Sunday, January 22, 2006


My wish to post something serious this year has come true in the most cruel possible form. It caused me great pain to digest the news that my junior in college, Krithika, died in a train accident. Too saturated with grief to even shed tears.

She is one person I'd be grateful to all my life. One of the very few saintly souls that I happened to know in my life. A person who regarded me as her elder brother and made me feel important on numerous occasions. She has left a lasting impression despite me knowing her for a really short period in my life. Such feelings wouldn change no matter what. I just wish I had the chance to know her longer.

It's the second time in my life I am going through this phase of losing a real gem. Such people just don't deserve to die so young in their life.

May her soul rest in peace. I pray to god to give strength to her family members to face the loss of their only child.


2006 has been really hard for me. First, the CAT fiasco that made me lose interest in everything. After having finally put that behind me, I am faced with this loss. I know this would pass too, but at the moment I really dunno when. 2 days or 2 weeks, I don't know. Bye for now. See you guys soon.


Thursday, January 19, 2006

Myth : Marana Mokkai

I strongly recommend the latest Jackie Chan flick Myth to all you guys. I do not wish to be the only person who spent sixty bucks on a movie whose script was written on toilet paper. So, before you read the review, swear on god that you'd watch it and spread word so that 'we' don't feel left out!

Read Review . . .

Jackie Chan films, with their blend of action and comedy, are usually a good timepass. This, coupled with the thought of Mallika Sharawat in clothing that would easily pass as a shoe lace, was compelling enough for a group of guys to watch the movie. But the moment we saw Jackie Chan on screen, dressed in a warrior costume that even Ramarajan would think twice before touching, we knew Mallika and her shoe lace were going to be the saving grace of the film.

Jackie Chan plays the role of an archeologist who has weird dreams of rescuing a Chineese princess. I am not sure what his name in the film was, but after having watched loads of his movies I can make a sensible guess that it was Jack or Lee or Ch_n, where _ represents a vowel. For the sake of my typing comfort I'll assume it was Lee. As I was saying, Lee rescues the princess with his heroic efforts in his dreamworld. There is a great scene in which Lee ties a falling carriage to his waist with a rope and tries to pull it back to save the princess. The princess could have just stepped down from the carriage, but she doesn not, since she is bound by the Imperial Decree. By the Imperial Decree, a Chineese princess must not get out of her carriage. By the Imperial Decree, she must not touch a General. By the Imperial Decree, she is dumb.

Lee is extremely disturbed by these dreams. Understandably so, coz they get to live in a dark cave and nothing fruitful has happened yet. So, he puts in extra hours of sleep and tries his best, but no use as yet. Probably the perfectly dumb Chineese princess doesn't know 'how to', he thinks, and tries sleeping again. No use. The princess was indeed perfect.

Now Lee is approached by his friend who was doing some research in levitation and he wanted some help on it. But Lee wouldn't budge. He just wants to sleep and keep trying. The friend manages to lure Lee into it with sentimental stuff that's characteristic of Tamil cinema. He lies face down on a golf course with the golf ball on his rear and says to Lee, "I will trust you with my life, please come". Lee is terribly touched by this statement and takes his shot. The screen blacks out. "Lee, am glad I did not lie face up", says the friend. So Lee and his friend go to India for their research where they see this temple in which a Sadhu floats in the air. The friend does something stupid in the temple (no, he's not a Chineese princess), digs out some weird stone and the Sadhu gets a free trip to heaven. The friend escapes in a helicopter while Lee jumps into the water.

Mallika and her elephant, Lakshmi, rescue Lee from the water. "Look Lakshmi, a body", screamed Mallika. I did not care to look at Lee's body (I am not a Chineese princess). So I don't know how exactly he was rescued, but he was. "Good boy Lakshmi", said Mallika patting the elephant. I knew deep inside how stupid the director was to refer to Lakshmi as a boy. But with Mallika in a wet saree, I wouldn complain even if Lakshmi ate Butter Naan and Paneer Butter Masala.

