Mummy, Daddy, Help me . . .

There are certain things in life that leave you in a dilemma. Things that you don't know whether to smile at or be upset about. Things that are not in a definitive sense good or bad. Things that you wish you'd never confront. Things that leave you with complex reactions and disarrayed emotions, making all that's around you look alien. None of this happened to me

My literary prowess does not permit me to exaggerate any further, you guys are lucky in that aspect :-)

Coming to the point before you guys hit Alt+F4, I have a really really serious problem on my hands. Something as serious as what actress Namitha did to celebrate her doggie's birthday or how Mandira Bedi managed to keep her blouse intact during Extra Innings. "Where was the blouse?", you may ask. But close investigations by the CBI revealed its presence, unfortunately. I envy the CBI jobs, gotta be lotsa fun!!

I've still haven't come to the point, have I? Yeah so it's about my blogs being forwarded. I've got a copy of the Mock Interview as an email forward in my college Yahoo Groups. I remember Anti saying once that he got the Saniyan series as a forward. Another friend of mine said this was being circulated in his office. Today, it was Nirenjan who said he recieved this.

That does make me happy a great deal. I'd just be happier if due credit is given. A link to this blog, is all that I ask for. Illaena Google Ads-a amukittu ponga punyama pogum

This blog is ofcourse copyrighted and guarded by strict federal laws that are non-existant in India :-)

So those of you who forward, please do provide a link back to this space.

DO NOT IGNORE THIS. Last week my friend ignored what I said and in five mins he had a crow shit on his head. So save your heads now!! Forward this to everybody you know and enjoy the following benefits . . . .

30+ forwards : You will no longer get caught by your boss while reading blogs or while kadalai poattufying with the figure/AanSingam in the next cubicle.

25+ forwards : Guys, your best friend will bring home matter CDs from France. Girls, the guy who u love will stop watching matter movies.

20+ forwards : You will meet the love of your life in the next one hour. Please stay away from IITs and roam near Satyam Theater/Beasant Nagar beach for blissful results.

15+ forwards : You will get married in exactly one year from today. If not, please send this mail again to more people next time around.

10+ forwards : You will go on a dream date!! (remember to sleep well)

1-10 forwards : Guys, you will get a chance to take a figure for a ride on your bike. Girls, face the other side when the guy takes you on his bike.

0 forwards : Guys, you will be slippered by a girl. The effects will be severe since the slippers usually are armed with 1 foot tall wooden pieces. Girls, you will lose the guy whom u put bracket and were karanthufying money.

P.S. : That's a tailor made forward for all you "forwarders" and the "forwardees" who shall become "forwarders"

'Just is' ASAP

Aug 25th, 1973
A man files a case in a court accusing a shampoo company's product being excessively harsh on the hair thereby causing greying.

October 11, 2004
The judge hears the case and takes the mans look at the man's mandai which now resembles something close to reflectors on ECR due to excessive vacant space. He charges the man of lying and wasting the court's time, imposes a Rs. 1000 fine and dismisses the case. Not to mention, the shampoo company closed down a decade ago.

This court-ku one Gandhi photo, one blindfolded, saanja tharaasu needhi devadhai and 10 chairsu.

The incident, though entirely cooked up, is not a lot different from what happened recently. More than a year has passed since the release of S.J. Surya's NEW. Those of you who haven't seen it, please do check it out. The film completely lives up to its name by illustrating how a horrible movie can be made using a 'new' approach. If you manage to sit through the film, then I bet you are in there to watch Kiran!

Recently, this film was banned and its certification cancelled stating that it was excessively vulgar. All this one complete year after the film was released. Idhukku maela padatha ban panna enna pannatti enna? Loosa avanga?? This speed of operation surprises me.

I wouldn't at all be surprised if I read the follwing news items tommorow . . .

Thyagaraja Bagavadhar film Sri Valli banned
A local court today banned the 302 B.C. Bhagavadhar film because he sings "Meyaatha Maan" without a shirt which is corrupting corrupted the mind of T.R.Rajakumari. The film shall henceforth not be played on any of the channels. KTV which has bought the rights for this film and many other such latest films might be badly hit by this decision.

Permission to launch INSAT 1A denied
The Supreme Court has issued a stay that denies permission to launch the INSAT 1A after evidence produced by Nambungal Narayanan clearly indicated that its spelling is numerologically incorrect. This spelling is believed to adversely affect the the positon of planets in the solar system. If the launch is made under this name there are high chances that Pluto does a high jump to pass earth. Also, it is believed that the position of the fuel tank is not according to Vasthu norms.

