Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Thanks a ton people!!

Fourteen months. Hundred and twelve posts. One lakh hits. Yaayy!!

Thanks a million to all those people who've visited this space, including the guy who came her looking for "Nayanthara wet saree pics" and vowed never to come back again after he learnt from my blog that Nayan was too big to be covered in a saree; and the mami who landed her searching for guidelines to make a "Kambi Padam" for her pori urundai!

Every new blogger on the block has just two things in his mind. One, to increase the blog traffic. Two, to increase the number of comments that he gets. If you disagree, then you'd probably record 8.2 Richter in a polygraph test. The easiest way to get both done, is being a hot girl or atleast pretend to be one. I used to be spellbound by their capacity to stir up 179 comments for a "I am having loose motion" blog, that includes 150 'take cares' and 29 odd suggestions to try Andial tablet, M-seal, cork etc. Narayana, indha alanjaanunga thollai thaanga mudila da. Orey kushtamappa. Since I was neither smart enough to know this strategy earlier, nor was I rich enough for a sex change operation, I was terribly stuck up with a useless blog.

It was Google which helped me increase traffic in a strategic manner by directing people searching for "Dikkilona", "Under skirt pics", "White wet saree pics" to this blog. Though such referrers made me feel as if I was the owner of Desibaba, I was extremely happy, desibaba is a popular site nonetheless. There were people who wanted to see Trisha and Kushboo taking bath and came her with great hope. Sorry to disappoint you guys. If at all you succeed in your quest, please forward them to pravunplugged@gmail.com. Am equally keen.

The spammers deserve a mention too for earnestly offering me best deals to buy anything from golf clubs to viagra pills and simultaneously making the number of comments look more impressive. I have no idea why they thought I'd be interested in playing a game as stupid as golf. It's got the fundamentals absolutely wrong. You are supposed to put the ball in the hole asap. No wonder its dumb.

I get few mails as well, from those who are not upset with my blog, for they did not come her looking for 'Mallika Sherawat Topless'. My favourite, is a mail from a Captain fan requesting me to send nice pics of Captain Vijaykant. Whatever made him think that 'nice' pics of Captain were a possibility. I din want to disappoint him anways and so I tried to upload some pics to the Google server and send it to him. Understandably, the server crashed.

Special thanks to all those who've linked me on your space despite me being a guy. Ungalukku ellam periya manasu. Neenga ellam 16 pethu big life vaazhuveenga

I realise I've been highly dormant in the past couple of months and you guys have been visiting despite that. Adhukkum thanks!!

I've said so many thanks in this post. So let me follow the protocol and mention that Mother Teresa is my role model and I'll strive for world peace!

Thank you and keep visiting!!!


Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Bird Flu Bible

The detection of bird flu in India has caused great panic in many parts of the country, especially among those organisms which are apparently not birds, viz. humans. However, the birds, being the second most dim-witted creatures after George W Bush, bite the dust even before they realise that they need to panic. Thus, as an owner of a socially conscious blog, I have decided to write in detail about bird flu, so that fellow humans stop panicking and the birds realise that it's high time they start panicking.

Avian Influenza, which is better known as 'Bird Flu' among humans and simply as a 'Darned F*cking Cold' among the birds, is caused by a H5N1 Influenza virus. These sets of influenza viruses are incidentally part of an elite group of viruses that have names as dumb as those for U.S. visas. They are generally contained in the intestines of wild migratory birds, which use them as a lethal weapon when a domestic bird refuses to comply to the wild bird's demands of a one night stand. The wild birds live up to their name and go wild over the fact that they had travelled half the bloody globe just to be shown the middle claw by these desi birds. Hence, they pass on the H5N1 virus to the domestic birds which catch a really bad cold and sneeze so hard that the neighbouring domestic bird threatens it to either leave the farm or watch Aadi and Sivakasi back to back. As I said, being the second most dim-witted species on earth, they choose the latter and inevitably die.