Lee's dream was not succesful as yet. He wakes up to find Mallika dancing in some skimpy white clothing and decides the dumb Chineese princess can wait. Mallika takes Lee to a sottai mandayan whose words are just not as plain as his head. Lee and Mallika suddenly spot two policemen and utilise the opportunity to run away from the sottai mandayan. There is a small fight sequence in which Mallika breaks the myth (padam paeru mention panniyaachu, ellam kai thattunga!) that she wears undergarments. The censor board official probably sneezed at the right moment and missed what I saw, but am glad he sneezed. Lee then takes this circular boat that is used in paasathukkuriya Bharatiraja films and travels all the way to China.

The dreams continue but the sequence then shifts to a battlefield in which the soldiers wore costumes that were used in Paalayathu Amman veppalai dance. I don't know what the battle was for, but they ought to have realised that they were probably using stuff which Mallika was supposed to wear. Lee dies at the end of the battle. An anticlimax.

Lee decides to find the princess and goes searching along with his friend. They reach a cave finally. Lee loathed being there, for he remembered his dream in which a dumb princess had outsmarted him. A bit further, they see a masouleum and a huge army of dead soldiers lined up in rows, levitated by the meteorite stone. A dead army? I realised now that there was no point blaming the princess. It was genetic.

Lee wants to take the princess back home. She had afterall told him that she'd wait for him all her life. But she refuses to come. So, Lee decides to make his move right away and starts stripping. This was expected. Just as Vijaya T.R compulsarily has a sister in all his movies, Jackie Chan includes two standard scenes in his movies - One, his underwear has a smiley or a teddy bear placed at a strategic position. Two, darshan of his rear. Thumbprint is common, but bumprint is used only by Jackie Chan. Chineese people have infact seen it so many times that they are capable of identifying Jackie Chan just by looking at it. So, as I was saying, Lee strips. His friend nondifies a meteorite yet again and everything that was up, now begins to fall! Lee curses him and is forced to run for his life. The cave collapses and the audience applaud in joy that the film is finally over.

Jackie Chan, who is known for his bravery, proves it yet again by investing millions of dollars in this film. He has fought really well in the film, but the audience fought a greater fight trying to remain seated.

Ippadi oru mattamaana padatha idhu varaikkum yaarum eduthathu illai, inimaelum yaaralum edukka mudiyaathu! Indha maadhiri mokkai padatha vechundu enga thalaivar Captain-oda Perarasu release panna theater illaya?? Thookungada indha padatha!

PS : Maramando Part II next post-la puttings :)

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Maramando : Part 1

Buratchi Kalaignar Gabtun


'Kutti yaanai' 9thara


. . . the unbreakable head

Continue Reading Part 1

Joom sot into Vaaniyambadi Dr. Babar Kausar's Chittukuruvi Legyam Research Institute. Background ellam oru effect-kaaga blue-a irukkum, adhukkaga idha blue film edukkara edam-nu nenachudatheenga. Sutheevara orey test tubes and beakers. Adhaavathu ippadi ellam vecha oru oru research centre-aam. Nadoola namma doctor final year students-ku lecture kodukkaraaru . . .

Doctor : Brain is the most important part of the human body. Udambin mukkiyamaana paguthi moolai. It controls our sense. Namma unarchigal ellam moolai dhaan kattupaduthum.
Gumitha : Sir, neenga yaen Balachander padathula vara maadhiri English dialogue-a tamil-la translate pannitae irukeenga?
Doctor : Konjam moodittu irukkaya nee? 1 hr lecture kodunga-nu Principal sollitaaru, andha alavukku vishayam theriya vaendaama enakku?!
Gumitha : Sorry sir.
Doctor : So, as I was saying, the brain of an average man weighs about 2 kgs. Saraasari manidha moolai-in edai 2 kgs.
Gumitha : Sir idhu Chanakya pada trailer laenthu dhaaney copy adicheenga?
Doctor : Oh, neeyum andha trailer-a paathutaya?
Gumitha : Ada, adhula naan vaai-la veral-a vechundu dancey aadi irukkaen sir!
Doctor : Karmam nee dhaana adhu? Padikkartha thavira ellam pannu!
Gumitha : Next enna 95% of the human brain is filled with oxygen-a?
Doctor : Inga naan doctor-a illa nee doctor-a!
Gumitha : Oh neenga doctor-a? Sollave illa!
*bell rings*
Doctor : Nallavae-la bella adichuduchu. After class hours enna question ellam kaettu disturb pannarthu enakku pidikkathu. Naan en room-ku poraen, thank you!

