Monday, February 14, 2005

Single on Valentine's day?

Finally, the day has arrived. Valentine's day has been gaining importance gradually and by now it is one of the most important days on a calendar. Beaches, parks, coffee shops, discotheques and restaurants are inundated with people and gift shops are stacked up with loads of gifts. It has become a festival of its own kind.

Valentine's Day, however, is the most irritating for somebody who is single. This blog is to help out all you guys who are dying to get over the gloom which surrounds you on this very day. You can be as happy as they are, cheer up. Read through this FAQ and who knows, by the end of the day you may actually find a valentine!

What is Valentine's day?
Just a special day to express your love to anybody. Just tell them you love them. You can go straight to your mom and say, "I love you". However, if you are hell bent upon having a girlfriend, a lover, then this does not work. Infact you may even end up badly bruised or bruised depending upon whether the girl is wearing high heels or normal shoes.

How important is my language when I propose?
Very important. You should know perfectly well what you are trying to convey. "Do you love me?" entirely different from "Will you make love to me?". This is a very common mistake. On Feb 15th, you usually see a lot of names on the obituary columns. Now you know why.

What about my outift?
You need to be dressed in your best outfit. Just in case your definition of a best outfit is a sleeveless t-shirt with a bell-bottomed pant, then feel free to ask others for suggestions. It may even be a nice idea to know what the girl's taste is. Wear what she likes the best.

You mean Salwar??
No, not that! You can as well wear you favourite outfit instead! I meant some menswear that would suit her taste. Say a t-shirt and jean?

Any specific colours prefered?
Good question. Actually each colour is associated with some meaning. Wearing red means you are already in to some relationship.

Is that the significance of saying "red light areas"?
No. You are getting off the topic, this is Valentine's day!

Ok, can I wear black then?
And make it look like a funeral? That suits after marriage, don't be in a hurry.

Ok, then which is better?
Green. It actually signifies that you are single and looking for someone. But make sure it is easy on the eyes. You may be a fan of Ramarajan, but don't let others know it. Girls don't appreciate it actually.

Green pants too?
Hmm. It's fine if your girl is from Andhra.

Humans and dogs will chase you alike and you will be stoned to death.

Do I gift her something?
You must.

A card and a rose. Would that do?
No wonder you are single.

How about a teddy bear with a heart?
Yeah, they find it cute. But there is another factor - if your girl's friends get something costlier than what you have given her, then you are doomed.

How about some chocolates too?
Good enough. But they should all be pretty expensive. Don't think on the lines of Eclairs and Nutrine Maha Lacto. Seen those huge boxes of chocolates in big stores? The ones you always wished that someone gets you as a gift? Those.

Oh god, anything else I need to give?
Flowers are good too. But again, to satisfy her you need to own a Brindavan Garden atleast.

So how do I propose?
First make sure you adhere to all the above advices properly. Then google for some catchy sentimental line to propose. Like these. I would personally recommend No.6 on that list coz just in case things don't go all that well, you'll be atleast satisfied a bit. And yeah be prepared to handle any situation.

For eg : You say this to to a girl - "Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?"
If she replies, "Every dog has its day" or something of that sort, then you should be able to counter it.

How do I do that?
Don't bother that you've been insulted. You are just being prepared for married life. So you should just say, "Can I have it tonight?". She might fume. Then show her your middle finger, collect all your gifts back and move to the girl at the next table.

So have I found my true love?
For a year, yes. Till someone gifts something more expensive. If you want to stay in contention gift something really expensive the next year. If you wish to break up, tell her that you will be an hour late for your meet coz you are currently drying those costly costly chocolates which you got for her, on which your dog unfortunately peed.

What if everybody rejects me?
Don't worry. Spend your night at TASMAC. Get a quarter and some water packets. Forget all your worries. Try again next year. Every dog has its day.

Disclaimer : The author is in now way responsible if you are attacked by Shiv Sena activists during the course of the above process. People interested, may try at their own risk. And ofcourse, all this is just for fun!

Happy Valentine's Day! :)

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