The first case of bird flu was reported in China a year ago. It slowly spread to other species in China including snakes, squids, sea-horses, octopuses, crabs, monkeys, caterpillars, centipedes, millipedes, cockroaches etc etc, as a result of which one quarter of the Chineese population died of starvation. The Chineese birds were understandably the dumbest in their species since most of them were bound by the Imperial Decree, which explains why it all started there. (Trivia : The only non-Chineese to be bound by the Imperial Decree is George W Bush) From China, the disease spread to Thailand, Malaysia, Russia and other neighbouring nations except India where the migratory birds dare not set their claws since they heard Salman Khan was on a killing spree (one half of the casualties were shot dead by Salman himself and the other half died of disgust, watching the man topless for the 1754th time in two years). As soon as he was thrown into jail, the deer population threw a party with chants of 'Get a life, and a shirt, Salman!'. Tons of birds and animals, including Deve Gowda, attended the feast. It was during this time that a drunk wild bird approached to a desi chick for some fun, for which the desi bird said, "Saale, mein mar hee tho jaaon, par thumhare saath matter nahi karoonga" (Meaning : I'd rather watch a Karan Johar film instead of sleeping with you). Thus began the outbreak of bird flu in India.

Bird flu spreads at a rapid rate from one bird to another and is thus as fatal as watching a close-up shot of S.J. Suryah at midnight. The fatality rate for the former is however a meagre 90% in comparison to 100% for the latter. The virus spreads through the mucus and droppings of the infected bird and it is thus highly advised that these domestic birds form a Panchayat headed by a Naatamai and cage-a vittu othukki vechufy the infected birds or risk death. If the infected bird fails to comply, the Dubai technique of throwing stones is recommended. This process is widely known as 'cull-ing'. The humans, however, don't need to worry as long as they are not inquisitive enough to analyse bird droppings and mucus, or Japaneese enough to bite raw chicken.

The symptoms of bird flu are fever, cold and a severe running nose. If you become really really weak and end up saying, "What the bloody hell is wrong with me?!", it's time to see a doctor at the earliest. The doctor might advise you to take ECG, EEG, urine test, stool test, X-Ray of your right leg and a scan of your brain and analyse it greatly, by which time you might be dead. If you die, then the doctor confirms that you had an acute case of bird flu, or else it was just a bloody cold for which you had spent 25K like a nutter.

The Government is taking all necessary steps to contain the outbreak. As a first step, Salman has been released on bail. The deer population immediately announced a 'Fast until Death' protest in a remote forest area which was so remote that the Government din get to hear it. So they decided that it was better to return to their habitat and start grazing instead of trying to reach the ears of the Government past Manmohanji's turban-ed ears. Next, the authorities are culling the poultry in a 10km radius from the outbreak with special attention to those who attended the "Get a life, and a shirt, Salman!" party. The Parliament has banned chicken, turkey, duck and Laloo from the entering the Parliament. The Border Security Force has recommended huge cut-outs of Laloo to be placed along the Indian border in an attempt to scare away the even the wildest of birds. The RSS is pressurizing the Government to cancel all permissions given to latenight parties saying that it was the anti-cultural activities that caused the disease. They also hailed the chicken which said, "Saale, mein mar hee tho jaaon, par thumhare saath matter nahi karoonga" since it displayed a great deal of respect for our cultural values.

Down here in Tamil Nadu, all hospitals are on a high alert. The Chief Minister has also ordered that actor Ajith Kumar be quarantined because of his suspicious looks. There was little confusion over whether S.J.Suryah was affected, but that was clear after the actor showed his childhood photos and proved that he'd looked the same right from childhood.

So spread word guys. Please don't pan. . . *achoooo* *sniff*. . .ic.

Was with this really hawt chic named Asin yesterday. I doubt if hawt chics can cause bird flu as well. Why else would I be sneezing? :-)

Disclaimer : All names used are fictitious. Any resemblences to anybody living or dead are fictitious as well

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Maramando : Part 2

After having succesfully gilled one bad guy, Gabtun has to go home soon and decides to gatch an aaddo. He however had no idea that his jetty tag had been left at the grime zeen. Ordinary-a aaddo budicha Gabtun fans kova baduvaanga-nu, avungala blease banna Gabtun bulti adichu, kaathula baranthu boi oru running auto munnadi land aagi foo-nu oodhararu. Driver loses gondrol and stops the aaddo.

Continue reading Maramando . . .