*scene cut to library*

Friend : Namma final year project pannanum-la?
Gumitha : Aamam andha yezhavu vaera irukku.
Friend 2 : Inimae daily kaarthala 6-ku ezhunthu lets work on it di.
Gumitha : Kaalankaarthala ezhunthu panna adhu enna margazhi maasa bajanai-a?
Friend 2 : Unakku ippadi dhaan seriousness-ey kedayathu. Udambu vecha aandavan unakku moolai-a vekkala!
Gumitha : Adangu nee. Seri endha topic-la pannalam?
Friend : Marma saamiyaarin inba leelaigal topic-la pannalama? Adhu namma instituion-oda chittu kuruvi legyam research-ku romba useful-a irukkum.
Gumitha : Idhu Pilot theater-la release aara padam title maadhiri irukku!
Friend : Appo neeyae idea kodu.
Gumitha : Edhavathu oru famous personality-oda moolai-a aaraichu pannuvoma?
Friend 2 : Like?
Gumitha : George Bush?
Friend : Adhu romba kashtam.
Gumitha : Yaen?
Friend : First avar moolai-a kandu pudikka oru visaaranai commision vekkanum. Adhu kandu pudichu appuram project pannarthukkulla Deve Gowda mandailaye mudi molachidum.
Gumitha : Ayyoda. Ippo enna paannarthu?
Friend : Hey indha case file paaru... Vijay Munusamy. Interesting-a irukku.

Friend 2 : Ayyo paavam. Accident case nenaikkaraen. Face paaru evalo mosama damage aagi irukku.
Gumitha : Chi, adhu avar original photo di!
Friend : Hey, va ippove doctor kitta poi permission vaangidalam.

