola moonji molachu irukka' and 'How Simbhu missed the evolutionary process'. It will be known as the 'Karadu Kutti Veerasamy' award. [Pravunplugged comments : No comments!]

Disclaimer : If you really did believe all this crap, well, Happy Birthday!

King or Queen?

Lux has completed 75 years in the industry and it seems to be celebrating it in style by roping in Shahrukh Khan for their latest ad. At first glance, I was excited hoping to see a babe in the bathtub filled with rose petals a la American Beauty. But it was Shahrukh saying, "I am going to reveal my beauty secret - LUX", with one those 'provoking' looks. I had every reason to believe Mani Shankar Aiyar would schedule an appointment with him next week.

In an era obsessed with equality of women, every woman achiever is proudly hailed for venturing into fields dominated by men. Here we have an exception on our hands. One man ventures into unexplored grounds viz. a bath tub filled with rose petals that had long been associated with babes like Hema Malini, Sridevi, Juhi Chawla and Ravi Krishna. King Khan stands out. Thank heavens he did not choose to do it literally and was complacent to remain seated in his bath tub. Shahrukh's long hair, which I believed was for some film, started making more sense now. Just that they had to advance the ad shooting by a couple of months.

Beauty has invariably been associated with the female gender. It is nice to see a babe sitting in the bath tub with froth covering the essential areas alone and a smooth soap sliding on her smoother skin. The entire thing has a nice feel to it. It is thus complete injustice to have Shahrukh in such an ad just because he has this smoothy skin, totally waxed chest, long hair and willingness to jump into a rosy bath tub. If at all there is a sequel planned, I just hope they don't make Shahrukh, dressed in his undergarments, dance in some waterfall. Or else he might, for all you know, be forced to lead the protest by Mumbai bar dancers against the government.

An ad targetting men generally needs to cover all the galeej aspects - dripping sweat, dirty clothes, bacteria underarm to name a few. Why this formula, nobody knows. Probably they try to portray men as active and hardworking and show the consequences of being so. All prodcuts meant for men are thus extremely strong, including the red Lifebuoy that was once believed to be used in the construction of Red Fort. Men stink, but are condemned to a worse fate with Lifebuoy and so they stink further while women use fragrant soaps. This unwritten rule was not followed by Medimix and Margo and they ran out faster than Sibiraj films. The Lux ad is thus seen as a breaker of barriers. But replacing this by rose petal filled bath tub? We prefer to stink!

If the trend continues, we might end up seeing a whole lot of innovative ads. Radhika might be roped in for Gillette Mach3 considering she has more facial hair than most men while Murali who speaks in a very low tone might endorse Whisper. Ravi Krishna will be benefited the most with offers from both sides.

The ad was thus clearly an attempt to lure in more men to use Lux. Probably the bathtub could not be done away with coz it held some sentimental value and Shahrukh was victimised. With such a repelling portrayal, they'll get just two new customers - Mani Shankar Aiyar and Shahrukh himself. It would have been a lot better if Shahrukh was applying soap to some babe in the frothy tub. That's targeting the audience!!

King Khan must definitely get out of that tub as soon as possible. Hopefully that happens behind the scenes.