Driver : Dei, auto vaenumna kai kaamchu nirutha maattiya?
Gabtun : En vazhi, thani vazhi!
Driver : Appo nadanthey po!!
Gabtun : Aaddo varuma varaatha?
Driver : Varaathu.
Gabtun : Enga enna baathu sollu, en ganna baathu sollu.
Driver : Indha iruttula nee theriyarthey periya matter, idhula specific-a un kannu ellam paaka mudiyaathu!
Gabtun : Meter-ku maela nooru roobai tharaen.
Driver : Nee okkantha auto-ve nasungidum, idhula nee kodukkara 100 roobai vechu naan enna Marutius-ku poi matter-a panna mudiyum?
Gabtun : 1000 roobai tharaen, varuviya?
Driver : Dei, enna da night time highways-la gujili-a koopdara maadhiri koopadra? Irundhaalum nee ivalo kenji kaekkarthaala naan varaen. Enga poganum?
Gabtun : Indha boto baar.
Driver : Idhula enna?
Gabtun : Nalla baar.
Driver : 1st Cross, Beasant Nagar-nu ezhuthi irukku. Adhukku enna?
Gabtun : Anga dhaan boganum.
Driver : Ada naathaari naaye, adha neeyae padichu sollarthukku enna? Indha yezhavukku oru colour photo veraya?
Gabtun : Enaggu Sort Tarm Memary Lass ba.
Driver : Oho. Adhu enna Beasant Nagar 1st cross, 2nd cross-nu?
Gabtun : Beasant Nagar-la motham 278 gross irukku, adhula mudhalavathu gross-a first gross-nu, rendavathu gross-a second gross-nu.....< Driver : No, no, never! Paavi, Short Term Memory Loss-la idhellam marakka maattiya da nee? Seri okkanthu thulai!

Gabtun reaches his house showing three other photos to the driver each of which contained one line of address including pin code. Driver-ku semma kaduppu. Enga vaai koduthu maatinduduvomo-nu bayathula he kept quiet. Gabtun meets the watchman in his abartment.

Gabtun : Neenga...?
Watchman : Abdul Kalam-oda right hand.
Gabtun : Enna??
Watchman : Pinna...light blue shirt and dark blue pant poattu, kai-la lathi and whistle-oda suththara naan enna US Ambassador-ava iruppaen? Watchman dhaan.
Gabtun : India-la motham...
Watchman : Neenga edhuvum pesa venaam. Unga veedu 2nd floor-la rendavathu veedu. Edhavathu help vaenumna enna please kooptudaatheenga. Pona vaaram dhaan kaathu operation pannirukaen. Unga kitta pesina uyirukku aabathu-nu doctor solli irukkar.

*Scene cut. Riyaz Khan is investigating about the jetty tag in Tirupur*

Riyaz : Inga Sudarmani-ngarthu?
Manager : Naan use pannara brand dhaan sir sollunga.
Riyaz : Adhu enga manufacture panreenga?
Manager : Sudarmani jetty-a Disney Land-laya manufacture pannuvaanga. Inga dhaan factory-la.
Riyaz : Unga factory-a naan suthi paakalama?
Manager : Sorry sir, adhukku warrant vaenum. Jetty-la naanga latest designs poattuttu irukkom, trade secret, veliya theriya koodathu.
Riyaz : Jetty-ey veliya theriyaathey! Perusa super-man-ku jetty thayarikkara maadhiri peethikkareenga?!
Manager : Irundhaalum adhu enga mudhalaali-oda order sir. Jetty-a kaatta mudiyaathu.
Riyaz : Appo atleast enakku unga customers pathi info kedaikuma?
Manager : Yes.
Riyaz : Neenga all sizes jetty produce pannareengala?
Manager : Ofcourse. Thevai patta tailor vechu thechu tharuvom!
Riyaz : 180cm-ku yaaravathu jetty vaangi irukaangala unga kitta?
Manager : One second sir, en database-a paathu sollaraen.
Riyaz : Oru naatham pudicha jetty-a thaeda oracle database-a? Idhellam too much-a illa?
Manager : Rendu paerukku dhaan sir thechirukkom.
Riyaz : Avunga paer and address vaenum.
Manager : First. Ganesa, Temple Elephant, Guruvayoor, Kerala.
Riyaz : Innonnu??
Manager : Vijay Munusamy, 1st Cross, Beasant Nagar, Chennai, TamilNadu.
Riyaz : Perfect! Avar photo irukkuma?
Manager : Inga dhaan sir irundhuchu, but ippo illa. Dhrishti pooshanikkai-la print panna bayangara demand irundhuchu. So avungalukku vithuttom. Oru oru pooshinikkai-kum engalukku royalty kidaikkum.
Riyaz : Oh. Ungalukku andha moonji gnabagam irukka?
Manager : No, daily kanavula vandhu bayamauruthuthu-nu maranthuttaen!
Riyaz : But 180cm jetty-na adhu kandippa measure panni dhaan thechirupeenga, right?
Manager : Yes sir.
Riyaz : Appo andha tailor-a naan paaka mudiyuma?
Manager : Sure.
Riyaz : Konjam urgent.
Manager : Bathroom pakkathula dhaan irukku. Don worry, naanga cam ellam edhuvum fit pannala. Dheiriyama poitu vaanga.
Riyaz : Aiyyo, naan tailor-a seekiram paarkanum sonnaen sir.