*scene cut to staff room. only gumitha goes in, others wait outside*

Gumitha : Naanga final year project panna porom.
Doctor : Nee konjam gundu dhaan. Adhukkaga unnaye plural-la refer pannika vaendaam ma, its ok.
Gumitha : (turns around and sees none of her friends around) Aiyyo ulla vaanga di, en maanam poguthu.
Doctor : Evalo paer pannareenga?
Gumitha : 11 paer sir.
Doctor : Ithu enna cricket team-a? Oru team-la 3 paer dhaan ma.
Gumitha : Illa sir, gumbal-a panna konjam jolly-a irukkum.
Doctor : Gumbal-a edukka idhu enna kaavadi-a? Project ma.
Gumitha : Seri sir. Naanga indha Vijay Munusamy case-la dhaan project panna porom sir.
Doctor : (shocked) NO. Pona varushama ippadi dhaan avara naer-la interview edukkaraen paervazhi-nu ponaan oruthan. On the spot ear-laenthu bleed aagi seththu poitaan.
Gumitha : Ear bleeding-a?
Doctor : Aamam. Avar pathi unakku theriyaathu. Avar oru aeroplane maadhiri.
Gumitha : Appadina?
Doctor : Speech start pannarchae kaathula panju vecha, adhu niruthara varaikkum edukka koodathu.
Gumitha : Edutha?
Doctor : Adhey panja mookula vechukka vaendiyathu dhaan!
Gumitha : Please sir. Romba interesting-a irukku sir.
Doctor : No, indha project-ku ungalukku permission kodukka maaten.
Gumitha : Seri sir, indha project dhaan illa. Atleast avar-oda problems ellam sollunga sir therinjukkarom.
Doctor : Avarukku aayiram prechanai irukkum. Adhellam en kitta vandhu solla naan enna Aunt Agony column-a nadatharaen!
Gumitha : Aiyo illa sir. Avaroda medical condition pathi sollunga.
Doctor : Oh adhuva. He is suffering from Short Term Memory Loss.
Gumitha : Gnabaga marathi-nu sollungalaen!
Doctor : Chi moodhevi. Idhu oru vyaadhi. 15 mins dhaan edhuva irundhalum gnabagam irukkum.
Gumitha : Enna kodumai sir idhu?
Doctor : Avar thalai-la yaaro balama irumbu rod-aala adichutaanga.
Gumitha : Appuram?
Doctor : Adhukku adutha naal Army leave vuttu ellarukkum chocolate ellam koduthaanga.
Gumitha : Oh avalo periya manushana avar... Seri, adhu enna sir vyaadhi Dang Dwist?
Doctor : Adhu for example, nee "toilet poitu varaen" appadinu en kitta eppadi solluva?
Gumitha : Naan toilet porathu yaen sir unga kitta sollanum! Enakku ennavo doubt-aave irukku. Doctor, unga nick name Prakash illaye?
Doctor : Aiyyo, oru example-ku sonnaen, sollu, eppadi solluva.
Gumitha : Toilet poitu varaen sir, appadinu solluvaen.
Doctor : Adhu avarala mudiyaathu. "Doilet Boitu Varaen Zir" abbadi...chi...appadinu dhaan solluvar avar.
Gumitha : Oh avarukku P seriya varaatha?
Doctor : Ennama asingama pesara!
Gumitha : Iyyo, alphabet sir.
Doctor : Oh, adhuva. Aaamam. Avarukku tongue konjam ullukkula sozhatti sozhatti indha vyaadhi vandhiduchu. Adhaan paeru Dang Dwist.
Gumitha : Ippo avar enga sir irukkaru?

*scene cut*

Oru door breakings and adhulaenthu dhoosi ellam kalambi one person fallings. Gabtun face-a joom panni kaattarom.
Bad Guy : Naan appove sonnaen-la?
Vijay : Ennathu?
Bad Guy : Door maela saayaatha, thaangaathu-nu sonnaeney, kaettaya?
Vijay : India-la moththam 4 kodi gathavu irukku. Adhula paint adicha gatahavin ennaikkai 3 kodi. Varnish bannatha gathavin ennikkai 1 kodi. Indha gathava dhaappa boattu matter bannavanga 1 kodiye 2 latchathi 17 aayiram baer. Dhaappa bodaama matter bannavanga 2 kodiye 4 latcham baer. Matter bannartha etti baarthathu naan oruthan dhaan da! Arricane-a irundhaalum seri, buyal-a irundhaalum seri, indha Vijay baer-a kaetta dhirumbi gadalukkae boidum!
Bad Guy dies on the spot.
Vijay : Dei, naan innum dialogue solli mudikkala, elunthuru da!

Vijay oru paper cutting vechu seththu ponavan face-um andha paper-la irukkara face-um match aagutha appadinu nalla checkings. Appuram adha photo eduthuttu he writes "Saapter Glose" and walks off as if nothing happened.

Police (Riyaz Khan) come to the scene and investigate. The villain (Lakshman) also comes with all his adiyaal to survey the scene. Riyaz benda down and checks everywhere and with one kuchi he nondifies one small bit of evidence.

Riyaz : Indha oru evidence pothum, avana seekiram pudichuduvaen!
Lakshman : Appadi enna evidence?
Riyaz : Idhu paarunga... (he shows a small tag with the number 180 written on it)
Lakshman : Ennathu idhu? Token-a?
Riyaz : Illa, pin pakkam paarunga Sudarmani appadinu ezhuthi irukku. So idhu kolaikaaran-oda jetty size-a dhaan irukkanum!
Lakshman : 180 cms-a? Appadi!
Riyaz : Correct, adhaan main clue. Normal-a kadai-la 105 cms size varaikkum dhaan jetty vipaanga. 180 cms-na kolaigaaran naera Tiruppur factory-la dhaan order panni irukkanum!
Lakshman : Brilliant inspector!
Riyaz : Jetty-la enna brilliant vaendi kedakku? Avan en kitta vasamaa maatikittan! Poraen, innikkae Tiruppur poi complete-a visaarikkaraen!