Tsunami Banned
The Tsunami which caused the loss of thousands of lives in Tamil Nadu has been banned all over India. The court pointed out that since this was its first visit to India, it has been forgiven under section IPC 12B, Vadapalani to Foreshore Estate. The court also stipulated a norm that incase of a friendly visit, their height should not exceed 1 ft. Captain Vijaykanth has been included in the BSF and he now shoulders the extra responsibility of diverting them to Pakistan dheeviravaadhigal in case of emergency.

Disclaimer : The above events are purely fictional.

P.S. : All the fictional events state the facts :-)

The Chennai Nexus

This post is driven by two main reasons. One, today is Chennai's (Madras) 366th birthday. Two, to stop the excessive damage being carried out on yours truly in the last post

What follows is a personality test sorta thingy that reveals your Chennai connection. Those of you who are extremely jobless, take a pencil and paper and mark your choices. Those of you who are extremely busy, stop acting and take out that pencil and paper now!

So lets start off . . .

1) What is the population of Chennai?
A. 42.16L
B. Naapathi rendu pulli onnu aaru latcham.
C. Enakku 2yrs irukkumboathu 20 lakhs. Naan innum matter pannala. So innum 20 lakhs dhaan.
D. I will decide that after marriage.

2) One word that rhymes with Chennai . . .
A. Vennai
B. Brunei
C. Yaanai
D. Pakkathu veettu nei.

3) First thing that comes to your mind about Chennai . . .
A. Cooum nadhi and kosu kadi.
B. Sambhar Vadai (Witchu is kindly requested to skip this option)
C. Maari Annan beach.
D. Boozing and niravana.

4) Does Chennai have an IT corrdior?
A. No, only moothara sandhu.
B. Yes, at Panagal Park.
C. Yes, starting with Tidel Park.
D. Don't care, I want more pubs to quarter adichu kuppara padukka.

5) Where do you go for pozhuthu poakku?
A. Barrista going and guitar sorinjing.
B. Beach going and sundal eating.
C. Parangi mountain Jothi going and bit film seeing.
D. Ribbon building going and ribbon pakoda eating.

6) About the Chennai climate . . .
A. Veyyil adichings and verthu kottings.
B. Too hot to do the yo-yo.
C. Hot in winter, hotter in summer and hottest in Ranganathan Street due to nuclear fission respiration.
D. Pleasant climate, mild showers, cloudy skies.

7) Where would you like to go shopping?
A. Globus, Lifestyle and other nuni naakku English shoppes.
B. Maavu mill.
C. Getting crushed in Pondy Bazar, to come out and find your undergarment missing.
D. Pakkathu veettu kodi while thuni is dried.

8) What mode of transport do you prefer in Chennai?
A. Deepavali Rocket.
B. Pallavan Bus-la ponnungala idichuttu goings.
C. Silencer illatha bike.
D. Ponnungala sight adichuttae medhuva walking.

9) Where is the beach in Chennai?
A. Gandhi thatha-ku apaala.
B. Near the sand.
C. Next to Barrista.
D. Wherever lovers are disturbed by sundal boys and josiyakaaris.

10) What is would you like to eat in Chennai? (To be skipped by Witchu)
A. Cottage cheese with Pasta Bake.
B. Idly with 2 bucket sambhar and filter coffee.
C. Packet saarayam, water packet and oorgai.
D. Gopi fry (of Metti Oli fame)

Proceed to Analysis...

Score Key . . .

1) A - 3pts .... B - 2pts .... C - 1pts .... D - 4pts
2) A - 2pts .... B - 3pts .... C - 4pts .... D - 1pts
3) A - 2pts .... B - 4pts .... C - 1pts .... D - 3pts
4) A - 2pts .... B - 1pts .... C - 4pts .... D - 3pts
5) A - 3pts .... B - 4pts .... C - 2pts .... D - 1pts
6) A - 2pts .... B - 3pts .... C - 4pts .... D - 1pts
7) A - 3pts .... B - 1pts .... C - 4pts .... D - 2pts
8) A - 1pts .... B - 2pts .... C - 3pts .... D - 4pts
9) A - 2pts .... B - 1pts .... C - 3pts .... D - 4pts
10) A - 3pts .... B - 4pts .... C - 2pts .... D - 1pts

Add up the points and move on to the analysis....

>40 : Aarva kolaar-la thappa add panniteenga. Please try again!