*Manager informs over phone to bring the tailor. After 5 mins one man comes inside the room*

Tailor : May I come in sir?
Manager : Idhellam veliya ninnu kaekka vaendiya kelvi! Anyways ivar un kitta edho kelvi kaekkanumaam.
Riyaz : Vijay Munusamy-ku jetty thechathu neenga dhaana?
Tailor : Yes sir.
Riyaz : Avar face ungalukku gnabagam irukka?
Tailor : Yes sir. Urundai-a theenju pona paanai maadhiri moonji. Kunnakudi neththi pottu maadhiri red-a kannu. South Indian Amul Baby. Enna colour mattum konjam butter-la kari-a kalantha maadhiri irukkum.
Riyaz : Eppadi ivalo proper-a gnabagam vechirukeenga?
Tailor : Rendu inch tape idhu varaikkum vaera yaarukkum use pannathey illa.>
Riyaz : (shows the tag to the taior) Idhu avarthu dhaana?
Tailor : Kandippa sir. Idhula 180cm, Sudarmani-nu ezhuthinathu naan dhaan!
Riyaz : Thanks a lot! Indha case mattum naan solve pannina, ungalukku commisioner kitta solli puthu jetty vaangi tharaen. Bye!

*Riyaz Khan now starts towards Gabtun's house. Scene cut*

*Gabtun has now reached his house and looks into his room. Sevuru ellam kirukki irukku, oru map maadhiri...to "find im and gill im"..Desk full-a naraya snaps...velakkari photo, thoattakaari photo, paalkaari photo appadinu Gabtun-ku yega patta figure contacts. Gabtun adhellam uththu paarthu konja neram sight adikkaraaru, giving romantic looks and biting his theenju pona lips. Appuram Gabtun udambula kuththi irukkara pachai ellam padichu, adhula irukkara instructions follow banna try bannaraar. But avar skin colour-ku kuththina pachai oru yezhavum kannukku therila. So udambula torch light adichu onnu onna padikkaraaru. Gabtun thodai-la oru message "Save Here" appadinu. So Gabtun starts saving there, and adha sutheevara save panna oru 3 hrs aaguthu. Riyaz Khan meanwhile slowly enters the room and he sees Gabtun shaving the thodai. Gabtun-a paarthu bayanthu poi, orama he sits telling Sashti Kavasam and waiting for Gabtun to be done with it. Methuva Gabtun pakkama poi oru kattai-aala Gabtun mandai-la adikkaraaru. Kattai thool thool-a odanju poiduthu. Gabtun turns back and stares at Riyaz. Riyaz bayathula mayakkam boattu fallings*

*After sometime, Riyaz slowly opens his eyes and finds himself tied in a chair. Gabtun is sitting in front of him with a diary*

Riyaz : Enna pannara?
Gabtun : Naan en gathai solla boraen un kitta. Flasbak.
Riyaz : Adhukku edhukku enna katti vechirukka?
Gabtun : En kooda yaarum besave maataengraanga. Bayanthu odaraanga. Adhaan unna gatti vechiruggaen.
Riyaz : Karichettikku black paint adicha maadhiri oru moonji vechukittu irundha ellarum odaama enna pannuvaanga?
Gabtun : Enakkku enna guraichal?
Riyaz : Ellam jaasthi-a irukku, adhaan kurai!
Gabtun : Naan udambu kuraikka Exorcise bannaen. Aana use illa.
Riyaz : Udambu kuraikka pei verattiniya??
Gabtun : Chi chi. Udarpayirchi. Exorcise.
Riyaz : English varala-na vittu thulaiyaen! Adhu exercise!
Gabtun : Ogo. Seri ippo gathai gaelu nee.
Riyaz : Dei nee dhaan irutta irukka, atleast veetla light-aavathu poattu vidu da, bayama irukku!
Gabtun : Su. Besaama gathai gaelu.

*Gabtun opens the diary*

To be continued...

PS 1 : Public Service ads running-naala no ticket charges this time. Besides this is the second version of Part 2 I've written. Touch vittu poachu! So, free show

PS 2 : I shall be more regular henceforth, provided no more sodhanais come my way. Padu mattamaana 2006! Aappu maela aapu vechings!

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