To be continued . . .

P.S. : Ticket rates one Google amukks ellarum pichai podunga

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Friday, January 06, 2006

Looking back at 2005

2005 remains a truly forgettable year plainly because of the number of disasters that caused great damage to life and property. Minus that, and you are left with a huge bunch of funny events.

2005 saw the wrath of mother nature. After tripping over and causing a tsunami with her dance in the sets of Ghajini, Nayanthara was fortunately bedridden. However, South Asia experienced numerous aftershocks in the beginning of the year. The Central Beero of Investigation probed into the issue and brought the situation under control by ordering the Telugu dance masters to refine their dance steps immediately. Another major quake rocked Bakistan after Gabtun sky dived into the gamps of the deeviravaadhis and fell on his butt. The death toll was close to 30K, but Captain escaped unhurt.

Meanwhile, several hurricanes battered the US of A and the people were clueless about how to face them in future. Condoleeza Wheat suggested the screening of Shakthiman everyday at prime time to scare away the hurricanes. The idea clicked. After watching one episode, the people of Florida moved out faster than the hurricane and Wilma refused to go past Mexico. Wheat said, "We are considering changing our national emblem from Bald Eagle to Bold Shaktiman."

Floods in Chennai are usually as common as hot babes in the IITs. However, incessant rains this year flooded Chennai, Bangalore and Mumbai. Aerial surveys were conducted by all party leaders who had not been on a helicopter earlier. Mr. Mike Mohan Singh exclaimed, "The ride was breathtaking. I wonder why Essel World and Kishkintha don't have such rides. The fan, however, was outside the chopper. I will discuss with Ponia ji to change the design. Either the fan must be inside or I must be outside!"

The American President George Bush waged a war on Iraq because he suffered from severe constipation. The British Prime Minister Tony Blair supported the move since his dog suffered similar symptoms. After 1.5 million deaths, Saddam was taken to court, where he was found guilty of possessing biological weapons when he let out a loud fart. Bush's constipation has cleared up now, but the judge and the jury have got their nose blocked.

The dumbness of many Indian ministers was exposed when they were caught on cam taking money for asking questions in the Parliament. One of them agreed to ask the Honourable Speaker what he did during his summer vacations, while the other one, addressed to the Prime Minister wanted to know why Margazhi Kutcherys were held in RR Sabha, Narada Gana Sabha etc but not in Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha.

Natwar Singh and his son were caught in the food-for-oil scam. The BJP leaders demanded that Natwar resign. Natwar failed to oblige. Manmohan Singh was under fire from them as well. He turned a deaf ear to them. They then demanded that Congress President Sonia Gandhi resign. She didn't care either. Thus, with no other choice, Advani resigned.

India's most brilliant Captain Saurav Ganguly, who had an average between Pi and 2Pi in his last twenty innings, was surprisingly dropped from the squad. The Prince of Kolkatta was so talented that he could bat at any position for full two minutes (action replay time inclusive). Greg Chappel sent a confidential e-mail regarding this to Mr. Raj Singh Dungarpur, which was published in the newspaper before it reached his mailbox.

Sharat Pawar, who knows as much about cricket as Mandira Bedi, now heads the BCCI. India thus became the only country in the world where a politician is in charge of cricket, an actor in charge of administration and a buffoon in charge of the Railway Ministry.

Sania Mirza took the whole of India by storm after she jumped around the court in skimpy clothing. She has a cute face with glamorous eyes, tiny pink lips, terrific thighs, sexy hips and a great figure. And if I remember right, she plays Tennis.