35-40 : Neenga bayangara Chennai lover. Bangalore pona, "Ithu waste, inga beach illa"-nu solluveenga. Bombay pona, "Ithu waste, inga Marina beach illa"-nu solluveenga. Sila samayam Peter vitta viduveenga aana figure-a correct pannarthukaaga English pesara category neenga kedayaathu. Neenga nallavaru, vallavaru, matter therinjavaru. Pucca Chennaiite. Morning walking poitu, appadiye kovil poi saami kumbittu, vara vazhi-la Saravana Bhavan-la extra nei-oda Pongal poatta pakkathula irukkaravana madhikka maateenga.

25-34 : Neenga bayangara Peter. Unga kitta irukkara dresses ellam mutti-ku two inch keezha varaikkum dhaan maximum pogum. T-shirt a thoikkara pazhakkam kedayaathu. Jeans kizhinju saayam pona use pannara recycler neenga. Figure kootittu poi yo-yo pannaraen pervazhi-nu neraya seruppadi vaangi irupeenga. Mudi-ku color adichu irupeenga mandai maela coffee kottina maadhiri. Dance aadina crowpain (kakavalippu) vandha maadhiri aaduveenga. Amma veetla coffee kalantha vaenaam sollitu Coffee shop poi 50Rs. coffee-a straw poattu nakkuveenga.

15-24 : Neenga very galeej parties. Daily evening unga friends Kabali, Mayandi and Muniyandi kootittu TASMAC sarakku adipeenga. Chennai veyyil-layum kulikkara pazhakkam kedayaathu. Unga ponjaathi veettu velai seyyum. Keenju pona cut banian and kattam poatta lungi dhaan unga favourite costume. Enga saavu vandhaalum, anga neenga dhaan Prabhu Deva. Gujili kooda Gilma pannarthu unga favourite passtime.

10-14 : Bihar mein Laloo nahi, thamizhnaadu mein neenga nahi. (Bihar-la Laloo illaya, adhu maadhiri Tamilnadu-la neenga) Chennai pathi oru M-um theriyaathu ungalukku. Appuram enna M-ku indha quiz edutheenga? Marina beach pakkam poi nillunga, Tsunami anuppi veikkaraen.

<10 : Ungalukku adippadai arivey illa. 10 questions-ku score eppadi less than 10 pogum with minimum one mark per question? Neenga mostly Railway Minister-a irupeenga.

If you are not happy with the results, keep trying till you are satisfied. Take the average, standard deviation, correlation and all other confusing useless statistical data to get an accurate result. If its still not accurate, blame statistics.

Happy Madras Day!! :-)

Yeah, it's me!

That's me ten years ago! Was just going through my poonal pics and found this one which I like a lot. Always end up laughing out loud seeing the thiruttu muzhi (yeah Witchu, I'd agree with you for this pic!), Chandramukhi style kaajal, the real appavi look and the arasa maram ilai in my hands :-)

I believe lotsa ppl are waiting to damage me seeing this pic. For once, let me sit back and laugh :-)

I still am the same old nice kid. Gayathri paeru nalla jabam pannuvaen :-)

Happy Gayathri Jabam!!

UNZIP

Foreign universities are really dumb. I say dumb because their admission procedure doesn't suit me one bit. To get an admit, I should have performed really well in my academics, like topped the class, which is striked off directly since I have a XY chromosome pairing. One is also expected to possess indispensable skills : archery skills good enough to atleast poke the bull's butt if not the eye, adept artistic skills good enough to scribble a modern art which only 2 other people in this world understand, singing good enough to kill the cockroach in your bathroom, to name a few. Research papers also give you an edge . . . but my edge seems really blunt coz I haven't even skimmed through the research sections in newspapers. In short, they look out for a well rounded individual, which I am definintely not unless taken in the literal sense! :-)

Getting back on track...If I've got all these stuff in me, why the hell would I apply to their university? Dumb, right? All these inane criteria inspired me to join the editorial board for my department magazine. I was unanimously selected into the team by all my close friends

For all those who are thinking why such an informative blog has such an ahem title, that's the bloody title for my department magazine! UNZIP!! The name sounds kinda cool, yeah. But guessing how my name was going to published in the magazine did not give me much happiness.

UNZIP

Credits : K. Praveen

You expect me to smile with this picture in my mind?!! Cha...first time magazine-la vara paeru innum konjam decent-a irundha sandhosha pattu iruppaen! Things did not stop here though. The consequences of having such a name were evident later.

The inaugural function for UNZIP was fun as expected. One of the reasons being that girls come in sarees . Guys generally like to see girls in sarees coz we have this strong traditional backing. I assure you that there is no other reason for this ;-)

The function was compered by a girl from my class. "The Chief Guest will begin the proceedings by lighting the kuththuvelakku", she announced on stage.

