Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Women's Day : The Complete Story

Today, millions of women across the globe are celebrating their social, political, cultural and economic achiemevents which have aided in their transformation from mere objects of pleasure to really powerful objects of pleasure. So, as always, I am commiting myself to analysing the scenario and spreading awareness about how woman have been smart enough to acquire a day for themselves and are really happy celebrating it, while the still smarter men are extremely pleased to silently watch the group of girls in such celebrations.

Let me warn you before hand that the analysis shatters the myth that women had been suppressed for many years. It's based on the fact that women suffered at the hands of men for decades and inflicted suffering for centuries. So it's basically like Da Vinci Code : totally exciting and completely false.

It all started off long long ago, so long ago that nobody could say how long ago.

Creation of Universe
God was busy creating the universe and he had only 7 days for that task. However God, being God, handled it all like a child's play. "Let there be light", he said and there was light. "Let there be animals", he said and there was the Vijaya TR family. After God received complaints of ear bleeding from their fellow animals, he thought that Vijaya TR must be made to sleep to prevent ecological imbalance. So he said, "Let there be darkness", and consequently there was Dr. Prakash and Sivakasi Jayalakshmi. Finally, the tough part. Humans. After putting a lot of thought, God created man first. He thought to himself : Umm, I can definitely do much better! He tried again and this time created woman. Now he thought : Damn my overconfidence, I swear on God, yeah that's me, that I'd never try again! Thus came two of the most important species on planet earth.

1589 BC
Man and woman did not know the very purpose of their existence in this cruel world, for there were no porno movies then. They were pretty stupid. Woman had however discovered a new weapon - her speech, one that continued to torture man for centuries to come. The fact that the speech consisted mainly of "Grrr", "Tutt tutt" and "Baa Baa Boo" did not make matters by any means soothing. Man could speak too, but he was usally left speechless, understandably so, since they had not discovered as yet that leaves could be used for clothing.

483 BC
The torture was on the rise with the woman's lexicon increasing a rapid pace and man had to find out some way to cope up. "Baa Grrr", he used to curse the guy who, of all things to do in the world, discovered clothes. If that was not enough, he haid to pay 10 pebbles for a plankton leaf skirt and coconut leaf tops for her, while there was just one type of clothing for himself- cactus briefs, which he figured he'd rather stay without.

12 AD
It was in this year that the female domination faded away a little. Man had effectively devised a method to make his female partner finally shut up. Gopale Kissne, a native of France, discovered the solution while administering mouth-to-mouth on a hawt chic and got really excited that the chic choked to death. This was later named after Kissne and came to be known French Kiss. This was, however, not a definitive solution since for figures like Soha Ali Khan, the tip of the nose was 1.4 km from the face and this made the approach difficult. Nonetheless, a revolutionary breakthrough had been made.

638 AD
In accordance with Darwin's theory of evolution, which was non-existant then, women learnt to adapt after 500 odd years of suppression. It took them such a huge span of time to realise that they could cry and use it effectively against the menfolk. So they started crying day in and day out, without glycerine, without provocation, without Ekta Kapoor and Karan Johar. All men hate tears, except Karan Johar ofcourse, and by the same non-existant Darwin's theory they knew that it would take around 500 years for them to adapt. Why the hell did the non-existant theory have to be so slow? That was still a mystery obviously because the theory was still non-existant.

1256 AD
The solution did come, but it was an expensive one. The male gender decisively concluded that to stop the tears women had to be distracted. They had to be involved in something that enchanted them. Something stupid, coz that's what girls fall for. So, men decided to send them off shopping. The possibilities were never ending since every woman was capable of identifying the difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black. Men were not allowed to accompany them, since women felt it was sacrilegious that men were incapable of spotting discernible variations between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black, which the men gladly accepted. Woman were thus under control, yet again.

1859 AD
Darwin proposed his theory of natural selection exactly ten years before the birth of Mahatma Gandhi. Not that this adds any significance to our analysis, just that I know these details.

1909 AD
Women finally started realising that shopping had distracted them so much that they did not even know the really obvious fact Mahatma Gandhi was forty years old, Nehru was twenty and most importantly that there was no difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black. So they decided to protest, make their presence felt and get back to shopping first thing the next day morning. A National Conference for Women was held to spread awareness and this was attended by 3 women from 5 countries (two of them had dual citizenship), who decided that it din matter if Mahatma Gandhi was forty and went on to discuss why one of them was wearing a Blackish Black earring for a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black dress (some people held their beliefs that these were two distinct colours and that those who believed otherwise were men). The conference made waves all over the world and all women finally decided that it din matter to them if Mahatma Gandhi was forty.

1917 AD
Women in Russia demanded bread, peace, cheese and a diamond ring from the Czar on the last Sunday of February. The Czar decided to hold a meeting with women and settle the issue.

Czar : So, what is it that you people want?
Woman : (After was a quiet discussion with all her mates) Nothing.
Czar : Nothing?
Woman : (After another quiet discussion) Yeah, nothing.
Czar : Then whay are you out here protesting?
Woman : The shops are all closed on Sunday. We heard you were free, so we thought we'd just drop in.
Czar : Do you demand bread, peace, cheese and a diamond ring?
Woman : (After yet another quite discussion) Yes.
Czar : Ok, peace. Granted.
Woman : You are giving us only peace. What about the bread, cheese and diamond ring?
Czar : I mentioned peace as in lets have peace between us.
Woman : We are not going down so cheap. We want the bread, cheese and diamond ring too.
Czar : Ok ok. So you get the bread, cheese and diamond ring. Happy?
Woman : Now, what about the peace, you bastard!

The Czar abdicated. This historic day later came to be celebrated as woman's day; the last Sunday of February.

1925 AD
There cropped up a problem with having the celebration on the last Sunday of February. A teaser ad which did the rounds on lotsa television channels, "Sunday-na rendu" became so popular that the men started to read between the lines. They took it as a Government request to the public and implemented it with full vigour. By the time the Government explained that it was not a sex drive, the TVs had been switched off. So, Sunday was ruled out. The date for the event was decided with an overwhelming majority by the same 3 women from the same 5 countries, two of whom had dual citizenship. It would be March 8th, they said and so it is.

1975 AD
God is believed to have made a secret attempt in this year, breaking his vow that he'd never ever try to create another species. Ravi Krishna was born. "Old age, I need rest...whoever forced me to do this", he said under his breath and disappeared.

2005 AD
With the verdict of the 3 women from 5 countries still under effect, women have made great progress in all spheres, rendering men jobless at times. As a desperate measure to turn the tables, Shahrukh "Queen" Khan stepped into the bathtub with rose petals reassuring the world that men and women are equal.

Women now have an equal footing in the developed sections of the society and are revered all over the world. However, shopping still distracts them so much that they still do not know that if Mahatma Gandhi had been alive today he'd be 137 years old!

Happy Women's Day!!

Disclaimer : The above analysis is false to the best of the profound knowledge of a person who knows Mahatma Gandhi was born in 1869 and most importantly that there is indeed no difference between a Blackish Black and a Very Very Dark Blackish Blacker Black.

: On a serious note, the least I could do . . . Please Go here

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