Rajnikant made a comeback as Dr. Saravanan; Dr. Bradley's first disciple. (Enna koduma Vasu idhu?) Vasu spent around 20 crores to buy Eyetex for Jothika's eyes and 10 crores to buy Tantex to cover up Prabhu and Ramkumar. Ramkumar also made a special guest appearance in the film, which incidentally was the most scary scene in the film.

Shankar managed a comeback too, with Anniyan. The film was initially given an A certificate since there were too many close-ups of Sodha..err..Sadha. However, Shankar corrected it with graphics. Those close-ups were later printed on pumpkins during Ayudha Pooja and were a huge success.

Ghajini, another superhit movie, was Surya's biggest hit of his career. Though Surya's dance steps in the film reminded the audience of the Bagyaraj of yesteryear, gals somehow appreciated it and found him oh-so cute. The film was a big opportunity for Nayanthara to showcase her talents. After seeing this film director Ramanarayanan has signed her for his next film where she plays the lead role of Ganesa. Sodha co-stars as Ramu. [For the uninitiated, Ganesa and Ramu are traditional names of elephant and monkey in Tamil films]

Verdict on Cheran's Thavamai Thavamirundhu is not yet out. The first show of the film, which started at Dec 9th at 11:00 AM, is still going on. Theater owners want the film trimmed since they believe they will be unable to accommodate the Pongal releases. According to the latest information, Cheran stopped his cycle at Coimbatore for a tea break on his way to Kargil. Realistic cinema at its best.

Pop King, Michael Jackson, was accused of sharing his bed with kids and molesting them. However, he was cleared by the jury, who said, "No kid in his right mind could afford looking at Mr. Jackson at such close range and then survive to tell about it". It may be noted that Jackson had undergone 4x1011 plastic surgeries to change his face into something like that of Ravi Krishna.

Britney Spears became the proud mom of a baby boy. Britney was uncertain about the child's surname as she could not pin point a single person. She was clueless as to who got lucky and who didn't. The matter was resolved with a lucky draw, the results of which were published in Tamizh Murasu. Ticket number 3,27,085 was declared the winner. Summa nachchunu irukku!

Yuvan Shankar Raja had a great 2005 with really nice albums to his credit. However, it is greatly advised that he visits the bathroom and eases himself before he sings. A couple of bananas a day might help if he suffers from the same problem as George Bush and Tony Blair's dog.

Srikanth Deva and Sabesh Murali received Matrix and Warriors of Heaven and Earth sound tracks respectively as a birthday gift from Deva. Greatly inspired by these masterpieces, they have used it in every other film of theirs, as a tribute.

Matter Saamiyar Chaturvedi was released after he proved in court that the man in the video was not him. He argued that he did not have a machcham in the iduppu and urged the judges to watch the clip again. The fear of watching a matter video starring Chaturvedi, who was like a hairy version Captain's younger brother, made the judges skip the video and pass the judgement.

Bill Gates, during his visit to Chennai, met the DMK chief Mr. Karunanidhi to discuss the development of IT sector in Chennai. After one and half hour of thorough discussion, they decided that Bill Gates did not know Tamil and Karunanidhi did not know English and that it was best to say "bye", for that's the only common word they knew.

The name of a popular gameshow on Jaya TV, Jackpot, was aptly changed to Jacket. Kushboo's massive collection of torn blouses have been displayed at the Madras Museum for the 'pinnala vara sangathigal'. Since words like inflation, economy, market, export etc made no sense to political parties, they decided to shift their focus towards Kushboo's jacket, which is of utmost importance for a developing country like India.

The biggest disappointment of 2005 was that there were no Captain films!! 2006 is in for a double treat with Perarasu and Sudhesi both looking good!!

Have a blast this year folks, as there can be no better reason to celebrate!! Hope u guys had a great new year! :-)

Disclaimer : All facts stated in the above post are fictitious :)


P.S. : With this post, me ends my self-imposed exile

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