Friend : It's too weird da.
Me : What?
Friend : Saying Chief Guest will light the Kuththu Velakku. Isn't it odd?
Me : Yeah it is, but what do u expect her to say?
Friend : Isn't there an english word for kuththuvelakku?
Me : Yeah, there is.
Friend : What is it?
Me : Punch Lamp :-)

We then went on to discuss about the girls worth watching in sarees since there was nothing better we could think off. This was when our attention was diverted towards the chief guest. He was talking about the magazine and went on to say the following . . .

"I see you have named your magazine Unzip which is really innovative. I really appreciate it since there is something hidden within everybody, something that is not seen outside. Such things need to be unzipped and let out to realize its full potential"

I was ROTFL! Me thinks the magazine name needs a change first! What say? :-)

Why? Why?? Why???

Surprising how a little break from blogging is hindering my thought process. I want to write, but I end up blank not knowing what to write and how to write. Looks like I have to turn a new leaf. I've been desperately trying to do so by figuring out a new template, but I reach something as stale as a topless Salman (may sound feminine, but I like to put it this way..). Guess you guys have to strain your eyes a little longer :-)

Without wasting much time, let me delve straight into the topic. At 00:00 hrs Aug 15, 1947, the whole of India was awake to smell the air of freedom. But for those who were awake at 00:00 hrs Aug 15, 2005, the television had just a couple of Shakeela movies to offer. Though that was an exaggeration, the actual scenario was not any better. The "special" programmes on TV sparsely talked about the values of freedom.

The best of the lot was "Actress Namitha", aired on KTV. Namitha and freedom can be a part of the same sentence only if it speaks about her dresses. Pondy Bazar platform-la vaangina 6 bommai poatta kerchieves are all she uses to cover herself up. I never bothered watching the programme, but I am sure it would have featured a couple of her dance numbers with Sharath Kumar, talked about her childhood, elaborated about her illustrious film career including her latest film which was released in Jothi theater and talked about what she would have been if she had not come to the cinema field. Sneha, Jayam Ravi, Vikram, Sandhya, Arya, Srikanth, Sonia Agarwal etc were the others who shared such exciting details about their careers. Lets see a few samples...I interrupt all questions with my words of wisdom

Interviewer : How was your childhood?
Me : Childhood childish-a dhaan irukkum, enna yezhavu kelvi idhu?!
Actress : When I was young, enku I loved Quantum Physics. I was really uncertain about this Heisenberg's principle though.
Me : Heisenberg himself was uncertain!

Interviewer : Has acting always been your passion?
Me : Yaen illa-na sonna kalari vida poriya??
Actor : Absolutely. I used to get inspired by the likes of Marlon Brando. Watching his films on home DVD was my favourite pastime during childhood.
Me : Home DVD 30 years ago? Appo unakku home-ey illa, idhula DVD vaeraya?

Interviewer : Hey can u sing a few lines for us?
Me : Kelambitaangayya kelambitaanayya!
Actress : Yaetho oru pattu en kaathil kaekkum....
Me : En kaathil eeyatha kaachi oothina maadhiri irukku!

Interviewer : What would you like to tell our viewers on this day?
Me : Independence day adhuvuma Shakeela padam paarka solli advice-a pannuvaanga?
Actor : Wish u all a Happy Independence Day.

Half of the day is filled with such enlightening interviews with actors, actresses, directors, producers, loghtboys, trolleyman, camera lens cleaners etc etc from the cine industry sharing their experiences with us and finally wishing us all a Happy Independence Day. The remnant time is filled with some "india tholaikatchigalil mudhal muraiyaaga" movie which has absolutely no relevance to the occassion it is being aired.

At this rate, we would witness something similar to the following in the near future...

"Gandhi Jayanthi-ai munneettu....India tholai katchigalil mudhal muraiyaaga....Thulluvatho Ilamai"

If Gandhi had been alive, he would have shot himself after mouthing an expletive.

I am not advocating an entirely freedom struggle oriented special telecast on any channel with all the freedom fighters speaking with their Congress thoppi about independence. I myself will change the channel! Television is afterall for business and things are bound to be entertainment oriented. But I fail to see the reason that even a flag hoisting ceremony done by Vikram? Why can't the channels survive without cinema? Can't two hours be dedicated to something related to the event out of the 16 hour line up? How does it concern me whether Trisha brushes her teeth or not?!

I am not blaming all the channels though. Vijay and Raj TV usually have atleast something related to the event, which I find really healthy. It would just be nice if all the channels have something of this sort. I am not basically into TV viewing. It's hopeless in its own special ways. Atleast for those who watch it, I sincerely hope they get something right into their head.

Happy Independence Day! :-)

Next Independence Day-la atleast I wish they show a Captain movie. Message illatiyum sandhoshama sirippaen

Many Hanker Mire

Indian Govt. trying its best to reduce oil prices!

Petroleum Minister or Minister of External Affairs? :-)

Consequence : Kokhila Ben is under immense pressure yet again as both Anil and Mukesh refuse to take over Reliance Petrochemicals!

Suggestion : Agreed all these are friendly gestures, but somebody's gotta tell this guy that he's got shiny skin and sparkling eyes...doesn't look all that good u see

P.S. : NOM to anybody, but idhellam remba over! :-)

G R E

Over the past week, my mail box has been flooded with e-mails by people reading my blog. To my surprise, most of them were doubts regarding GRE That motivated me further to workout this post from scratch covering all the requisites!!

Am presenting this in my favourite format. FAQs :-)

What does GRE stand for?
Generally Ridiculous Examination.

How ridiculous is it?
As ridiculous as Saurav Ganguly playing for India.

Who should take it?
One who feels Bald is Beautiful and wants to lose his hair before marriage.

How is the test?
As lovable as Kris Srikkanth's Hindi.

When should I start my preparation?
To finish off learning all the words for the verbal section, you should be as old as Jesus Christ.

How many words should I know before the exam?
Around 1,398,350 words. After you complete the word list, you'll have just about enough time to write your will and die.

Is reading comprehension a part of the verbal section?
Yes, it has 50 odd line passages which the authors failed to comprehend. By the 25th line, you are convinced that inky pinky ponky is the optimum solution.

Could you make this point more clear with an example?
Yeah. "Ignoring the minutiae of colour and texture of the britches and what lies underneath, the dampness of the same could be ascribed mainly to the frigid climatic conditions. Why the damp output has escaped freezing in such biting temperatures is beyond the scope of our discussion."

Err...that means?
The kid peed in his pants because of extreme cold.

How about analogies?
You gotta figure out relationship between two words which are equally obscure in their own ways.

Example please..?

American man : American woman

A) Laloo : Buffalo
B) ManiShankarIyer : Hug
C) Ramadas : Tamil
D) Customer : Bank Account

In the above example, we first need to identify the relationship. That would be ... "Many American men have many American wives who inturn have many other American husbands". So the relationship is Many to Many. Option A and B are wrong because they are one to many relationships. Option C is also ruled out because it is a vetti scene relationship. So the choice is D.

What about math? What should I do for it?
That's very easy. You'll figure out the answers even if you are Laloo's close relative.

What if I am extremely smart?
Think dumb.

How are the writing sections?
Equally ridiculous.

Why so?
That's part of the terms and conditions of GRE.

How much can I score in verbal?
Definitely more than what Ganguly does for India, the minmum score is 200.

What if I manage 700+ in verbal?
Please mail me ur house address. Veetuku auto varum. I'll meet you personally and kill you!

Disclaimer : These are my personal opinion and I shall not be held responsible if this blog confuses you GRE aspirants

P.S. : I'll stay away from spoofs for sometime. Stereotypical-a pona oru feelings :-)

Jetty Jaya

National Zoologic Presents

A.N. Urai's

JETTY JAYA

Starring
Chimp(u) and Vaazhakka

Music
Evan Shankar Kooja

A Chinna Karadi film

"Yaaru neenga?"
"Jetty Jaya"
"Jaya-ngarthu unga paeru, Jetty-ngarthu neenga padichu vaangina pattama?"

"Naan kaththi edutha kolai pannama keezha vekka maataen"
"Adhaan safety-ku jetty-la sorugi vechirukkiya?"
"Dei enna pathi unakku seriya theriyaathu"
"Therinjukkanum-nu aasaiyum padala"

"Last-la yaaru firstu varaanga-ngarthu dhaan mukkiyam"
"Ippo firstu enakku bathroom varuthu, nee last-a po"

"Indha Jetty Jaya paera kaetta chinna kuzhandhai kooda azhum"
"Ippadi poochandi maadhiri irundha appadi dhaan azhum"

"Dei naan saadharnamaana manushan illa da"
"Nee manushaney illa!"
"Yaar kitta pesittu irukka theriyuma unakku?"
"Road orama sandai podara naayi, Osama Bin Laden range-ku build up vidara nee?"
"Jaya da, Jetty Jaya"
"Indha onnaekaalana paerukku echo effect vaeraya?"

Coming soon to another blog near you :-)

Disclaimer : Characters in this film are purely fictional. Close resemblence to this is purely accidental :-)